Dancing In The Rain

"God has sent this rain
God has blessed me with this pain.
He has sent these dark clouds to cover the sky
He has sent these raindrops to wash away the tears I cry.
For so long I believed to be cursed
Never cared to stop before the clouds burst
The drops starting merely at a patter,
Opening my eyes to see what mattered.
But by then it was all too late
I thought I'd chosen my own tragic fate
As the thunder cracked above,
I couldn't see how this pain was given out of love
But in time He showed me reasons
And let the rain soften and harden in seasons
Never has He given me full shelter from the storm
But only enough to keep me alive and warm
Though washed away are all my stains
I still stand in unceasing rains
Never may I again see the sky so clear
But never have I felt my God so near.
So many reasons have been revealed to me
And the ultimate reason I finally can see
For all they ever said was that the storm was a test
Never did they say that God only does what is best
Never did they say it was all out of love
Never have I found such joy in these clouds above
Oh how this love has taken away the bitter chill
Oh what peace I've been given when there hasn't yet been a still
What a grace it is to raise these arms up against the harsh drops
To spin around and dance, knowing the rain might never stop.
Though the ground has become wet so I may slip and fall
My God will always hear me when I call.
Even as the thunder crashes, making me look above
I am reminded of how the storm is sent out of love.
For this is how much my God cares for me
That in this storm He's given me the will to let it all be
To be finished with all this groaning and sighing
To let the rain wash away the tears I've been crying
So what a blessing these dark clouds have been
What a blessing it is to smile and up to the heavens raise my chin
And though the rain splatters against my face
Never have I felt such unceasing grace.
Oh God, teach me how to rejoice in the storm of this pain
Oh God, teach me how to dance in this rain."

Perspective

It has been a rough two days. Dealing with the side effects of anti-depressants. Not much fun at all. In fact, I've grown frustrated to the point of tears. My normal pain mixed with other pain in the same general area is not fun whatsoever.
I have had so much trouble today that by now, that heavy weight in my chest has finally come...the weight in your chest when you just want to be done with everything. A little part of me wants to just give up on it all, and be upset at this messed up body again. Part of me wants to just give up and give into the weight of depression inside. But upon thinking over all of this, I reminded myself that all was for a purpose, every tiny detail.

Perspective. Too often it's easy for me to give into having the wrong perspective and stay that way. It's too easy for me to hate my body, and hate myself for falling into depression. It's too easy for me to give into my old ways.
It's hard to maintain the right perspective when you're in pain and when that weight of depression comes back to you. It's hard to keep it when it's just so easy to fall.
But tonight, the reminder that God has a purpose for everything that happens is what has given me peace.  That reminder hasn't taken that weight away, but it has made up my mind to not give in.
There could be so many reasons why I have had two terrible days with these side effects.
Maybe God has put them in my life to tell me that anti-depressants won't help me with my pain, maybe He's using this to save me another month and a half taking these meds. Maybe He is telling me to move on to the next thing.

Or perhaps He is reminding me of the reason why I write "Please Don't Give Up Tonight" on my wrist almost every day. Sure not every day I feel depressed, or want to give up on living, but I still write it. Perhaps He is reminding me that those aren't just pointless words. Perhaps He is reminding me that I don't write those words on my wrist so people will ask. Perhaps He is reminding me not to give up--and to fight past pain and depression and go on with life. And not shut down on people, and to not stop working.

Or maybe He has given me these days so that I could once again re-center my focus and perspective in hard times.
I don't know why He has given me these days, but He has given them to me for a reason. And maybe I can't see that right away, and maybe I will never see it, but the thought alone gives me all the more endurance to hold on. Because He has a purpose and I am a tool in His Hand. Need to maintain the right perspective in my situation and be willing to be used in whatever way He chooses.
That's what I need to remind myself tonight. Because there is a reason why I write, "Please Don't Give Up Tonight," on my wrist. There is a reason to everything that happens. And that is a comforting reminder to me, something to pull me through the pain and depression. God has a plan, a perfect one.

God Bless,
  A.W.

He Loves Me

I attended the last Resolved conference this weekend. Though disappointed in some of the people I went with, the preaching and worship was incredible. The greatest thing I pulled away from the weekend was this: God loves me.

