Monday, July 22, 2013

Thoughts From Year Five: Home

I have finally entered into living my 5th year with Chronic Pain. So since I passed my anniversary of having chronic pain, I've decided to write a quick blog post about trials and pain. So here we are.

I don't see myself having a bright future. Nor do I see life turning out in a way that I'd want it to. As the pessimist I am, I've let my trials dictate the future I'll have. I figure it will all go wrong; especially if my pain stays here forever, and I will have to deal with it forever. Which will definitely be a hindrance and cause conflict.
Of course, I don't usually think that there's something wrong with thinking you'll have a bleak future, but tonight while going back and highlighting some quotes in a C.H. Spurgeon book I've been reading, I realized how many were just on trials and heaven.
This one stood out to me in particular,

"We do not know what will happen to us between this and heaven, but we can easily prognosticate the aim and result of all that will occur. We are harps which will be tuned in all their strings for the concerts of the blessed. The tuner is putting us in order. He sweeps His hands along the strings; there is a jar from every note; so He begins first with one string, and then goes to another. He continues at each string till He hears the exact note. The last time you were ill, one of your strings was tuned; the last time you had a bad debt, or trembled at declining business, another string was tuned. And so, between now and heaven, you will have every string set in order; and you will not enter Heaven till all are in tune. Did you ever go to a place where they make pianos, and expect to hear sweet music? The tuning-room is enough to drive a man mad, and in factory you hear the screeching of saws and the noise of hammers, and you say, "I thought this was a place where they made pianos." Yes, so it is, but it is not the place where they play them. On earth is the place where God makes musical instruments, and tunes them, and between down and heaven He will put all that is within them into fit condition for blessing and praising His name eternally."

That really struck me. What a way it is to look at trials as the thing preparing you for Home. When I think of the future I think of it in a pessimistic slant. And I realize that while things might end up awful for me one day, that isn't my only future. My future is Heaven.
All of these trials will just be preparing me for Home. I might have a horrible future here on earth, but it's only preparing me for my Brightest future-Heaven.
And to me, that is something to wake up another day for.

"What joy when altogether the jewels shall be put into the casket! Think of what they shall be gathered from! From poverty, from sickness, from beds of dust and silent clay they shall be gathered; from slander and rebuke, from persecution, and from suffering, from the lion's jaws, and from the flames they should be gathered, ten thousand times ten thousand of them, from sin and suffering to sin and suffer no more." -C.H. Spurgeon

God Bless,

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

When We Think We Are Strong

"I'm free, I'm free, I did dare to think,
I'm not, I'm not, I realized as I began to sink.
I once stood victorious on my sins,
Keeping track of all my wins.
I thought the worst was behind me
But little did I see.
When I thought I was firm and strong,
I didn't realize I was in danger of any wrong.
But by the time I fell it was all too late,
I was already committed to my awful fate.
I fell hard and low,
And my foolishness did show
There was no redeeming thing I could do,
And suddenly my self-righteous spirit I knew.
There was no reason for Him to let me live,
And yet His Mercy, He still yearned to give
Right when I stood strong and tall,
I experienced my greatest fall.
Yet He paid for these self-righteous sins on that Cross
And to make up for His sacrifice I am at a loss
By my arrogance I was deceived,
And after my fall, in the arms of forgiveness I was received.
For what good can I do alone,
When it is only by God's Grace that I have ever grown?"

God Bless,

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Just Take A Mask

"'Be happy, be happy
When life is nothing but crappy
Just smile, just smile
Even when your trials stay awhile.'
The world says as they hand out masks,
Giving you instruction to complete your tasks.
'Pretend, pretend
From now on, for yourself you must fend.
Lie, lie,
Even when you feel as you could die.'
The world says as they hand out masks,
Preparing you for your tasks.
'Hide, hide,
No one can understand the tears you've cried.
Be perfect, be perfect,
Their approval will be worth it.
For the bar will be high
But you must not question why
You must put on a mask and take whatever comes your way,
Is what your instructions say.
You must smile and be happy
Pretend life is all but crappy.'
Says the world as they hand out their masks,
To each boy and girl, given such a heavy task."

