After this month I will be going into the 5th year of my life with chronic pain.
This post might be the last of year 4, so I've decided to put together some quotes that I've found inspiring and comforting about suffering over the last year or so. Some of them might be long, but well worth your time. So here we go.
"But when the trial comes, then expect to have delight with it; for our troubles are generally proportioned in our joys, and joys are usually proportioned to our troubles. The more bitter the vessel of grief, the sweeter the cup of consolation; the heavier the weight of trial here, the brighter the crown of glory hereafter." --C.H. Spurgeon
"The furnace is a good place for you, Christian; it benefits you; it helps you become more like Christ, and it is fitting you for heaven. The more furnace-work you have the sooner you will get home; for God will not keep you long out of heaven when you are fit for it. When all the dross is burned, and the tin is gone, he will say, 'Bring hither that wedge of gold; I do not keep my pure gold on earth. I will put it away with my crown of jewels in the secret place of my tabernacle of heaven.'" --C.H. Spurgeon
"The more trials the more bliss, the more sufferings the more ecstasies , the more depression the higher the exaltation. Thus we shall gain more of heaven by the sufferings we shall pass through here below. Let us not then, my brethren, fear to advance through our trials: they are for our good; to stop here awhile is for our benefit. Why! we should not know how to converse in heaven if we had not a few trials and hardships to tell of, and some tales of delivering grace to repeat with joy." -C.H. Spurgeon
"First, let me say to you, my brethren, it is necessary that you should have an 'although' in your lot, because if you had not, you know what you would do; you would build a very downy nest on earth, and there you would lie down in sleep; so God puts a thorn in your nest in order that you might sing. It is said by the old writers, that the nightingale never sang so sweetly as when she sang among the thorns, since they say, the thorns prick her breast, and remind her of her song. So it may be with you. Ye, like the larks, would sleep in your nest, did not some trouble pass by and affright you; then you stretch your wings, and caroling the martin song, rise to greet the sun. Trials are sent to wean you from the world; bitters are put into your drink that you may learn to live upon the dew of heaven; the food of earth is mingled with gall, that ye may only seek for true bread in the manna which droppeth from the sky. Your soul without trouble would be as the sea if it were without tide or motion; it would become foul and obnoxious. As Coleridge describes the sea after a wondrous calm, so would the soul breed contagion and death." --C.H. Spurgeon
"Some, without doubt, have a larger cup of sorrow to drink than others. But few are to be found who live long without sorrows or cares of some sort or another. Our bodies, our poverty, our families, our children, our relations, our servants, our friends, our neighbors, our worldly callings,--each and all of these are fountains of care. Sicknesses, deaths, losses, disappointments, partings, separations, ingratitude, slander,--all these are common things. We cannot get through life without the. Some day or other they find us out. The greater are our affections, the deeper are our afflictions; and the more we love, the more we have to weep." --J.C. Ryle
"Sufferings may somewhat pain and wear thee, but they will quicken thee God-ward, and sharpen thine appetite after spiritual things." --George Swinnock.
"Trials teach us who we are; they dig up the soil and let us see what we are made of." - C.H.Spurgeon
"As sure as God puts His children in the furnace He will be in the furnace with them." -C.H. Spurgeon
flowers smell sweetest after a shower; vines bear the better for
bleeding; the walnut-tree is more fruitful when most beaten. Saints
spring and thrive most internally when they are most externally
afflicted. Afflictions are called by some 'the mother of
virtue.'...God's house of correction is His school of instruction
. All the stones that came about Stephen's ears did but knock him
closer to Christ, the corner-stone. The waves did but lift Noah's ark
nearer to heaven; and the higher the waters grew, the more near the ark
lifted to heaven. Afflictions do lift up the soul to more rich, clear,
and full enjoyments of God." -Thomas Brooks
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
It is amazing love,
that thou hast sent thy Son to suffer in my stead,
that thou hast added the Spirit to teach, comfort, guide,
that thou hast allowed the ministry of angels
to wall me round;
All heaven subserves the welfare of a poor worm.
Permit thy unseen servants to be ever active on my behalf,
and to rejoice when grace expands in me.
Suffer them never to rest until my conflict is over,
and I stand victoriously on salvation's shore.
Grant that my proneness to evil, deadness to good,
resistance to thy Spirit's motions,
may never provoke thee to abandon me.
May my hard heart awake thy pity, not thy wrath,
And if the enemy gets an advantage through my corruption,
let it be seen that heaven is mightier than hell,
that those for me are greater than those against me.
Arise to my help in richness of covenant blessings,
Keep me feeding in the pastures of thy strengthening Word,
searching Scripture to find thee there.
In my waywardness is visited with a scourge,
enable me to receive correction meekly,
to bless the reproving hand,
to discern the motive of rebuke,
to respond promptly, and do the first work.
Let all my fatherly dealings make me a partaker of thy holiness.
Grant that in every fall I may sink lower on my knees,
and that when I rise it may be to loftier heights of devotion.
May my every cross be sanctified,
every loss be gain,
every denial a spiritual advantage,
every dark day a light of the Holy Spirit,
every night of trial a song."
--The Valley of Vision
Thursday, June 13, 2013
There have been many days in my life where I've considered suicide or self-harm. Dark thoughts towards myself have played in the back of my mind. They've given me reason after reason to leave this earth; they have plagued my mind for years. But I've not given in just yet.
And while I have struggled with depression for most of my life as a Christian, these suicidal thoughts are not foreign to me. I suppose you could call it a "curse", but even through it all I've had many opportunities to learn how to deal with it all and help others through it.
I know I am learning slowly about how to deal with these thoughts. But as of late, I've learned something new.
As time goes on, the more I have felt useless to everyone. I stopped writing a few months ago when my health was too bad to focus. I've not known quite what to do ever since. I've felt like all I am is a burden to the people I know, and troublesome to my family. I've always thought the world would be better off without me. I have never been that popular amongst the people I know. No one would have trouble moving on, they would be over it within the year.
And while I still feel I might be right about all of the above, I've come to realize that I'm not right about the last bit.
I've noticed that many people who deal with suicidal thoughts tend to think that no one cares that much and that they'll just be forgotten, merely a foggy memory.
But the more I've come to deal with depression and the like, I've come to realize that there is always someone who cares. There will always be someone who will still visit your grave many years later and still think of you. There will always be that one person who won't just "move on" within a year, there will always be someone who will feel somewhat responsible over your death. And they will carry that burden with them to their own graves. All you will be doing is passing on the pain and grief you suffer to those you leave behind.
I understand that often it is hard to see who really does care. Often times it's hard to see things the right way when your mind is plagued with suicidal thoughts. I entirely understand that. It is hard to see. But I can guarantee you that there is always someone. Maybe there aren't always a lot of people at times. But there is always someone who cares that much. And who would be completely and utterly devastated over your death. There will always be that one person who will feel responsible and will struggle to forgive himself/herself. There will always be that one person who will have loved you more than you could ever know.
And when there is nothing left that you feel is keeping you here, or when you feel useless and a burden to your family, remember that there is someone out there who cares. And I'm sure while you read this you can see their face in your head.
Because while there feels like there is nothing left for you here but trouble, think of them and don't hurt yourself. Suicide isn't freeing yourself from grief and pain. It is simply passing it on to the people you know once you're dead.