On the last day, after the first session in the morning I met up with a lady who used to tutor me. She stopped tutoring me a couple years back when her husband went Home to meet the Lord. They were an older couple, both kind, loved God so much.
I attended the memorial service, and that was the last time I saw my tutor. So I was excited to see her again; she asked about school, and what I was going to do with my life. After I had talked some I asked what was new with her. She started naming off some things like one of her daughters getting a boyfriend who seems quite serious, and at last, in a tight yet soft voice she said, "And missing Mr. D."  The moment she said that, tears filled her eyes, and I felt tears fill my own. She said she wasn't sure what God wanted her to do next.  And off that, somehow we got to talking about physical pain. I ended up telling her of my chronic pain, and she told me that her chronic arthritis  had started when she was 25.
We have both been fighters; her being one with years of experience, much more than I. But all the same, we both spoke the same, of not letting pain ruin our lives, or how we live. It was good to have someone I could so easily relate to in this area. Someone who thought how I did about pain.
From pain, we spoke of God's purposes in it. And how He has used it in both our lives. And from God's purposes, we spoke of Home and how glorious it will be. She told me about how having her husband gone has made her think more of Home than ever before. Daily she would think of how sweet Eternity will be. I told her that my pain reminds me that this earth is not Home, that from the pain, I look all the more to Eternity. How comforting it is to know that this is the closest to Hell we will ever get. In full we had a wonderful conversation; both on the brink of tears, we talked of our Great Father, His purposes, and our Home.

So in light of that conversation, the next sermon that we heard was about the future glory of the Church. Steve Lawson preached an incredible sermon, and at one point went off about the love of God. The line that hit me the hardest was, 'God does what is best'. 
Then I realized that everything that comes my way; even trials and thorns put in my life are not only to change me. But over that, because He loves me.
He gives us thorns because that is what is best. Him doing what is best is Him saying that He loves us.
God gave me chronic pain because He loves me.
God took away Mr. D because He loves Mrs. D.

But too often we think that anything that goes wrong in our lives is because we have done wrong. Too often we take things as a curse from God.  We have formed a terrible perspective from the world, that only when good things happen does God show His love towards us. And maybe we don't see right away the reasons why bad things happen. But that doesn't mean that it must be for a bad reason. Even when it is a tragic thing.
My perspective once again has been so changed this weekend. I've come this far, after over two and a half years, to realize that this thorn is a blessing in disguise.
Perhaps God is preparing me for a lifetime of chronic pain--but whatever it ma be, no longer does this pain feel like a curse. God gave it to me because He loves me.

The feeling I have had over the last two days is like none other. I didn't cry while listening to the sermon, I cried alone a bit in the bathroom an hour later, before the group of people I was with dragged me to the mall.
It's funny how you can cry, be red in the face and have watery eyes, and yet no one cares to notice.
But even as I sat alone on a bench in the mall, I felt so overwhelmed by my realization. The weight of God's love enough to make my body tremble, even as I walked alone though the mall. I fought back tears, because there were no words to describe the weight I felt.
God loves me was all that ran through my head.
God loves me.
God loves me.

The weight of that love is beyond anything words can ever describe. I can't speak of it, not even write this post without tears.
Sure I have known that God loves me. But in light of my trials and pains, it has never been so powerful as it has today.
I can go through trials and take these thorns as blessings. He gives them to me because He knows that this is what is best for me. He does what is best for me because He loves me.
He loves me.
He not only gives, but He takes away. He does what is best for His children. Sometimes Him taking away our loved ones is what is best. It is not always so tragic as we think first off. He does what is best for us, even though it can be hard.
So that is what I've brought back; that is what has caused all of these tears over the last two days.
God. Loves. Me.

God Bless,
  A.W.

The Beauty Prize

Keep on Walking

This poem is one I wrote about how you shouldn't let it kill you, when you feel like you see yourself through someone else's eyes. It's hard to not let what someone else thinks of you get into your head too much. And I think at times, when you have to walk away, you have to just look up to God in order to remember that you are loved by Him and that's what matters the most, even if everyone else in the world's let you down.
So yeah, here is something I wrote on it.

 "Realizing that you are not enough,
is beyond just tough.
Realizing you aren't worth the miles and time,
Makes walking away feel like you aren't worth a dime
To see those sweet words just as lies
Makes it so hard to see your worth through another person's eyes.

