Dear Pain,

This is a poem to my pain, that I wrote yesterday.
I hate that it makes me feel like being depressed, hate it so much. Tempted to fall into depression this week. And out of that resistance came this poem..


"You cannot break into this soul,
Even when the pain is full.
You can make your living here
But to my life you cannot draw near.
You cannot push me down,
You cannot keep these lips forever in a frown.
You cannot rule my life,
Nor can you drive me to take my breath away by a knife
You can make your bed in my fallen state
Start your work in the early morning and keep me up late
You may steal my sleep
And try to pull me into the deep
Make my future bleak
Make me tired and weak.
You can enjoy and stay,
You never have to go away
Unless my Saviour commands you to go,
I accept that you might never show.
You may stab and burn,
But through every pain I have a lesson to learn
You will not take control of the depression I feel
Though you can make it so I never heal
So I say one last time, that you may stay here,
but to my soul you shall not draw near."

Where Is Your Joy?

Out of all the years in my life, God's said "no" to all of the big things in life. And so often it's cast me into depression, but God's blessed me this year to learn how to deal with it. Man, He's really blessed me, even though I've gotten so many "nos" this year.
I challenge myself a lot about where my joy lays. And the other day I had to do that very thing, so I wrote a poem out.
And here it is.

"Joy should not be based upon my circumstances.
It should not be based on whether my world is colorful or grey,
Or whether or not people leave or stay.
It should not be based on whether or not I'm in pain
Or whether or not I suffer from loss or gain.
I don't want my joy to be based on any of these.
I don't want my emotions to be carried off like the breeze.
I want my hope and joy to be firm,
Because I'm so sick of being in depression, pathetic as a worm.
I need to learn to keep joy when God's answer is 'no'.
I need to remember that through this He will make me grow.

My joy should never be based on anyone or anything
Through whatever happens, God, let my soul always sing.
Let all my joy be based on God
Don't let my emotions be in one giant wad.
But set them to peace,
Slaughter inside that raging beast.
Let my depression be done.
Lift this burden that weighs a ton
Help me to let my joy be based on God alone,
And let me be able to take a hundred more "no's" without a weary groan."

God Bless,
 A.W.

Random Video I Made

Not very good though, but It was my first try. So at least give me that. Anyways, decided to put a poem I wrote about people who struggle with depression/addictions to music and some photos.
Seen lots of people do it before, think I did it a bit too fast though. But...lesson learned at least. Here it is.

God Bless,
  A.W.

Just Another Poem....

"What have been our greatest lies?
Has it been the "I'm good" in a reply to shut people out?
Has it been the smiles we put on in quick denies?
What is it that has caused them no doubt?

The only answer is in the mirror
Where your perfect smile and shining eyes hide a million tears
Let the floodgates open, releasing your fear
When you realize all you are is a mask among your peers.

Now the face you see is your greatest enemy,
You want to hate it, to flee, to fight,
Until you let the world tell you there's no remedy.
Suddenly you start thinking, but you know it's not right

You start seeing all the lies that made you believe everything was just fine.
You took the cheap way our of the pain
And you believed every line.
Now you've come through without a single gain.

You can cover up those scratches, scars, bruises, burns, but what's the use?
Even if you stay away for months, you'll still come back to pick up that knife
You're so sick of your own self-abuse
And for a moment, you think it's okay to take your own life.

All at once you've forgotten your purpose, your reason.
You've forgotten all that your Heavenly Father has done
You didn't stop to consider that it's just a dry season
Because you thought you were the only one.

But God isn't calling you to come Home just yet,
All the tragic happenings of your past are meant to be collected
When the cuts and bruises don't fade, you aren't meant to fret
Because all was set up in such a way for you to be connected.

At church you look around only to see smiling faces
They know all the right words to speak to get away
They all seem so far in their races
But in truth, they haven't the courage to say.

In the end, so many are just like you
Who struggle in the night, and in day put on a mask to fit,
The idea that you were pointless was never true
Because once you see the need, the candle must be lit.

What a testimony you could be,
Of only you rolled up your sleeves, revealing your scars
What opportunities you will begin to see
When the Truth carries you so far."

