Monday, October 22, 2012

I Would Not Change What Has Happened

Perhaps I'm too young to be reflecting upon my life, but I can't help but reflect back to the times I used to be angry at God for the things that have played out in life and demand why He had made them come. I am reflecting back upon the two things that have had a huge impact on my life.
For one, it was how God chose to save me.
For the longest time I never told anyone how God saved me, least not the whole story.
Of course most people don't usually give the whole story, but I'm a fairly open person who doesn't care much about what people think. So it's a bigger thing to me when I won't open up.

It wasn't only the family drama that led me to salvation. It was an author who I had come to respect and look up to.
And it wasn't till a year later from when I became a Christian that I found out the author was a complete heretic. That shook me up in so many ways; too many ways that it's pathetic to try and explain to anyone else.
So much has happened involving that author, and it's changed me into who I am, and what I care about. It's changed me for the best. But it was always a hard thing. So often I had demanded to know why God had used that author. I mean, there's so many other authors writing Christian fantasy out there. I couldn't come to grips with why he would let a author become my hero who would later turn out to be a heretic. I just couldn't for so many reasons.
But as time moved on, as I come to understand theology, as I came to meet and connect with various people on that forum, as I began to write, I realized how much God had used that one man in my life.
He had used it not only for my sanctification but also used it so I would connect with others.
It hadn't been a waste.
And as I look back I see reasons why He had chosen to use that author.
I don't mention anything that relates to that much anymore, I've told enough people who haven't understood. And I know that you'd have to be through it, you'd have to be me to understand why sometimes I still cry when I look back.
So that has been one area I was reflecting upon today. And looking back I see how much God has used that, and how He has been gracious enough to show me the reasons "why" He put that in my life.
And even after all the hurt and sadness it has brought into my life in so many ways, and even though it still can make me cry, I don't regret a thing. I am thankful it was put in my life how it was.
If I had the choice to make it different, to have made it another author who God used to save me, to change it so I wouldn't face the heart break, I wouldn't.
I would keep it how it is. I wouldn't change it for anything else. Because God has used it so greatly, and in the end, it was worth all the sadness.

So that was one thing I reflected on. The other, of course was my pain.
Shamefully I'll have to admit that through the last three years of having pain every day,  I haven't had the right perspective for most of it. I've had the perspective of wondering why God had allowed it.
At first I thought it had been my fault, but then I just started asking why.
So many times, more often than not, I've wanted this pain to be gone. I haven't wanted to deal with it. There are so many times that I have been in temptation to just become bitter against God for giving it to me. I have thought it's taken away my future and anything good I could ever have.
I have demanded to know the answer why for so long.
And it's only now, this year that God's changed my perspective to see why.
God has changed me in so many ways because of this, and He has shaped me into who I am. And He has taught me how to fight through each day. He has done so much.
But one of the biggest things that He has done was allow me to connect with other people through it.
While I had thought I was limited, I had the most freedom in opportunities that I never would have otherwise! And I know now, that for those opportunities I would never change a thing.
If I could take away all my pain I've had over the last three years, I wouldn't. If I could assure that I would have no pain in my future, I wouldn't change how God will have it.
Seriously. I wouldn't change a thing.
Because I realize that those opportunities are so much more than just me and my little future and my little happiness.
I think that even through these connections, I've received some of the greatest joy.
And since God has given me that connection with those few amazing people, I wouldn't want to lose that. I wouldn't change that.
I guess, in my seemingly greatest limitation, I have found one of my greatest freedoms.
And that's the freedom to connect with people who I never would have otherwise.

So as I look back upon things that have happened, I'm learning to stop questioning God on the things that happen. Everything is for a reason. He knows best. Even through the things that bring the most hurt and sorrow, I think, often times as we look back we would not change any of it. Because God has brought it all out for His Glory and for our best.
And even though my life certainly isn't how I imagined it would be once I got out of high school, I know for a fact I would not change the things that have happened, and that I am going through, for anything else.

God Bless,

Thursday, October 18, 2012

We Have Fought

"Today we have fought
Maybe not as hard as we ought
But each of us has gone onto the field
Trusting in faith that God is our shield.
We have fought the devil's lies
And to some sins we have said our final goodbyes.
We have lifted up prayers in darkest troubles
We have set our gaze upward to the Cross in fatal stumbles.
We have opened the Book of Life
To set peace above our inward strife
We have fought till we were tired and sore
At times we haven't a single break from war.
And at times it shows in our faces
How hard we've been running these races
It's showing in our eyes-
The pain of this life, but still our hope rises.
It's showing in our smile
Knowing that all is in God's Hands, even when in darkness we must wait a while.
As each day passes the war grinds and shapes us
Growing our faith and trust.
Each day we are modeled to become more like our God
Each day as the world picks up the cruel rod.
But let us take courage to know we have fought
We have done our best in our own lot.
We can ed the day knowing it was not a waste,
Not played out in careless haste
For we have fought today
Now one day less on earth we have to stay.
Tomorrow we take one more step towards eternal rest,
And tomorrow we fight as we face another test."