And when that time comes for you to move on,
Don't let your heart stay for too long
Give it all up to God,
All of these emotions in a wad.
Carry on, for God has a better way,
Don't be afraid of any mistakes, for He will tell you to go or stay
Keep in mind that He loves you so
That even through the ups and downs, He will make you grow
So when the time comes, walk on still
For your Saviour has a perfect will
In your Father, there is love
He even prepares a place for you above
He chose you when you deserved hell,
He chose you even when you fell.
He has struck worth into your soul
And anyone who doesn't see that should be found a fool
See your worth through His eyes,
And don't let your life be weighed down upon by someone else's lies."

God Bless,
  A.W.

Dear Pain,

This is a poem to my pain, that I wrote yesterday.
I hate that it makes me feel like being depressed, hate it so much. Tempted to fall into depression this week. And out of that resistance came this poem..


"You cannot break into this soul,
Even when the pain is full.
You can make your living here
But to my life you cannot draw near.
You cannot push me down,
You cannot keep these lips forever in a frown.
You cannot rule my life,
Nor can you drive me to take my breath away by a knife
You can make your bed in my fallen state
Start your work in the early morning and keep me up late
You may steal my sleep
And try to pull me into the deep
Make my future bleak
Make me tired and weak.
You can enjoy and stay,
You never have to go away
Unless my Saviour commands you to go,
I accept that you might never show.
You may stab and burn,
But through every pain I have a lesson to learn
You will not take control of the depression I feel
Though you can make it so I never heal
So I say one last time, that you may stay here,
but to my soul you shall not draw near."

Suffer Well

 "We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. -Romans 5:3--5"

"Dear Self,
God does not promise to rid your life of affliction and difficulty. He does, however, offer to give you the grace needed to suffer well, and through grace to discover the riches and beauty of the gospel. It isn't wrong to ask God to relieve you of your pain, but it is more important that in the midst of the pain you reply on the promise of God to work such experiences for his glory and for your good--to use these times as a means to perfect our faith, strengthen your spirit, and transforming your life in such a way that you are becoming more like Jesus.
I know you want relief, but often relief comes, not in the form of the removal of the affliction, but in the strengthening of your faith. And that is what these trials are designed to do--test, prove, and strengthen your faith. In times of ease you have sometimes wondered just how real and robust is your faith. In times of your own weakness you have asked God to sanctify you, grow you, and strengthen you. Well, here is your answer. God accomplishes much of that through your "fiery trial" when you suffer well. To suffer well doesn't mean you put on a stoic face and muscle through the situation without a word. It means that through your suffering you trust God, bless him, look to him, and point others to him.
When the world strips away your comfort and confidence in things temporal, when friends become enemies and attack you, when in the providence of God suffering enters your life like a flash flood, you are given an opportunity to see very clearly where your ultimate dependance lies and where you find your identity. And it's not just something that reveals truth about yourself; it is also something God uses to sanctify you.
Do you want to be confident in God's good purposes for your life? Then you must discover them in times of ease as well as times of difficulty. Do you want to become more like Christ? Then you must suffer, and suffer well."

--Note To Self, Joe Thorn

My Last Poem For Who Knows How Long

A poem I wrote a while back, kinda to God, that it's not enough to write and talk, but I need to not be a hypocrite and actually live it out.
So here we go...

"It's not enough to write,
It's not enough to say all that is right.
It's a shame how at times my life is a lie,
It's a shame that my life does not echo my poems' battle cries.
For what is the use of talking when I don't mean it,
When I fail at living out every bit.
What a shame it is to get lazy, and don't live to the full,
Giving into pain's every pull.
Letting sickness and pain have it's toll with me,
In full, at time what a liar I can be.

But change me now, O God!
Up against my words, don't let me be found a fraud!
Help me to live out every word I put down,
By your grace, don't let me drown.
For it is not enough to simply write great things
For if the words don't match to my life, make it hurt like one big sting,
Shooting me back to life, all that should be true.
Please kill the old and bring on the new.
O God, let these words match up to a life I won't be ashamed to watch over before I die.
O God, don't ever let these words be a lie!"

God Bless,
 A.W.

A Better Plan Than Mine

God said no to something last week, and somehow He still gave me the Grace and Strength to write this on that day. God is good. God has a plan. A better one than mine.