Making The Most Of It

2012! Here at last, though I thought 2011 went by much too quickly. 2011 was pack full of things. And I come out of that year thankful for every bit of it; the light parts and the dark. Everything was a blessing.
God taught me so much.
He taught me a lot about people and friendships.
He taught me about freedom from addiction.
He taught me how to deal with depression.
And even at the very end of the year, He let me gather my thoughts of certain subjects so that I would have a view on them. The two most important subjects were: Depression, and rejection. Things I deal with pretty much every day. Things I struggle with.
Already this year I've struggled so hard with not falling into depression again; gathering the things that I have learned last year, I can better fight this coming year with myself.
Right now, today, it's hard not to give up and give into depression. I know that if I wasn't a Christian I would be dead. But God has me here, and He's given me things to do.
I am working hard at those things right now, working hard to make things happen--God is blessing me in those things too.
I came out of such a great year, and now I don't think this will be such a wonderful year. But whatever God has in store for me, I'm determined to make the most of it.
It's been a sad start of the year; but I am going to hold on. Going to do what God has commanded me to do. Going to make the most of this year; just like I did with last year.
Not going to give up tonight.

God Bless,
 A.W.

Done!

Finished my first Christian Fantasy this last week; at least I finished enough of it that I could give it to three people to look over and critique for me. Praise God He brought me through it!
Was a hard story to work on; but I finally kept a promise to a dear friend, and I finally got everything out concerning the subject my story was on.
Now I am working on two other story ideas.
One story is a Steampunk zombie book.  ((Which will require a fair amount of research, which will be tough and take a long time, so that might take longer)).
The second is another Christian Fantasy. The theme for this one is depression.  ((Have so many ideas, but now it's just a matter of putting them together. Lord willing, I will be able to do that soon.))

I really want to work on the second; I wish I could think of a strong story for this one, and put it into the right world.
Right now, at this point in my life I have so much I want to say about depression and rejection; it's only a matter of finding the right words.
I keep reminding myself that I need a place to bleed. I need to gather my thoughts; and let them out into something that makes sense.
There are so many reasons I want to write a story with the theme of depression.
I think it would be good for me to do right now; it would be a constant reminder to me in my own life. Perhaps writing it would be good for me.
I need to bleed a bit.

--A.W.

Last Year

I hadn't thought much about last year until today. It was around this time a year ago that I was in sinking into the depths of depression. It was around this time that I spent a whole day crying and sleeping because I didn't understand what God had planned. Last year around this time was a nightmare.
And the thing that made me so depressed then is the same thing that I am dealing with now.
That is, the consequences of my addiction.
Today I realized how much has happened, and how little I feel that I have changed.
So much has happened; good and bad. I switched churches, I finally got to go to England, I got baptized, I got to rebuild/build stronger relationships with people. So much has happened!
And yet, I look back to where I was a year ago and I find it hard to see myself different in any way. It seems like everything around me has changed except me.
That's a bit scary to think about.
But when I go deeper, I realize that last year, God was quickly taking the people who had impacted me so greatly away. He took some of the strongest Christians I knew out of my life, and let me be alone. Sure it hurt. But that's how He had me grow.
He put people into my life, and He showed me that it's not about me, it's about them. I had to put down my walls altogether, and be honest and open, so that it would effect others.
The more I thought about the last year, the more I have realized how much I have changed. God took people away so that I could use the things I learned from those people to change others.
That's one area where I have grown and changed so much.

The other thing that God has taught me, and is still teaching me like always is patience. Patience and faith. For me, they go hand in hand. I have suffered the consequences of my addiction for long over a year. And my body still hurts now.
I think of how my attitude has changed towards the pain, and I see that I have become better at ignoring it and pushing it away. It's just part of life for me, and it's okay to hurt. I used to pray to God to let it stay, as long as it kept me away from falling back into addiction.
I know inside I want to be free from pain, but I tell God over and over that it's okay if He has it stay for as long as I live. It's okay if He never takes it away. It's my consequence. And if it keeps me from things, then that's okay. Because God has a plan in it, and I don't have to worry.
But still, at times, I wonder if He will ever take it away. It is coming close to two years now, and sometimes I still wonder if it will ever go away.
It's a challenge to be patient, and it's a challenge to trust in His plan.
So in a way, I look back and see how everything, and even me has changed. But then again, I look back and see that I am still in the same spot, facing the same things. And I still pray that no matter what happens, I will not do what I did a year ago, facing these things and break down into depression. I pray that God will lead me through it all and that He will grow me so that I may handle this the right way.

