Silence

"This mind has not been loud
Thought have not burst in like a crowd.
I have worked in silence, the only thoughts coming are merely small prayers.
Few words spoken and eyes filled with empty stares
In my mind I sit alone on a bench
The light rain beginning to on me, drench.
Knowing what my friends are going through,
Feeling that it's not terribly new.
It breaks my heart,
Although, having already a taste of what they feel, it tears me apart.
It has filled me with sorrow too much for words to say
Too full for me to come up with words to pray.
It's not that in God I refuse to trust,
Knowing He has a plan and having peace is a must.
It's not that I am lonesome without the company of those dear friends,
No, that isn't what's making this heart bend.
It's the understanding of nothing helping when in great pain,
Knowing how my friend feels as she struggles to dance in the rain.
It's understanding how believers bite and stab each other
How the church can stop feeling lie it's made up of sisters and brothers.
It's the connection of knowing a bit how they feel that sets me in this silent state.
Not feeling anything, no, not even hate.
But oh how comforting it is to know I sit not alone on this bench.
And that I have shelter keeping me from getting drenched.
For when this silence shatters, I will fall apart in God's Hand,
Where the landing is sure to be softer than sand.
He is catching these tears I cry,
Hearing the prayers breathed through each sigh.
For my God reads all of those actions and knows the words my tongue cannot speak
He knows that I am, oh so weak.
Crying over everyone's lives, as if they were my own,
Though often happening, this to the world is not often shown.
But in my weakness He hears me still,
This empty mind soon to be filled."

A Beautiful Life

"There's something so beautiful about a man's life
Something so remarkable about his inward strife.
There's something that fills us as we read about the saints of old
Something that makes us inspired, encouraged, bold.
We read and hear of their failures and falls
We see how yet again they rise up, giving it their all.
By their faithful endurance we are greatly inspired
In their great spiritual battles we see them fight against how they were wired.
There's something so beautiful about their past, stained with blood
And yet something so crumbling about how along with Christ they've been dragged through the mud.
Oh how we see such worth in a life spent out for Christ
Oh how that Holy Name has cost them such a price.

But to see joy in a man's life marked with excruciating pain,
To know that all his loss has turned into gain.
What incredible paradoxes we are able to see in a single life
What courage God can produce against the gun and knife.
What a legacy God has made them leave behind
Their passion for God was the fire that made it shine
The dark clouds lingering above them could but threaten to tear them apart
The dreary storm not reflecting their glad heart.
So let us remember that we stand on the shoulders of giants,
Who never backed down from the wicked tyrants
Let us know the motivation for the lives they had,
Let us not look at their lives to be sober and sad.
But be encouraged to know that in darkest times their brightest light was produced,
Be inspired to see how they were from this world cut loose.
Be motivated to have your whole spent for God,
And in ages to come, up to the Scriptures, not be found a fraud.
At the end of our days, let us see a spent and beautiful life just as the saints of old
Oh let our life of passion have an impact to make a new generation bold."

Dancing In The Rain

"God has sent this rain
God has blessed me with this pain.
He has sent these dark clouds to cover the sky
He has sent these raindrops to wash away the tears I cry.
For so long I believed to be cursed
Never cared to stop before the clouds burst
The drops starting merely at a patter,
Opening my eyes to see what mattered.
But by then it was all too late
I thought I'd chosen my own tragic fate
As the thunder cracked above,
I couldn't see how this pain was given out of love
But in time He showed me reasons
And let the rain soften and harden in seasons
Never has He given me full shelter from the storm
But only enough to keep me alive and warm
Though washed away are all my stains
I still stand in unceasing rains
Never may I again see the sky so clear
But never have I felt my God so near.
So many reasons have been revealed to me
And the ultimate reason I finally can see
For all they ever said was that the storm was a test
Never did they say that God only does what is best
Never did they say it was all out of love
Never have I found such joy in these clouds above
Oh how this love has taken away the bitter chill
Oh what peace I've been given when there hasn't yet been a still
What a grace it is to raise these arms up against the harsh drops
To spin around and dance, knowing the rain might never stop.
Though the ground has become wet so I may slip and fall
My God will always hear me when I call.
Even as the thunder crashes, making me look above
I am reminded of how the storm is sent out of love.
For this is how much my God cares for me
That in this storm He's given me the will to let it all be
To be finished with all this groaning and sighing
To let the rain wash away the tears I've been crying
So what a blessing these dark clouds have been
What a blessing it is to smile and up to the heavens raise my chin
And though the rain splatters against my face
Never have I felt such unceasing grace.
Oh God, teach me how to rejoice in the storm of this pain
Oh God, teach me how to dance in this rain."