God Bless,

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Thoughts From Year Four: Quotes For The Weary

After this month I will be going into the 5th year of my life with chronic pain.
This post might be the last of year 4, so I've decided to put together some quotes that I've found inspiring and comforting about suffering over the last year or so. Some of them might be long, but well worth your time. So here we go.

"But when the trial comes, then expect to have delight with it; for our troubles are generally proportioned in our joys, and joys are usually proportioned to our troubles. The more bitter the vessel of grief, the sweeter the cup of consolation; the heavier the weight of trial here, the brighter the crown of glory hereafter." --C.H. Spurgeon

"The furnace is a good place for you, Christian; it benefits you; it helps you become more like Christ, and it is fitting you for heaven. The more furnace-work you have the sooner you will get home; for God will not keep you long out of heaven when you are fit for it. When all the dross is burned, and the tin is gone, he will say, 'Bring hither that wedge of gold; I do not keep my pure gold on earth. I will put it away with my crown of jewels in the secret place of my tabernacle of heaven.'"  --C.H. Spurgeon

"The more trials the more bliss, the more sufferings the more ecstasies , the more depression the higher the exaltation. Thus we shall gain more of heaven by the sufferings we shall pass through here below. Let us not then, my brethren, fear to advance through our trials: they are for our good; to stop here awhile is for our benefit. Why! we should not know how to converse in heaven if we had not a few trials and hardships to tell of, and some tales of delivering grace to repeat with joy." -C.H. Spurgeon

"First, let me say to you, my brethren, it is necessary that you should have an 'although' in your lot, because if you had not, you know what you would do; you would build a very downy nest on earth, and there you would lie down in sleep; so God puts a thorn in your nest in order that you might sing. It is said by the old writers, that the nightingale never sang so sweetly as when she sang among the thorns, since they say, the thorns prick her breast, and remind her of her song. So it may be with you. Ye, like the larks, would sleep in your nest, did not some trouble pass by and affright you; then you stretch your wings, and caroling the martin song, rise to greet the sun. Trials are sent to wean you from the world; bitters are put into your drink that you may learn to live upon the dew of heaven; the food of earth is mingled with gall, that ye may only seek for true bread in the manna which droppeth from the sky. Your soul without trouble would be as the sea if it were without tide or motion; it would become foul and obnoxious. As Coleridge describes the sea after a wondrous calm, so would the soul breed contagion and death." --C.H. Spurgeon

"Some, without doubt, have a larger cup of sorrow to drink than others. But few are to be found who live long without sorrows or cares of some sort or another. Our bodies, our poverty, our families, our children, our relations, our servants, our friends, our neighbors, our worldly callings,--each and all of these are fountains of care. Sicknesses, deaths, losses, disappointments, partings, separations, ingratitude, slander,--all these are common things. We cannot get through life without the. Some day or other they find us out. The greater are our affections, the deeper are our afflictions; and the more we love, the more we have to weep." --J.C. Ryle

"Sufferings may somewhat pain and wear thee, but they will quicken thee God-ward, and sharpen thine appetite after spiritual things." --George Swinnock.

"Trials teach us who we are; they dig up the soil and let us see what we are made of." - C.H.Spurgeon

"As sure as God puts His children in the furnace He will be in the furnace with them." -C.H. Spurgeon

 "The flowers smell sweetest after a shower; vines bear the better for bleeding; the walnut-tree is more fruitful when most beaten. Saints spring and thrive most internally when they are most externally afflicted. Afflictions are called by some 'the mother of virtue.'...God's house of correction is His school of instruction . All the stones that came about Stephen's ears did but knock him closer to Christ, the corner-stone. The waves did but lift Noah's ark nearer to heaven; and the higher the waters grew, the more near the ark lifted to heaven. Afflictions do lift up the soul to more rich, clear, and full enjoyments of God." -Thomas Brooks