God Bless,
  A.W.

Depression

You are so selfish. Depression is self-centered.
And just reading that you might be thinking, "Oh, my depression isn't selfish. I don't even whine about it to people."
Just because you don't talk about your depression with others doesn't mean that it's not selfish. Why are you depressed? Because I live in a broken family. Because no one reaches out to me. Because I broke up. Because I lost my job. Because I've ruined my body.
Oh, there are so many reasons. Just think of the things I have posted above, are some of those your reasons?
They are so self-centered. Only thinking of your own self. It's all about "I, me, and myself."
Can't you see that? I beg you to cut to the core of your depression.
And even if you do realize how selfish it is, you might still say, "But I have every reason to be depressed. You don't know what it's like to be in a broken family" or "you don't know what my social life is like."
Oh my dear brother, oh my dear sister, I know life is so hard. Christ never promised us an easy life where we have the perfect life with the perfect family and friends.
In fact, God has put you in a broken family for a reason. God has put you in those situations for a reason.
And when we are in the pits of depression we must realize that it was God's will to put us in it. We must realize that everything we are experiencing is for purpose, it is for our benefit.

Now you could be thinking, "How could God put me through this? Why? I don't understand why I have to live like this. I don't understand why."
My reply to that question is "for our benefit."
Don't you know that you aren't the only one who lives in a broken family or is an outlaw at their school or work or church? You are never alone in the battles you face. There are a hundred other Christians out there who have experienced the same things you have. They are in the pits of depression like you are.
Look at how selfish you are to not even reach out to others who need encouragement.
Wouldn't you like someone to understand you and what you are going through?
Then why don't you do the same to others?
Just be honest at your church, reach out to people. They put on a mask just like you have. Oh, take off the mask. Stop wasting your life in depression. Can't you see that there is a sick a dying world out there who have been through the same things you have?
Use those things that God is putting you through to help people! They need encouragement. Just like you do. And if everyone is doing the same thing you are and wasting all of their life on trying to fulfill their depression, what good will that do?
God has put you into every situation for a purpose. And for depression, so often it can be used to reach others. Don't waste your life in depression.

God Bless,
  A.W.

You Would Never Know

They are all around us. We may never know it though. The people who struggle tooth and claw against depression.
I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
It breaks me to think that there are hundreds of Christians, and even more unbelievers who struggle with depression. And yet, even though they are among us, when we go to the mall and even our church, we would never know.
Did you know that people who struggle the most with depression are the masters at lying? At putting on a face; being whoever they need to be for someone. Putting on a smile, even when they are breaking inside. They laugh even though they are crying inside. Did you know you walk past them every day?
You never would have guessed.
You might even think that the kids who dress goth are all cutters and struggle with depression. No, they just dress that way because they want attention. The ones who are depressed dress just like you and me.
You pass by them each day. And you would never know, unless you got to know them.
You don't know how you can brighten someone's day just by reaching out to them. God might have used you to save their life that night.
Sometimes even just a smile could do.
You don't know what a person has been through. You don't know their past. Their family. Their struggles.
And sometimes, I think that as Christians we think that people who struggle with cutting or taking pills aren't with us. Oh, we're so wrong with that.
There are hundreds of Christians who deal with addictions; though some seem more serious than others.
We might never know who those people are among us. But what we can we do to help? What I say is, take off the mask. Be entirely honest. Don't hold back on talking to people; even if they aren't the most attractive. If you will be honest; it encourages them to be honest too.
You don't know who they are. They look and talk just like us. And we keep passing them by; without a smile or even one word. Don't you know how many Christians feel like they are dying inside?


God Bless,
   A.W.