Perspective

It has been a rough two days. Dealing with the side effects of anti-depressants. Not much fun at all. In fact, I've grown frustrated to the point of tears. My normal pain mixed with other pain in the same general area is not fun whatsoever.
I have had so much trouble today that by now, that heavy weight in my chest has finally come...the weight in your chest when you just want to be done with everything. A little part of me wants to just give up on it all, and be upset at this messed up body again. Part of me wants to just give up and give into the weight of depression inside. But upon thinking over all of this, I reminded myself that all was for a purpose, every tiny detail.

Perspective. Too often it's easy for me to give into having the wrong perspective and stay that way. It's too easy for me to hate my body, and hate myself for falling into depression. It's too easy for me to give into my old ways.
It's hard to maintain the right perspective when you're in pain and when that weight of depression comes back to you. It's hard to keep it when it's just so easy to fall.
But tonight, the reminder that God has a purpose for everything that happens is what has given me peace.  That reminder hasn't taken that weight away, but it has made up my mind to not give in.
There could be so many reasons why I have had two terrible days with these side effects.
Maybe God has put them in my life to tell me that anti-depressants won't help me with my pain, maybe He's using this to save me another month and a half taking these meds. Maybe He is telling me to move on to the next thing.

Or perhaps He is reminding me of the reason why I write "Please Don't Give Up Tonight" on my wrist almost every day. Sure not every day I feel depressed, or want to give up on living, but I still write it. Perhaps He is reminding me that those aren't just pointless words. Perhaps He is reminding me that I don't write those words on my wrist so people will ask. Perhaps He is reminding me not to give up--and to fight past pain and depression and go on with life. And not shut down on people, and to not stop working.

Or maybe He has given me these days so that I could once again re-center my focus and perspective in hard times.
I don't know why He has given me these days, but He has given them to me for a reason. And maybe I can't see that right away, and maybe I will never see it, but the thought alone gives me all the more endurance to hold on. Because He has a purpose and I am a tool in His Hand. Need to maintain the right perspective in my situation and be willing to be used in whatever way He chooses.
That's what I need to remind myself tonight. Because there is a reason why I write, "Please Don't Give Up Tonight," on my wrist. There is a reason to everything that happens. And that is a comforting reminder to me, something to pull me through the pain and depression. God has a plan, a perfect one.

God Bless,
  A.W.

He Loves Me

I attended the last Resolved conference this weekend. Though disappointed in some of the people I went with, the preaching and worship was incredible. The greatest thing I pulled away from the weekend was this: God loves me.

On the last day, after the first session in the morning I met up with a lady who used to tutor me. She stopped tutoring me a couple years back when her husband went Home to meet the Lord. They were an older couple, both kind, loved God so much.
I attended the memorial service, and that was the last time I saw my tutor. So I was excited to see her again; she asked about school, and what I was going to do with my life. After I had talked some I asked what was new with her. She started naming off some things like one of her daughters getting a boyfriend who seems quite serious, and at last, in a tight yet soft voice she said, "And missing Mr. D."  The moment she said that, tears filled her eyes, and I felt tears fill my own. She said she wasn't sure what God wanted her to do next.  And off that, somehow we got to talking about physical pain. I ended up telling her of my chronic pain, and she told me that her chronic arthritis  had started when she was 25.
We have both been fighters; her being one with years of experience, much more than I. But all the same, we both spoke the same, of not letting pain ruin our lives, or how we live. It was good to have someone I could so easily relate to in this area. Someone who thought how I did about pain.
From pain, we spoke of God's purposes in it. And how He has used it in both our lives. And from God's purposes, we spoke of Home and how glorious it will be. She told me about how having her husband gone has made her think more of Home than ever before. Daily she would think of how sweet Eternity will be. I told her that my pain reminds me that this earth is not Home, that from the pain, I look all the more to Eternity. How comforting it is to know that this is the closest to Hell we will ever get. In full we had a wonderful conversation; both on the brink of tears, we talked of our Great Father, His purposes, and our Home.