God Bless,

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Spiritual Helps

"Eternal Father,
It is amazing love,
   that thou hast sent thy Son to suffer in my stead,
   that thou hast added the Spirit to teach, comfort, guide,
   that thou hast allowed the ministry of angels
               to wall me round;
All heaven subserves the welfare of a poor worm.
Permit thy unseen servants to be ever active on my behalf,
   and to rejoice when grace expands in me.
Suffer them never to rest until my conflict is over,
   and I stand victoriously on salvation's shore.
Grant that my proneness to evil, deadness to good,
   resistance to thy Spirit's motions,
   may never provoke thee to abandon me.
May my hard heart awake thy pity, not thy wrath,
And if the enemy gets an advantage through my corruption,
   let it be seen that heaven is mightier than hell,
   that those for me are greater than those against me.
Arise to my help in richness of covenant blessings,
Keep me feeding in the pastures of thy strengthening Word,
   searching Scripture to find thee there.
In my waywardness is visited with a scourge,
   enable me to receive correction meekly,
      to bless the reproving hand,
      to discern the motive of rebuke,
      to respond promptly, and do the first work.
Let all my fatherly dealings make me a partaker of thy holiness.
Grant that in every fall I may sink lower on my knees,
  and that when I rise it may be to loftier heights of devotion.
May my every cross be sanctified,
    every loss be gain,
    every denial a spiritual advantage,
    every dark day a light of the Holy Spirit,
    every night of trial a song."

--The Valley of Vision

Thursday, June 13, 2013

There Will Always Be Someone

There have been many days in my life where I've considered suicide or self-harm. Dark thoughts towards myself have played in the back of my mind. They've given me reason after reason to leave this earth; they have plagued my mind for years. But I've not given in just yet.
And while I have struggled with depression for most of my life as a Christian, these suicidal thoughts are not foreign to me. I suppose you could call it a "curse", but even through it all I've had many opportunities to learn how to deal with it all and help others through it.
I know I am learning slowly about how to deal with these thoughts. But as of late, I've learned something new.

As time goes on, the more I have felt useless to everyone. I stopped writing a few months ago when my health was too bad to focus. I've not known quite what to do ever since. I've felt like all I am is a burden to the people I know, and troublesome to my family. I've always thought the world would be better off without me. I have never been that popular amongst the people I know. No one would have trouble moving on, they would be over it within the year.
And while I still feel I might be right about all of the above, I've come to realize that I'm not right about the last bit. 
I've noticed that many people who deal with suicidal thoughts tend to think that no one cares that much and that they'll just be forgotten, merely a foggy memory.
But the more I've come to deal with depression and the like, I've come to realize that there is always someone who cares. There will always be someone who will still visit your grave many years later and still think of you. There will always be that one person who won't just "move on" within a year, there will always be someone who will feel somewhat responsible over your death. And they will carry that burden with them to their own graves. All you will be doing is passing on the pain and grief you suffer to those you leave behind.

I understand that often it is hard to see who really does care. Often times it's hard to see things the right way when your mind is plagued with suicidal thoughts. I entirely understand that. It is hard to see. But I can guarantee you that there is always someone. Maybe there aren't always a lot of people at times. But there is always someone who cares that much. And who would be completely and utterly devastated over your death. There will always be that one person who will feel responsible and will struggle to forgive himself/herself. There will always be that one person who will have loved you more than you could ever know.
And when there is nothing left that you feel is keeping you here, or when you feel useless and a burden to your family, remember that there is someone out there who cares. And I'm sure while you read this you can see their face in your head.
Because while there feels like there is nothing left for you here but trouble, think of them and don't hurt yourself. Suicide isn't freeing yourself from grief and pain. It is simply passing it on to the people you know once you're dead.