God Bless,

Monday, October 15, 2012


There are so many things stuck in my head. If only I could find the right words to use. I know what I want to write.  And yet holding back, unsure of the words to choose is turning out badly.
I feel myself slipping back into how I've been in the past, just not caring anymore about my life, and listening more to the lies I speak to myself.
It's just that I keep feeling that pull in my soul to just give up.
I guess writing is all I ever had in my life. Not that I'm incredible at it.

I think it's because of feeling I've never had anything to contribute the world. It's not like I'm a bright and encouraging person. In fact, I'm sure that I'm more of a discouragement to people; definitely a tool for sanctification. And I've never been like all the other girls in the church, I've never had the same good qualities. I've had none of that. I've never been good at anything, nor have I a good personality to make up the failure in one area.
I suppose in the end I could come up with a thousand reasons why I shouldn't be alive if I can't write.

Just today, I guess, I don't feel much reason to be alive. Sure, there are people I have tried to help and encourage, but that doesn't mean my efforts have worked at all.
At least there have been a few good things I've written, and God has seemed to use them. If only He would give me the words. I wish I would not feel so pointless as I do now.

There is so much that needs out. Even if I am the only one who understands. There's too much in my head, and not getting that out is making me too sad. Making me feel pointless. Which I know I am not, otherwise God wouldn't have me here. But right now I just don't feel the point, and it is sinking me into the state that I just don't care.
A terrifying place to be.
I guess I'm just praying I can write something better again. Anything.
I just don't want to be where I am right now. Today.


Wednesday, October 10, 2012


It's hard to believe it's only been three years since I've had chronic pain. It's crazy to realize how much those three years have changed my views, my perspective, how I act, and even how I move throughout the day.
For the first two years I thought it had been my fault, as if God had cursed me because of the sinful things I had gotten myself into. I thought this was my punishment. I set myself up against marriage or any chances of happiness in life; with or without getting married. I thought I had ruined not just myself mentally, but also physically.
It's sad to think upon those two years, to think of how angry and shameful I had been to think I brought it upon myself. And to see how it not only changed my views, but also changed how I lived my life. Every few months the pain would get so bad that all I could do was stay in bed for hours.
 So many times I would be depressed from the pain, from it all.
I think those were the days that got me thinking I didn't have a future. That I would be limited forever, that the pain would ruin my life.

But this year has changed it all. It wasn't because the pain randomly went away, it's because it stayed. It's because it got worse, and I had to learn to work through it.This year has been the hardest year of my life, but the best year, simply for the work God has done in my life.
And it's the power of perspective that changes everything.
I never realized how important perspective was until this year. I realized that for the first time it changes everything.
Over the last few months I have been hopeful about going to UCLA to see some specialists, I remained hopeful until the day after that appointment. My hope wasn't dashed because they had told me it was all in my head, or that I was totally fine. No, they think they found out what was wrong, and have worked on lessening the pain. But it was the days that followed that all of my past fears came racing back to me.
Those fears that had bits of truth to them. That reminded me that I may still never get fully better, that I might have to live with pain. Bits of truth that reminded me that the pain wasn't just staying at the same level, as time goes on it keeps getting worse. Truth that reminds me of how it has effected not only my sleeping, but now my walking too.
And of course, the biggest of all fears I have had with this pain was the one that I had no future.

Last week I fell in how I viewed my pain and my life. I stumbled and decided to see my life through the world's lenses. I saw myself how I used to. Not being able to  do what I wanted with my life. Being useless in every which way I could come up with. Through those lenses I saw a wasted life, all because of this pain.
And yet, before I could dwell on these thoughts too deeply, it was as if God ripped those lenses off and showed me truth.
How these long three years have been so hard, and have changed me so much, how I wished at times that God would take this pain away. How I do hope for a relief in this life from this pain.
But looking back, I know if God had given me the option to never have had this pain, I would have let the pain stay.
Because what I've learned this year has been so powerful. It was the power of perspective. To not only realize that my life is all His to do whatever He pleases, and that He's given me this thorn out of love, but to realize that though I may end up being "limited" in the world's eyes, my opportunities are all the more boundless.
Through this pain God has given me incredibly opportunities to reach out to people who I'd never have reached before, and for even that alone it has been worth it.
Because if this is the way God's chosen to use me in a few people's lives, then I'm all for it. That's all that matters. My life is His. And through Him this life will not be a waste.
Through Him this life cannot be bound, through Him there is not such limit as there is in the world's eyes.
If He has this pain stay, and continue all my days till I go Home then what more opportunities I will be blessed with. What more matters when we are on this earth than to bring Glory to His Name?
What worth this life is when I view it through an eternal perspective.
I know with all my heart that I would leave those three years how they are, and I pray so earnestly that with all my heart I'll submit to whatever God does through me to bring Him glory. Whether that is staying in pain or not.

So this year I've learned much about perspective, more than I ever thought even existed. God has changed my views and my heart. Now to remind myself to not look through the world's lenses, but to view my circumstances and future through God. Knowing that I wouldn't have changed these last three years for a pain free life. Because through Christ, there is no limit.

God Bless,