So in light of that conversation, the next sermon that we heard was about the future glory of the Church. Steve Lawson preached an incredible sermon, and at one point went off about the love of God. The line that hit me the hardest was, 'God does what is best'. 
Then I realized that everything that comes my way; even trials and thorns put in my life are not only to change me. But over that, because He loves me.
He gives us thorns because that is what is best. Him doing what is best is Him saying that He loves us.
God gave me chronic pain because He loves me.
God took away Mr. D because He loves Mrs. D.

But too often we think that anything that goes wrong in our lives is because we have done wrong. Too often we take things as a curse from God.  We have formed a terrible perspective from the world, that only when good things happen does God show His love towards us. And maybe we don't see right away the reasons why bad things happen. But that doesn't mean that it must be for a bad reason. Even when it is a tragic thing.
My perspective once again has been so changed this weekend. I've come this far, after over two and a half years, to realize that this thorn is a blessing in disguise.
Perhaps God is preparing me for a lifetime of chronic pain--but whatever it ma be, no longer does this pain feel like a curse. God gave it to me because He loves me.

The feeling I have had over the last two days is like none other. I didn't cry while listening to the sermon, I cried alone a bit in the bathroom an hour later, before the group of people I was with dragged me to the mall.
It's funny how you can cry, be red in the face and have watery eyes, and yet no one cares to notice.
But even as I sat alone on a bench in the mall, I felt so overwhelmed by my realization. The weight of God's love enough to make my body tremble, even as I walked alone though the mall. I fought back tears, because there were no words to describe the weight I felt.
God loves me was all that ran through my head.
God loves me.
God loves me.

The weight of that love is beyond anything words can ever describe. I can't speak of it, not even write this post without tears.
Sure I have known that God loves me. But in light of my trials and pains, it has never been so powerful as it has today.
I can go through trials and take these thorns as blessings. He gives them to me because He knows that this is what is best for me. He does what is best for me because He loves me.
He loves me.
He not only gives, but He takes away. He does what is best for His children. Sometimes Him taking away our loved ones is what is best. It is not always so tragic as we think first off. He does what is best for us, even though it can be hard.
So that is what I've brought back; that is what has caused all of these tears over the last two days.
God. Loves. Me.

God Bless,
  A.W.

Just Some Thoughts...

This week I had a conversation with a friend about how important it is in a relationship to find someone with the same theology as you have.
Both of us are Reformed; he's a Presbyterian and I'm not really in a denomination. My friend told me last night that he tends to not like the girls who are totally Reformed because other than their theology they have nothing else in common. He told me that the majority of girls he knows are stiff and tend to be more of the boring side.
So, instead of making theology the highest thing to look for in finding the right girl, he told me he just would say he wants a strong Christian girl who loves God and who is teachable.

Two years ago I would have thought that idea terrible for any strong Reformed person, guy or girl. But I think that over the last few years, with having most of my friends not agreeing with me theologically, I've come to be more accepting of those in different groups.
I understand why my friend had said what he was looking for instead of people in his denomination. And I find nothing wrong with that.
As long as the girl is teachable and not in a totally heretical movement I don't see the problem with a strong Reformed guy marrying her.

My oldest brother married a girl who came out of the Fundamentalist movement. She didn't entirely agree with him theologically when they married, but she loved God.  And That's what mattered.
She was learning, and still is learning, and my brother is teaching her more. I find nothing wrong with that pairing.
A strong Reformed guy looking outside of the group of girls who agree 100 percent theologically and just looking for someone who he can relate to and who still loves God but is teachable at the same time isn't a terrible thing really.

But upon thinking more about this. I don't think it wise for a Reformed girl, such as myself, to look for a guy who isn't firm theologically.

To me, theology is super important. And I would never marry a guy who I disagree with in a big way. Like on the Doctrines of Grace or Romans 7. That's always the first question that comes out when my friends say they like someone.
Most girls ask, "Is he cute?" I ask, "How's his theology?"
To me, besides being a Christian, theology is the next important thing. Most of that's probably because of my experiences with people in different boats than mine, but also because I realize that in a serious relationship, the man is supposed to be the leader.
And I don't think a good leader should be having his footing in five different boats at one time. A leader has to be firm in what he believes and be able to defend it and teach others.
Of course no one has perfect theology, and we all are growing.
But a guy who is wavering in his theology and who keeps changing isn't in the best position to lead anyone.

