Silence

"This mind has not been loud
Thought have not burst in like a crowd.
I have worked in silence, the only thoughts coming are merely small prayers.
Few words spoken and eyes filled with empty stares
In my mind I sit alone on a bench
The light rain beginning to on me, drench.
Knowing what my friends are going through,
Feeling that it's not terribly new.
It breaks my heart,
Although, having already a taste of what they feel, it tears me apart.
It has filled me with sorrow too much for words to say
Too full for me to come up with words to pray.
It's not that in God I refuse to trust,
Knowing He has a plan and having peace is a must.
It's not that I am lonesome without the company of those dear friends,
No, that isn't what's making this heart bend.
It's the understanding of nothing helping when in great pain,
Knowing how my friend feels as she struggles to dance in the rain.
It's understanding how believers bite and stab each other
How the church can stop feeling lie it's made up of sisters and brothers.
It's the connection of knowing a bit how they feel that sets me in this silent state.
Not feeling anything, no, not even hate.
But oh how comforting it is to know I sit not alone on this bench.
And that I have shelter keeping me from getting drenched.
For when this silence shatters, I will fall apart in God's Hand,
Where the landing is sure to be softer than sand.
He is catching these tears I cry,
Hearing the prayers breathed through each sigh.
For my God reads all of those actions and knows the words my tongue cannot speak
He knows that I am, oh so weak.
Crying over everyone's lives, as if they were my own,
Though often happening, this to the world is not often shown.
But in my weakness He hears me still,
This empty mind soon to be filled."

Dancing In The Rain

"God has sent this rain
God has blessed me with this pain.
He has sent these dark clouds to cover the sky
He has sent these raindrops to wash away the tears I cry.
For so long I believed to be cursed
Never cared to stop before the clouds burst
The drops starting merely at a patter,
Opening my eyes to see what mattered.
But by then it was all too late
I thought I'd chosen my own tragic fate
As the thunder cracked above,
I couldn't see how this pain was given out of love
But in time He showed me reasons
And let the rain soften and harden in seasons
Never has He given me full shelter from the storm
But only enough to keep me alive and warm
Though washed away are all my stains
I still stand in unceasing rains
Never may I again see the sky so clear
But never have I felt my God so near.
So many reasons have been revealed to me
And the ultimate reason I finally can see
For all they ever said was that the storm was a test
Never did they say that God only does what is best
Never did they say it was all out of love
Never have I found such joy in these clouds above
Oh how this love has taken away the bitter chill
Oh what peace I've been given when there hasn't yet been a still
What a grace it is to raise these arms up against the harsh drops
To spin around and dance, knowing the rain might never stop.
Though the ground has become wet so I may slip and fall
My God will always hear me when I call.
Even as the thunder crashes, making me look above
I am reminded of how the storm is sent out of love.
For this is how much my God cares for me
That in this storm He's given me the will to let it all be
To be finished with all this groaning and sighing
To let the rain wash away the tears I've been crying
So what a blessing these dark clouds have been
What a blessing it is to smile and up to the heavens raise my chin
And though the rain splatters against my face
Never have I felt such unceasing grace.
Oh God, teach me how to rejoice in the storm of this pain
Oh God, teach me how to dance in this rain."

The Weather....and my inspiration

This week has been the best writing week of the year so far. Logically, it shouldn't be, not at all. It should be one of the worst. There are two main reasons why this week should not have been my best writing week.
Because:
 I. I can't stand the story that I have to edit. It's terrible. I wrote it a year or so ago. Do you know how much my writing has changed since then? A lot. It's a drag trying to edit all of this. And, plus, I never knew how long it was till now. I might be half way done with it and it already has nearly 20,000 words. None of my stories are supposed to be that long! And this is part I of the entire story, and I thought that the second half was long. I have never made it to 50,000 words after editing and cutting. But maybe I will this time. Who knows.

II. Because the weather men lied to me. They said we would have a big rainstorm today. And at 7 in the morning I wake up and it's as sunny as it can be. Surprise, surprise. Now it's almost 10 and it's as dry as it can be. There goes my inspiration. So much for the rain in South CA. I should know better than to get my hopes  for rain.

Those are two very good reasons that I shouldn't be inspired. And yet, I had a fantastic writing week. Figure that. Maybe it's because I only give myself 40 minutes to write, and I want to finish this story. It seems that whenever I wake up at 5 do my stuff, and then sit down at 8 to write an hour, I write less then, than I do when I wake up at 7 and give myself 40 minutes to write. I still don't really understand that.
 Well, next week probably won't be any better. I need to get this story finished, at least the first half soon. Maybe I should just wake up at 7 every morning till I get it done?
I don't know. Depending on what happens today, I will decide what I will do for next week.
Other than trying to edit AD, the second book in the DD series, I have to work on the outline for the third book in the DD series.
I wrote the ideas sometime last year, and I have almost no direction whatsoever in making this outline. And I need to do it soon. So I have that to think about as long as editing.
I usually love outlining, but right now it's tough, becuase I am not sure how to approach it.
Might consider using the Snowflake method. Anyways, there's my writing life right now.
So two things I have to figure out this week:

I. How to approach my outline for the last DD book.

II. Figure out when to wake up.

Sad thing about myself, as a writer. Some writers are most inspired in the afternoon, or at night, or at odd hours of the morning like 2 or 3. I write better in the morning, any time in the morning really. Except not at 12--4, because if I take a "new" medication that I am on the night before, I am totally out of it by 12. So, my only option is to wake up early and write.
Sad, I know. Wish I would write better in the afternoon or at night. But that's just how I am.

"I write when I am inspired, and I see to it that I'm inspired at nine o'clock every morning." --Peter DeVries

That is a quote that I should live up to. Except it should say 8 o'clock every morning. =D
Well, I am sure that I just bored you to tears about my life as a writer. I will stop now, for your sake.

God Bless,
  A.W.