God Bless,

Sunday, April 14, 2013

In That Happy Place

I hear day in and day out from the internet alone that while you are alive you should be doing things that make you happy. You should stop wasting time on people who don't care. You should be forget those who've hurt you and move on with your life.
To the world, this life is all about being in a happy place.
It's all about enjoying life and living to the fullest.
It has been burned into even our minds that we need to be in a happy place to live to the fullest.
Which is complete and utter crap.

There's so much wrong with that perspective on life.
For a first:
If I were to take the world's advice, I'd stop praying for all the people on my heart. I'd grow bitter and harsh towards the people who've done me wrong over the years. I'd forget all of the imperfect relationships I have with people. I'd forget all of the people whose memory burns alive in the worst of memories. I'd become all the more selfish and become a monster towards anyone who had problems with me.
In the world's view, I'd have to let go of anything that has even made me sad.

And not only is that perspective intertwined with selfishness, but it's also combined with the lie that the only way to live to the fullest is to be happy in life.
There have been plenty of saints who have been bright lights for Christ and have lived to their fullest, even though they lived in a very dark time. There have been many a Christians in great discomfort over sicknesses and pains who have proven to be happier when their trials were darkest.
Having the house you want, with your dream job, with your dream spouse, in your dream state doesn't always mean you will be happy and live to your fullest.
You don't have to be in a happy place, where everything is perfect to live your fullest.
While I agree that in life, we should live our fullest, to the greatest capacity, I don't think think this life is about finding that happy place where everything is fine.
Our greatest moments of joy are often found in our greatest trials.

And while I wish to see my friend's in a "happy" place, I don't say it in terms of having no strife. Because without trials we will have no reason to cling onto Jesus. And with no need for Jesus who is the core of our joy in life; we have nothing at all. So I wish my friends well and that they will live to the fullest, through their Saviour Jesus Christ.

In summary I suppose what I am trying to say is that while the world glorifies this "happy place" of the perfect life, with no sickness or pain, it is not always the best life where you will live to the fullest.
Often it is in our darkest times that we are happiest of all.

God Bless,

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Relapses and Recovery

My life feels like a series of relapses and recoveries.
Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
Life was okay up until 2008 shook my world from it's very roots and God saved me.
A year later I was slipping into addiction and didn't even know it. And from that addiction, my struggle with depression began.
In 2010 my health began going down when my chronic pain started.
For all these years I've been battling addiction, depression, and my health.
And finally, as I sit here writing this blog post in 2013, I've been totally freed from my chains of addiction, and on the very slow road to recovery physically.
My depression has been on and off over the last few years. But it's waves have gotten stronger and darker as time's gone by.
And though my addiction is gone, I still suffer from the mental and emotional scars it leaves, that still require years and years of healing. I am still recovering from that dark time, and haven't suffered any relapses from that, by the Grace of God.
But my health on the other hand has suffered through many relapses. Relapses in which I am most vulnerable to depression.
For the longest time I thought depression was just something I'd outgrow. And perhaps the depressing and suicidal thoughts will vanish entirely, but there are still traces of them here and there.
I was doing okay, keeping afloat until last summer hit and my health went the worst it ever had been and stayed that way. Depression hit again in a tidal wave and everything stopped.
My writing stopped. My close ties with friends seemed to whither. My reading stopped. To me, that was everything my life consisted of. All seemed to stop but work.
All because of my poor health and the depression I had sunk in.
Since then my health has had a lot of ups and downs. Many relapses on the road to recovery. And the depression has been on and off.
I've not gotten back to normal yet. Reading and writing haven't been the same.

All this to say is that my life seems to be made up with recoveries and relapses. It seems like there is no end. That there is no "outgrowing" my depressions. That there is no getting to be feeling 100 percent physically like most people I know.
I know that there are some things that will always leave scars on your life, emotionally or spiritually. There are some things that will follow you to the grave.
My health may never be 100%, and that could very well follow me to the grave. The bad perspectives and emotional scars that my addiction left behind might follow me for the rest of my life. The dark waves of depression might follow me to my death bed.
It is weird to think of my life in terms of relapses and recovery.
But perhaps that is what it's always going to be.
I know my life will never be the way it was before. I know there will always be scars.
And deep inside I think I know there will always be relapses on this long road to recovery.
And you know what?
That's okay.