Theology not only changes how a guy lives and his perspective, but it changes how a guy leads. And as girls, too often we discount having the right theology and think that as long as a guy loves God and says he's a Christian, then that's all that matters.
But it's not. Too often we look past being firm and never think about how theology really does effect a man's leading.
I don't see how a guy can be in a million different boats theologically and still be able to lead a woman.  Too many people are in different boats at the same time, and girls just overlook it and think these guys would make a fantastic husband anyways.  Too often girls don't think of the guys as being the leader in a marriage, and so they don't understand how unstable theology can cause unstable leadership.

So I guess that in conclusion, I don't see anything wrong with a strong Reformed guy looking for a girl who doesn't quite agree with him on everything, but is learning. But I think it's different for a strong Reformed girl looking for a guy.
I think theology has a lot to do with the leadership thing. And I think it's important for a girl to find a guy who is firm in what he believes.
Yeah, so those are just some thoughts.

God Bless,
 A.W.

Keep on Walking

This poem is one I wrote about how you shouldn't let it kill you, when you feel like you see yourself through someone else's eyes. It's hard to not let what someone else thinks of you get into your head too much. And I think at times, when you have to walk away, you have to just look up to God in order to remember that you are loved by Him and that's what matters the most, even if everyone else in the world's let you down.
So yeah, here is something I wrote on it.

 "Realizing that you are not enough,
is beyond just tough.
Realizing you aren't worth the miles and time,
Makes walking away feel like you aren't worth a dime
To see those sweet words just as lies
Makes it so hard to see your worth through another person's eyes.

And when that time comes for you to move on,
Don't let your heart stay for too long
Give it all up to God,
All of these emotions in a wad.
Carry on, for God has a better way,
Don't be afraid of any mistakes, for He will tell you to go or stay
Keep in mind that He loves you so
That even through the ups and downs, He will make you grow
So when the time comes, walk on still
For your Saviour has a perfect will
In your Father, there is love
He even prepares a place for you above
He chose you when you deserved hell,
He chose you even when you fell.
He has struck worth into your soul
And anyone who doesn't see that should be found a fool
See your worth through His eyes,
And don't let your life be weighed down upon by someone else's lies."

God Bless,
  A.W.

Dear Pain,

This is a poem to my pain, that I wrote yesterday.
I hate that it makes me feel like being depressed, hate it so much. Tempted to fall into depression this week. And out of that resistance came this poem..


"You cannot break into this soul,
Even when the pain is full.
You can make your living here
But to my life you cannot draw near.
You cannot push me down,
You cannot keep these lips forever in a frown.
You cannot rule my life,
Nor can you drive me to take my breath away by a knife
You can make your bed in my fallen state
Start your work in the early morning and keep me up late
You may steal my sleep
And try to pull me into the deep
Make my future bleak
Make me tired and weak.
You can enjoy and stay,
You never have to go away
Unless my Saviour commands you to go,
I accept that you might never show.
You may stab and burn,
But through every pain I have a lesson to learn
You will not take control of the depression I feel
Though you can make it so I never heal
So I say one last time, that you may stay here,
but to my soul you shall not draw near."

Things Not To Be Done

 Something that I need to remember throughout life. God's teaching me not to hold so closely to my plans lately, thought I'd finally write out my emotions in a poem.

“There are plans in life not to be done,
Life is not always full of love and fun
And yet our hopes and plans we hold too tight
Even if we know they will never happen, we say they might.
There are things we must learn to take,
When all our plans and hopes are at stake
We must learn to be disappointed and live on,
Though it may last all our days long.
There are people who will let you down,
But you must learn not to frown.
Rarely will you find a faithful friend who will always be there
Rarely will mankind not drive you to despair
But learn to deal with it, you must,
Learn to deal with it and yet still trust.
We believe such sweet lies and hold on longer
We fool ourselves into believing it makes us stronger.
But the more we hold on, the more it will break our hearts
The more damage it will do as it tears us apart.
Remember to hold all things loosely if all must one day go,
Even if it means we must keep our hopes low.”

