Thursday, June 13, 2013

There Will Always Be Someone



There have been many days in my life where I've considered suicide or self-harm. Dark thoughts towards myself have played in the back of my mind. They've given me reason after reason to leave this earth; they have plagued my mind for years. But I've not given in just yet.
And while I have struggled with depression for most of my life as a Christian, these suicidal thoughts are not foreign to me. I suppose you could call it a "curse", but even through it all I've had many opportunities to learn how to deal with it all and help others through it.
I know I am learning slowly about how to deal with these thoughts. But as of late, I've learned something new.

As time goes on, the more I have felt useless to everyone. I stopped writing a few months ago when my health was too bad to focus. I've not known quite what to do ever since. I've felt like all I am is a burden to the people I know, and troublesome to my family. I've always thought the world would be better off without me. I have never been that popular amongst the people I know. No one would have trouble moving on, they would be over it within the year.
And while I still feel I might be right about all of the above, I've come to realize that I'm not right about the last bit. 
I've noticed that many people who deal with suicidal thoughts tend to think that no one cares that much and that they'll just be forgotten, merely a foggy memory.
But the more I've come to deal with depression and the like, I've come to realize that there is always someone who cares. There will always be someone who will still visit your grave many years later and still think of you. There will always be that one person who won't just "move on" within a year, there will always be someone who will feel somewhat responsible over your death. And they will carry that burden with them to their own graves. All you will be doing is passing on the pain and grief you suffer to those you leave behind.

I understand that often it is hard to see who really does care. Often times it's hard to see things the right way when your mind is plagued with suicidal thoughts. I entirely understand that. It is hard to see. But I can guarantee you that there is always someone. Maybe there aren't always a lot of people at times. But there is always someone who cares that much. And who would be completely and utterly devastated over your death. There will always be that one person who will feel responsible and will struggle to forgive himself/herself. There will always be that one person who will have loved you more than you could ever know.
And when there is nothing left that you feel is keeping you here, or when you feel useless and a burden to your family, remember that there is someone out there who cares. And I'm sure while you read this you can see their face in your head.
Because while there feels like there is nothing left for you here but trouble, think of them and don't hurt yourself. Suicide isn't freeing yourself from grief and pain. It is simply passing it on to the people you know once you're dead.


God Bless,
  A.W.

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