God Bless,

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Lies The Devil Spins

"This is why, this is why
Whispers the devil as I cry
This is why your future will never go right
His words fill me with fright.
You'll push people away for good
Even the ones who'd stay if they could
All who matter now, you'll lose
You'll learn to scar and bruise.
You'll understand what you've lose once it's gone
And yet you'll have always knows it's wrong
You'll bring the best people down
All you'll ever earn is a shameful frown
You'll grow up alone and old
You'll grow up bitter and cold
You'll have no one in the end
At your death bed there will be not one friend.
Least that's all the devil keeps saying
And still my future keeps on greying.
My future is flooded in doubt
The more I keep worrying about.
The more I play scenes over in my head,
Make me believe all the devil said.
He tells me the consequences of my flaws
He shows me that I'm growing sharp claws"

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Thoughts From Year Four: Dying To Self

"When you are forgotten or neglected or purposely set at naught, and you sting and hurt with the insult or the oversight, but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ--that is dying to self. When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advise disregarded, your opinions ridiculed and you refuse to let your anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take it all in patient loving silence--that is dying to self. When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, or any annoyance; when you can stand face to face with waste, folly, extravagance, spiritual insensibility, and endure as Jesus endured it--that is dying to self. When you are content with any food, any offering, any raiment, any climate, any society, any attitude, any interruption by the Will of God--that is dying to self. When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good works, or itch after commendation; when you can truly love to be unknown--that is dying to self. When you see your brother prosper and have his needs met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy nor question God, while in your own needs are far greater in desperate circumstances--that is dying to self. When you can receive correction well outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart--that is dying to self." --Unknown

This quote applies to ANY situation. But in my current situation, I think of it as in terms of my pain.
I wouldn't think that dying to self would apply to my health issues before I read this quote. But the depth that it goes in explaining WHAT dying to self really is reminds me that it really does apply to my situation.
There have been many times where my pain, and my suffering has been forgotten. There have been many times where the closest of friends have forgotten about it. I usually didn't let it bother me. I mean, if you saw me in person, even if you saw me every day, you'd never know I was hurting. It doesn't usually show on my face. And I used to never talk about it with anyone. So of course the few people who knew would forget. And I never blamed them.
The only time when I was put off by people forgetting me was when I looked at other people.
Whenever someone gets just a cold or something that passes within a few weeks, others would always be more caring and understanding towards that person. The people who just get a cold are not so easily forgotten as the ones who have had health issues for a long period of time.
That used to really get me. And sometimes still does.
Of course, this world and society is unfair in things.
They cater to people who don't "need" it anymore and forget the people who have real needs. Perhaps this is me knowing too many people who have health issues and who are often forgotten.
But I have to remind myself that this is part of dying to self. Being forgotten is dying to self.

It is this quote, which was written above
" When you see your brother prosper and have his needs met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy nor question God, while in your own needs are far greater in desperate circumstances--that is dying to self." That really strikes me every time.
I have learned to deal with being forgotten and have learned to rejoice in it. I'm far from perfect in it, and sometimes it still bothers me. But I've learned that it's okay not to be doesn't matter who sees you and thinks "oh, they're really tough to still come to work since they're hurting really bad". No one is ever going to think that, because no one will ever understand. And you know what? That's okay. You don't have to have people who are always there. People will forget you and that's okay. Humans are far from perfect.
What matters is that God sees you. And He fully Understands what you are feeling and going through. No one else has to. He approves that you are trying your best to work through your health issues. To your Heavenly Father you will never be forgotten.
He sees you when you realize you've been forgotten. He sees you when you are suffering. He knows. He remembers. And He cares.
And in the end, that's all that really matters.
There is no guarantee that people will remember your suffering and needs. Often times we are forgotten. And God doesn't call us to be bitter over it. But He calls us to die to self through it.