Suffer Well

 "We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. -Romans 5:3--5"

"Dear Self,
God does not promise to rid your life of affliction and difficulty. He does, however, offer to give you the grace needed to suffer well, and through grace to discover the riches and beauty of the gospel. It isn't wrong to ask God to relieve you of your pain, but it is more important that in the midst of the pain you reply on the promise of God to work such experiences for his glory and for your good--to use these times as a means to perfect our faith, strengthen your spirit, and transforming your life in such a way that you are becoming more like Jesus.
I know you want relief, but often relief comes, not in the form of the removal of the affliction, but in the strengthening of your faith. And that is what these trials are designed to do--test, prove, and strengthen your faith. In times of ease you have sometimes wondered just how real and robust is your faith. In times of your own weakness you have asked God to sanctify you, grow you, and strengthen you. Well, here is your answer. God accomplishes much of that through your "fiery trial" when you suffer well. To suffer well doesn't mean you put on a stoic face and muscle through the situation without a word. It means that through your suffering you trust God, bless him, look to him, and point others to him.
When the world strips away your comfort and confidence in things temporal, when friends become enemies and attack you, when in the providence of God suffering enters your life like a flash flood, you are given an opportunity to see very clearly where your ultimate dependance lies and where you find your identity. And it's not just something that reveals truth about yourself; it is also something God uses to sanctify you.
Do you want to be confident in God's good purposes for your life? Then you must discover them in times of ease as well as times of difficulty. Do you want to become more like Christ? Then you must suffer, and suffer well."

--Note To Self, Joe Thorn

Memories

The mind has always interested me; its mysteries unfathomable. The things it stores and forgets seem so random; and can be the tiniest things in an event.

Personally, I’ve never had a wonderful memory, and for the most part, the things that have stayed with me seem to be either random or depressing.

Sometimes I wonder, in ten years, which of my memories will fade and which will stay?

Too often there have been days so sweet that I’ve closed my eyes and thought, ‘I hope I never forget this feeling, this moment, it’s so beautiful.’ But in a few months, these things seemed to be lost in my mind forever.

And yet, many of the memories that have lingered for so long with me are ones that I’ve never thought much about. They all just seem bizarre.

But the more and deeper I consider why I have the memories I do, the more it makes sense.

I’ve come to believe that just as every event has a reason, every memory we hold does too. And to back up my theory, I’ll show you four examples.

Most of the memories I have are with my family; the ones I hold so close are ones with my brothers in them. When they took me on roller coasters, and brought me along on their outings, they pulled me out of my shell, and tried cheering me up after my sister and sister-in-law both left the family.

Those are the very memories that have stuck with me the longest, and it’s always been a bit strange to remember the smallest things of our relationship.

Until that is, I realized how much those memories really do count in the long run, because those were the very moments that were used to bring me out of my shell, to take risks and dares, to have fun in life, to get shushed by my mum when I laugh and talk really loud like my brothers do. They were the little moments that helped me to just be myself.

On the other hand, I have memories of my sister. Not tons, but ones that remind me of how I wanted a relationship with her, and how I used to look up to her, and wanted to be like her. Those times that made me believe that being gorgeous and getting all the guys was all that mattered in life. Those were the times that caused me to start thinking the wrong way, which I’ve struggled with for so long. Thinking in ways that scarred my views on where true beauty lies and what really matters in life.

And then there are memories with my dad; where he used to hold me in his arms, after I failed at explaining myself in small groups when first challenged on my beliefs. Those talks where he told me that while he was in seminary he would fail at explaining himself, and it was okay to do so; it just meant you needed to work harder at communicating.

And as I look back, I see how much conversations with my dad affected me. It made me become braver; they taught me to speak out and communicate better, and to be firm in my theology.

Last of all, there are those terrible memories that we all hold, the ones we wish we could forget, and yet they stay so clearly in our minds as if we could relive them.

I think those memories are kept to remind us of what great sinners we are, and what a Great Saviour we have. The horrific and disgusting failures in the past are there to remind us of the everlasting grace bestowed upon us. I wouldn’t even need to give you an example here, because we all have them. And though we hate those memories, I believe they are some of the most important; because God’s Mercy is never something to be forgotten or taken lightly.

