Why Not Me?

Last week while working on an outline, I kept thinking of what God used to save me. God used a heretic who has led many people astray with his false teachings. I know so many people who have accepted his teachings. It breaks my heart at what this man had done. I deserved to be led astray by that man, just like so many of my friends have. The question that will never leave my mind is, 'Why not me?'.
I didn't know any theology when I first became a Christian. I was so vulnerable to be led astray by that man. I should have been led astray like so many others. I don't understand why God didn't let me though.
It breaks me to see the man's ministry flourish, and to know that more people are being led astray. And to know that I should have been one of those people.
I deserved to be led astray. I would have definitely learned the hard way to know the importance of theology.
I wish I could only know the answer to that question. Why not me? It's been running through my mind all this weekend. Why not me? Why not me, O God?
I don't understand why God would save a wretched sinner such as me, and I don't understand why He kept me from the heresy that the man was preaching.
When I tell people my testimony I can't help but feel that they don't understand it really.
It's hard to know that the heretic who God used to save me has led some of my dear friends astray.
That's what grace is though.
God has given me so much grace in my life! Saving me from myself! Breaking my addictions! Showing me the truth through a man's lies! God has been so gracious to me, to give me the right theology. To keep me from falling into heresy.
But still the question will always remain: Why not me?

How Do We Look at Them?

Last night I went to a friend's church, and I saw a girl who I had grown up with. I didn't recognize her at first, but I thought it was her. I asked two of the people I was with if it was her. They said yes in a quiet tone, still not looking back at her.
I will call the girl "Jenny". After graduating early from high school she totally rebelled against her parents and left home. That story is all to familiar to me. I don't need to describe the terrible things that she did while away, because I am sure that you can imagine what happened on your own.
She came back home a month or so ago. I asked her why she came back, she told me that she didn't leave on a good note, so she wanted to fix that. But just because it might sound good doesn't mean that she's truly repentant or a Christian. Only God knows the real reasons she came back.
When I first approached her, I asked her what's new. She proudly told me about all of her piercings and her tattoo. How worldly were all of these things. It made me sad.
After a while of talking, we went back into the group of people to talk about things we are working on as a Christian. And she talked a lot.
Her talk seemed like she was a Christian. She said she was working on things. She wrote Scriptures down and said that she should read them. But that's just how she was before in church.
It felt like she had put on the "Christian" mask again. But only God knows her heart.

Then I met her boyfriend, he wasn't friendly. In fact, I haven't met a whole lot of people who don't even want to meet you. He kept touching her--it made me sad because she thinks that there is actually something meaningful between them. But he just wants one thing from her.

Later my friends asked me why I talked to her, as if she were such a terrible person that they should stay away from. I was saddened by my friends' response to her.
Just because God didn't let you or me go that far that we go and get drunk at parties doesn't mean that we were any better than her. God could have let you go as far as she has been going. Maybe He did, maybe He didn't.
Just because we never did some of the things that Beth has, doesn't make us any better or holier. God could have let us. And at least, knowing my own heart, I would have gone as far as she did if God didn't save me. I was no better than she is. I was just as dirty on the inside as she is.
All of that makes me think how often we do that? Not talk or want to be with a person who has a terrible past. Do we consider ourselves better than non-Christians are?

I know that if at least she is going to church, there is hope that God will save her. As long as she is doing that; there is hope. There is always hope.
What my fear is is that as Christians, we don't want to reach out to her. We know what she has done, we know how rotten her life has been. We are no better! Just because God has saved you makes you no better than them! It's only by God's grace that you are not like that! Only by His grace!
There are thousands of "Jennys" at our churches. There are thousands of people with terrible pasts that we refuse to reach out to. We were no better than they are. We were just as dirty and rotten.
We must reach the "Jennys" at our churches. And we will not reach them if we refuse to even speak to them, or even look. Are we reaching them? Are you reaching them?

Missing

Ever read something or heard something that's convicted you. And that God's used to show you what you've been missing? God's been gracious, He showed me a few days ago what I've been missing.
He showed me my worldliness, and showed me the way to escape and showed me how to fight back.
At times my mind would get so swamped with the world, not meaning bad things in general. But when all that's on your mind is more on your daily life, or in my case, my story ideas, rather than God, something is wrong.
And that's when you fall. When you think you are fine, when you stop using your battle time walkie-talkie to God.
That's what I have been missing. I remember when I used it all of the time. When life was such a struggle, when I saw my need for Him to get through each day.
But then the world came, and in a moment, it seemed swamped my mind without me even realizing.
When I fight against temptation, I would just think about something else. What good will it do when you aren't even thinking about God in your temptation?
I had forgotten about how sweet prayer really was when you are constantly praying to God throughout the day, and not just in the morning, and not just before I do something big like a test or work. If I only pray once in the day, it becomes a duty instead of a pleasure. I had forgotten that sweet fellowship I could have with God throughout the day.
And yet, when the time came for me to see my sin, He was gracious. He kept me from falling hard. I deserved to fall hard, but He didn't let me. He has been so gracious, and I don't deserve any of His grace and mercy. Can't stop praising God for His good work of dying for my sins, and for keeping me, and not just letting me "fall away" like I would deserve if it were possible.

God Bless,
  A.W.

Just Another Poem

Today I am just going to post a poem that I wrote at the beginning of this year. It's not my best, and it's not my worst. But it goes with what I last posted.
This poem is about a Christian's repentance. Like when Christians fall into sin for some time, and God breaks them down and brings them to Himself.
God is so gracious to us, and we don't deserve any of that grace at all. We were dead in our sins, and we loved sinning against a Holy God, but God chose to love us anyways. God is so gracious, even when He does let us experience the consequences of our own sin. It's always for our best. So here we go.

"My body ruined,
Bruised
Broken
Wrecked
And what do I choose?
Sin, sin, sin
Seven, eight, nine,
One more time.
What do I bring?
A guilty conscience, a body ruined.
Where am I now?
In shame I bow
What have I to bring?
But a bruised and broken body.

In my sins I was dead,
Until He washed me in red.
He died for me
Knowing that I would willingly destroy my body,
knowing that I would keep falling and failing.
He died.
What more motivation do I need?
If I beg and plead,
He will keep me.
From my addiction, I am set free."
 
God Bless,
   A.W.