"This is not the end,
Though there's not much more than can make this heart bend.
Hope is now taken away,
And this pain may just always stay.
But it's been my reality for two years
I've already laid down my fears.
I used to want a shoulder to lean on, someone to love
But now I understand I've always had God above.
For He understands and comforts me in sorrow,
He gives me peace for tomorrow.
Behind every no, He has a right reason.
And with His Grace I'll survive this hard season.
What worry should I have, when I've got a God who loves me?
I know that one day, from this pain I'll be set free.
For my God has a purpose, a plan, He knows what is best.
One day I'll be given such sweet rest.
Somehow He'll use this for His glory.
This is just one part of my story.
It's not the answer that's brought me to tears,
It's the fact that I have a Sovereign God who still holds me so dear.
But what more I have to look forward to
The hope of heaven rings so true!
For one day I'll be free from this pain, and have rest.
But for today, let me bask in the peace that my God knows best."

Soli Deo Gloria!

God Bless,
  A.W.

My Constant Prayer

I wrote this poem, aimed at how my conversations with God go these days...because this Thursday I get to go to the docs, and this is the last chance they have to find something wrong with me. Because I've been in pain every day for over two years, and no one can figure out why.
So I wrote this, as my prayer to God. What I keep praying over and over throughout the day.

"For you, O God, know my pain, and know I'm sick
You know that this isn't something that I wanted to pick
But you've pulled me through, long over two years.
You've used it to draw me near
You have a plan, a better one than mine,
And for that reason alone, I haven't the right to whine.
You know I hurt, and You give me grace to face the day
Even when in my bed I lay.
For You are good and just in the outcome You've chosen.
You've used it to make me from the world so loosened.

You may have an answer and a cure,
I know You hold me dear.
And You would never put me through this if You didn't think it was for the best
Either way, I know in the end I'll have rest.
If You have me cured, then praise God for His Grace!
Praise God for His Mercy in this tough race.
Let this be ended and used for Your greater glory
Use this as my story.

But even if they say I am just a walking body without a future here
Remind me that You are still near.
For my future is up above
My future is in Christ, whose arms are opened in love
With the hope of heaven, what other motivation do I need here?
If all I have is in Christ, what great loss should I fear?

For whether I am cured or stay in pain,
I know from this world there's nothing I will gain.
So let me live to the fullest, with the end in mind
With eternity in highest thought, all of me this world cannot bind.
Let me write each day as if it my last,
Let me write out all I've learned from the past.
Let it all me a light, use it as You will.
And never cease to keep me filled.
Use this suffering and pain for Your glory
Let me never spend a moment in future worry.
Set my eyes on today.
Give me the right things to say.
Don't let my life go to waste, break me down if You must.
For whatever happens, I know in my Faithful God I will trust."

God Bless,
  A.W.

The Joy of Submitting

So this morning, my pastor spoke on paradoxes. And spoke on that verse ((which, the reference entirely slips my mind)) about whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life will keep it for eternal life.
I am sure you know that verse, but anyways, he was saying what that looked like. He gave out three points, and all of them had to do with dying to your own will, and submitting to God's.

Right now in my life, I have things that I need to let go and submit to whatever God has for me.

One of them, I've carried with me for a long time, long over two years...I hurt myself a few years back from addiction, and I've dealt with the consequences and physical pain from that every day since then. It took a long time to get me to the stage where I decided it was part of life, and that it would never go away. And that it was the will of God that it never would go away, and that I had to deal with it forever.
But now I might have the opportunity to see about the pain again. Went to the docs for it a few years ago, but gave up after a while. Now might see to it again... and over the last few months I've decided I didn't want it...but now I have to be ready to submit to whatever God has for me.
Which is hard. I want to be done with this pain, and God might make me have it forever. I need to be ready to submit to it.

And also, letting people go--letting people go on with their lives, and not holding people so closely--that's what I deal with a lot.  I have to let it all go sometimes.

And I know that that when I let go of my will-when MY will dies, and I submit to God's--I experience joy like none other. I know in the back of my head, that I need to let go of my wants, and my will, and submit to God. Need to trust in Him.
In the past, when I've learned to submit to Him--the joy that comes afterwards is like none other. And in the end, when I don't understand at the time,  afterwards I can look back and smile, because I understand a bit about how things worked out.
I mean, God's protected me from hurt and heartbreak, and sorrows. So much--it makes me feel so loved by God. Everything is for a reason, and God's will is so much better than mine, and the end is so much sweeter than I know right now.
Need to remember to do this again, because I'll have to do it so many more times in my life.
Needed to hear that sermon. Needed to get this out.
It's so hard to do, but in the end it will be so worth it.

God Bless,
  A.W.