Thinking through all of those seemingly random examples, especially the ones with my brothers, I have become sure that our memories hold much significance in our lives.

Memories to show us how we’ve come to act and think like we do, to show us how we’ve come to where we are today, and to show us how we were shaped into who we are today.

In conclusion, I believe there is a reason for every memory our minds hold captive; no matter how terrible, or random, or little it may be.

God Bless,

  A.W.

My Last Poem For Who Knows How Long

A poem I wrote a while back, kinda to God, that it's not enough to write and talk, but I need to not be a hypocrite and actually live it out.
So here we go...

"It's not enough to write,
It's not enough to say all that is right.
It's a shame how at times my life is a lie,
It's a shame that my life does not echo my poems' battle cries.
For what is the use of talking when I don't mean it,
When I fail at living out every bit.
What a shame it is to get lazy, and don't live to the full,
Giving into pain's every pull.
Letting sickness and pain have it's toll with me,
In full, at time what a liar I can be.

But change me now, O God!
Up against my words, don't let me be found a fraud!
Help me to live out every word I put down,
By your grace, don't let me drown.
For it is not enough to simply write great things
For if the words don't match to my life, make it hurt like one big sting,
Shooting me back to life, all that should be true.
Please kill the old and bring on the new.
O God, let these words match up to a life I won't be ashamed to watch over before I die.
O God, don't ever let these words be a lie!"

God Bless,
 A.W.

Where Is Your Joy?

Out of all the years in my life, God's said "no" to all of the big things in life. And so often it's cast me into depression, but God's blessed me this year to learn how to deal with it. Man, He's really blessed me, even though I've gotten so many "nos" this year.
I challenge myself a lot about where my joy lays. And the other day I had to do that very thing, so I wrote a poem out.
And here it is.

"Joy should not be based upon my circumstances.
It should not be based on whether my world is colorful or grey,
Or whether or not people leave or stay.
It should not be based on whether or not I'm in pain
Or whether or not I suffer from loss or gain.
I don't want my joy to be based on any of these.
I don't want my emotions to be carried off like the breeze.
I want my hope and joy to be firm,
Because I'm so sick of being in depression, pathetic as a worm.
I need to learn to keep joy when God's answer is 'no'.
I need to remember that through this He will make me grow.

My joy should never be based on anyone or anything
Through whatever happens, God, let my soul always sing.
Let all my joy be based on God
Don't let my emotions be in one giant wad.
But set them to peace,
Slaughter inside that raging beast.
Let my depression be done.
Lift this burden that weighs a ton
Help me to let my joy be based on God alone,
And let me be able to take a hundred more "no's" without a weary groan."

God Bless,
 A.W.

Thoughts on Kony 2012

So I won't lie. But I am pretty sick of all of this spam going on through the internet.
It's all over YouTube, and it's all over FB. It's only been a few days since it's been released too. It's way too much.
 Watched the whole thing last night. At first, I admit, I was more for it, and thought it was a good thing to do. But the more I thought about it, I realized how messed up it all was.
We all want to have a good feeling and feel like we are standing up for something.
And yet, we forget to actually, really, deeply think of things.

I don't think that it's America's place to step into this situation. Sure, we all want justice, but America isn't giving justice in her own country as it is!
Americans protest at the death penalty when a serial killer, who has killed hundreds of people in brutal ways is brought to trial. They say, "Put him in jail with a life sentence! But don't take his life!"
Justice is not served rightly in this country.
So how do we expect to serve it in another country?

And not only that, but consider that America is already in a deep financial ditch. Why should we spend more money on a country that isn't our business? We don't need to go into more debt. Just going to raise more taxes and whatnot. Sending soldiers to another country just to get someone isn't worth all the money it will cost.

Oh, and now you are probably thinking that this all sounds rather harsh. Thinking I don't have much of a heart. But remember that this world will always need justice. Ridding the world of one "infamous man" isn't enough, evil will still reign somewhere in the world.
Getting rid of one man won't make this world a better and happier place. Won't at all. I don't think it will be good for America to go into something like this. Think people need to start using their minds and really start thinking over this Kony thing.
Because, to be quite honest, this spam is really annoying. So those are my thoughts, had to get them out somewhere.