 God Bless,

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Each And Every Day

"I am setting sail today
Dark skies tainted in gray.
I can feel my boat on unsteady waters,
As it rocks and totters
I know the strong current will soon be rippling underneath
And I know I must keep calm and breath
I can smell the rain
I can anticipate the pain
I can hear the booming thunder above
But I know it's only the shout of love.
Afar I look at the waves building up towards me
And I wonder how many more storms there will be.
I know I could sigh and cry over these long days
I know I could curse the heavens as this storm stays.
But I must not look at the waves
Because this is the storm I must daily brave
And when these waves become overwhelming for too long
Upward I will look to Him who is strong
When the rain begins to fall
Upward to my Salvation I will call
When the water pours into my small boat
Upward I will look to Him who keeps it afloat.
For my Salvation is greater than every storm
My Salvation is the One who keeps me alive and warm
And as I lay down weary and wet to rest
I will never cease to feel completely blessed.
For in this storm I am not alone
Each and every day my Salvation comes down from the Holy Throne."

God Bless, 

Friday, February 15, 2013

Some Nights Never Leave You

It's hard to believe it's been almost 5 years since my sister ran away from home.
It is never easy to think of that morning. 5 years later and that memory still never ceases to make tears come into my eyes.
I have always hated that I was the one to wake up at 4 AM and see my sister sneaking out of my room.
Sometimes I wish I had not been such a selfish little girl. The only reason I had stayed up watching her through the mirror's reflection was because I thought she was taking my brush somewhere.
I never thought she was leaving leaving.
I can see her form so clearly in my mind, gathering her things in the bathroom.
And when she left the room to put things into her car I ran out.
My heart was racing.
I was so afraid.
My sister was leaving and I had caught her.
I remember telling my parents that my sister was leaving and they scrambled out of bed.
Before I knew it we were downstairs.
My dad sat in his chair with his computer, his face solemn.
I sat nervously on the couch.
My sister returned and didn't talk to us.
Dad asked questions about what she was doing.
Where she was going.
She didn't answer many.
Dad let her leave
I went into my room.
I cried so hard that night.
My mum told me to sleep that night.
But all I know is that it took a long, long time to finally cry myself to sleep.

It's five years later and these are the flashes of memories that still haunt me. These are the memories that still keep me awake and crying on the hard nights along with every other bad memory with my sister and sister-in-laws. Which happen to be more than with anyone else in the world.
Tears still fill my eyes when I think of her.
And five years later I realize that some nights never leave you.

God Bless,

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Memories of the Sister I Once Thought I Had

"There she is again
Simply the shadow of an old friend
Watching, unaware of the memories she's making
Lurking, oblivious to the memories she's tainting.
She's there in the good and the bad
Comforting us when we were sad.
She's there when we were happy,
Laughing when times were all but crappy.
And at last she was there to break our hearts
In the end she only teared us apart.
Now for years she's been gone
Leaving us wondering what went wrong
But here she stays imbedded in my mind
Much too easy to find.

If only these were things I could erase
And these memories were left without a trace.
If only the ones we loved the most
Were not the ones who made us too ashamed to boast.
If only the ones we missed the most
were the ones who held us close
If only the ones who hurt us and made us last
Aren't just faceless ghosts buried in our past
If only we could push them away
If only they would not stay."

God Bless,

Monday, January 21, 2013

Thoughts From Year Four

 One of the biggest things I am regretting and that I am ashamed of is how I have dealt with my chronic pain. I have been so ashamed to look back and realize how poorly I have handled my situation.
This is my fourth year of being in pain a different level of pain every day. And this is the beginning of a full year that I have finally gained the right perspective on my pain.
It makes me ashamed to think that for the first two and a half years of my chronic pain, I had a horrible perspective. I let myself be hardened towards views that effect me even today. But what gets to me most of all was the fact of how long it took me to get to the right perspective. Two and a half years. That was over half of my time having chronic pain.