God Bless,
 A.W.

A Better Plan Than Mine

God said no to something last week, and somehow He still gave me the Grace and Strength to write this on that day. God is good. God has a plan. A better one than mine.

"This is not the end,
Though there's not much more than can make this heart bend.
Hope is now taken away,
And this pain may just always stay.
But it's been my reality for two years
I've already laid down my fears.
I used to want a shoulder to lean on, someone to love
But now I understand I've always had God above.
For He understands and comforts me in sorrow,
He gives me peace for tomorrow.
Behind every no, He has a right reason.
And with His Grace I'll survive this hard season.
What worry should I have, when I've got a God who loves me?
I know that one day, from this pain I'll be set free.
For my God has a purpose, a plan, He knows what is best.
One day I'll be given such sweet rest.
Somehow He'll use this for His glory.
This is just one part of my story.
It's not the answer that's brought me to tears,
It's the fact that I have a Sovereign God who still holds me so dear.
But what more I have to look forward to
The hope of heaven rings so true!
For one day I'll be free from this pain, and have rest.
But for today, let me bask in the peace that my God knows best."

Soli Deo Gloria!

God Bless,
  A.W.

My Constant Prayer

I wrote this poem, aimed at how my conversations with God go these days...because this Thursday I get to go to the docs, and this is the last chance they have to find something wrong with me. Because I've been in pain every day for over two years, and no one can figure out why.
So I wrote this, as my prayer to God. What I keep praying over and over throughout the day.

"For you, O God, know my pain, and know I'm sick
You know that this isn't something that I wanted to pick
But you've pulled me through, long over two years.
You've used it to draw me near
You have a plan, a better one than mine,
And for that reason alone, I haven't the right to whine.
You know I hurt, and You give me grace to face the day
Even when in my bed I lay.
For You are good and just in the outcome You've chosen.
You've used it to make me from the world so loosened.

You may have an answer and a cure,
I know You hold me dear.
And You would never put me through this if You didn't think it was for the best
Either way, I know in the end I'll have rest.
If You have me cured, then praise God for His Grace!
Praise God for His Mercy in this tough race.
Let this be ended and used for Your greater glory
Use this as my story.

But even if they say I am just a walking body without a future here
Remind me that You are still near.
For my future is up above
My future is in Christ, whose arms are opened in love
With the hope of heaven, what other motivation do I need here?
If all I have is in Christ, what great loss should I fear?

For whether I am cured or stay in pain,
I know from this world there's nothing I will gain.
So let me live to the fullest, with the end in mind
With eternity in highest thought, all of me this world cannot bind.
Let me write each day as if it my last,
Let me write out all I've learned from the past.
Let it all me a light, use it as You will.
And never cease to keep me filled.
Use this suffering and pain for Your glory
Let me never spend a moment in future worry.
Set my eyes on today.
Give me the right things to say.
Don't let my life go to waste, break me down if You must.
For whatever happens, I know in my Faithful God I will trust."

God Bless,
  A.W.

On Loneliness

"What is loneliness but a sad story, long ignored and forgotten?
Is it just a sin un-dealt with and rotten?
Or is the cure, as they so often teach today, friends?
Is that the cure for lonely spirits, hiding in their dens?
So they tell you mortal men will always understand and always be there.
But it won't take long for reality to sink in and show you, you can't always be in a pair.
For your friends might be there on the weekends, but never there 24/7
How comforting it is to know you have a Father in Heaven
Here you have someone immortal, and always there to pour everything out.
And He is there healing and listening without a doubt
Fellowship with the Father is the only lasting cure to a lonesome spirit,
Time with man is no where near it.
For man's life is only a vapor, only a breathe
So easily shaken by death.
Even when no one casts a glance at you, and when the pitiful feelings sink in
The world has not succeeded in pulling you down, no, the world will not win.
Even when your friends don't care and stop to chill,
Your empty heart, your Heavenly Father will never cease to fill."

God Bless,
  A.W.

Some Spurgeon

"Men will allow God to be everywhere but on his throne. They will allow him to be in his workshop to fashion worlds and make stars. They will allow Him to be in His almonry to dispense His alms and bestow his bounties. they will allow Him to sustain the earth and bear up the pillars thereof, or light the lamps of heaven, or rule the waves of the ever-moving ocean; but when God ascends Hes throne, His creatures then gnash their teeth. And we proclaim an enthroned God, and His right to do as He wills with His own, to dispose of His creatures as He thinks well, without consulting them in the matter; then it is that we are hissed and execrated, and then it is that men turn a deaf ear to us, for God on His throne is not the God they love. But it is God upon the throne that we love to preach. It is God upon His throne whom we trust."


"There are times when solitude is better than society, and silence is wiser than speech. We should be better Christians if we were more alone, waiting upon God, and gathering through meditation on His Word spiritual strength for labour in his service. We ought to muse upon the things of God, because we thus get the real nutriment out of them. . . . Why is it that some Christians, although they hear many sermons, make but slow advances in the divine life? Because they neglect their closets, and do not thoughtfully meditate on God's Word. They love the wheat, but they do not grind it; they would have the corn, but they will not go forth into the fields to gather it; the fruit hangs upon the tree, but they will not pluck it; the water flows at their feet, but they will not stoop to drink it. From such folly deliver us, O Lord. . . ."

--C.H. Spurgeon

God Bless,
  A.W.

Making The Most Of It

2012! Here at last, though I thought 2011 went by much too quickly. 2011 was pack full of things. And I come out of that year thankful for every bit of it; the light parts and the dark. Everything was a blessing.
God taught me so much.
He taught me a lot about people and friendships.
He taught me about freedom from addiction.
He taught me how to deal with depression.
And even at the very end of the year, He let me gather my thoughts of certain subjects so that I would have a view on them. The two most important subjects were: Depression, and rejection. Things I deal with pretty much every day. Things I struggle with.
Already this year I've struggled so hard with not falling into depression again; gathering the things that I have learned last year, I can better fight this coming year with myself.
Right now, today, it's hard not to give up and give into depression. I know that if I wasn't a Christian I would be dead. But God has me here, and He's given me things to do.
I am working hard at those things right now, working hard to make things happen--God is blessing me in those things too.
I came out of such a great year, and now I don't think this will be such a wonderful year. But whatever God has in store for me, I'm determined to make the most of it.
It's been a sad start of the year; but I am going to hold on. Going to do what God has commanded me to do. Going to make the most of this year; just like I did with last year.
Not going to give up tonight.

God Bless,
 A.W.

Messy

Been meaning to write this post for a while now, but I haven't found the words. Hopefully I've got my thoughts collected now.
Over this past year as I finally have gained the courage to look back at past years without so much shame, I realized something important. Relationships are messy. They really are.
Of course, you hear people saying that all the time, but for me, at least, people can tell me things all day, but a lot has to happen to actually make something real to me.
When I first started realizing how messy my relationships with people were it hurt. It made me want to give up on everyone. But thinking about it more made me realize that even though I have had too many people who I'd grown close to stab me in the back and such, I realized that I grew and learned something through all of those.
Each and every one of them. Looking at my life now, and the people who I know, I see a bit of how God's used them to change me.
Before, I never really viewed friendships like that. I never thought that through every relationship there is something to be learned.
It's nice to have those one of two people in your life who you never fight with or anything. And yet, those people are so few.
They say that the closest of friends fight, but then make up in the end. People say that conflicts bring you closer.
I can see that, I understand that. The hard thing for me is to decide whether or not I should draw the line between who I should try to make friends with again or not. Not saying I just leave things undone, no, no, always be ready to forgive.
What I am saying is that I wonder sometimes if I am a fool to keep reaching out to the same people who continually stab me in the back. Seems like I never learn. But perhaps I do learn...perhaps I just do it because I'm not ready to give up on any of them.
I've learned over this year that making friends is risky, at least in my life it is.
It would be easy to not take the risks. It would be easy to go along with the people I am closest to and not make an effort with people who I've gotten into conflict with. Life would be so simple without others.
But of course, we're all sinful. And we all have our flaws.
Think mine shows more than other peoples' do though.
I definitely have my fights with people. Most are my bad. But my point still rests, at least in my life, that relationships are messy.
And yet, even through all the conflicts and fights, I know God is changing both of us, growing us too. And even through the betrayals, relationships are still worth it.

God Bless,
  A.W.