I started out thinking that it was something I had brought upon myself. That somehow it had come out as a consequence of my addiction. I was ignorant and thought I had the ability to screw myself up in a way that could never be fixed. I thought that God Himself had cursed me. I literally thought He hated me and had cursed me with a pain that had come out of my addiction. I don't remember distinctly, hearing sermons or reading books on suffering through trials. I know If I ever did, I surely thought that it was hard to rejoice when God Himself has cursed you. I couldn't bring myself to rejoice in anything of the sort. I was miserable, and too ashamed to tell anyone.

And once I finally told people I started believing that it wasn't God cursing me, it was just my fault. I hated myself. I led myself into believing I had no future. And in telling that to myself; I gained hard views towards things like marriage and having children. I wanted to hate myself for ever wanting anything of the sort. It was in that period in time that I gained horrible views. The ones  I still struggle with today.

When I was coming out of that a bit more I know there was a brief time I would shake my fists at God. When the Doctors said it wasn't anything that I had done, and that it was random and they didn't know what was wrong. And when they told me it was all in my head. For that brief time in my life I was angry that I was in a situation like that. I was. To my deepest shame I was.

Once I had repented of being angry at my God, I decided that I wasn't meant to be happy with things on earth. I was meant to only find my happiness in Christ and Him alone. And I was given and unsolvable pain that I had to use as a tool for writing to help others. I thought that I'd die young and that I wasn't meant to enjoy life here. "All Work and No Play" definitely would have been my motto!
And even at this point I had pushed away any hope of a future, still in a way, maintaining the bad views I had gained before.

And it was only this last year that God really gave me the right view I think it is. It was over last year that God softened my heart on my bad views. And in that last year I realized that God wants me to actually enjoy Him and enjoy where He has put me, and in whatever situation I am. Even when I'm not feeling as good at 96%.  And I realized last year that He gave me pain because it was what was best, and He did what was best because He loves me. Not because I was cursed or anything of the sort. And this is where it's left today.

Over the last few months, going to therapy, God's given me some days that I never deserved. Not entirely without pain, but without much. Which is incredible as it is.
I am so loved By God, and I don't deserve any of it. As I look back I see my errors. To my deepest shame I wish I could have done it differently. My hope to all people who are starting out with health issues that no one knows what's wrong is that they wouldn't go through the emotional/mental process I did of having the wrong perspective. The wrong perspective can be killer.
I am ashamed to look back. But at the same time feel so loved by my Gracious Heavenly Father.

God Bless,

Thursday, January 17, 2013

A Few Thoughts On The Internet

There are many false ideas that people have about the internet. Often times they think if you make a friend online they are going to ask to meet up with you and then kill you. They only think creepers inhabit the internet; and it's a dangerous place to be.
And more often than not, if one spends a decent amount of time on the internet each day; it's considered a waste of time. Many people don't understand how much benefit we can get from the internet.
I think many adults have not adapted well to the internet; because a lot of them always bring up negative things and say it's all a waste.
I'd disagree of course. As a writer I'd disagree.
Because as a writer I need inspiration; and there are websites that spark that in me. I use those to give me inspiration. And not only is the internet for my inspiration, but it is also where my opportunities are.
The internet has a horrible reputation of only having "fake" people on it, who just want attention. But I strongly disagree. While there are a fair amount of creepers and "fakers" on websites; the internet has always been the safest place for young people to open up and share their heart with others.
And no, I'm not talking about Facebook, I'm talking about forums where their identity is hidden behind a username where no one could possibly find them.
I have discovered over the last few years that my opportunities have been all the more great on the internet. For a person who hasn't many places in life to help people, the internet is a vast and needy place to be a light. I have gotten so many opportunities over the last few years on various websites, and through them have made the closest friends.
I post my writing on forums in hopes that God will use it; and so far He has a wee bit. You might never know what opportunities you might have until you put yourself out there. And daring to be open is worth that risk.
So I don't think that the internet is all just one big waste, it is the place where opportunities are vast. And you will never really understand that until you dare to put yourself out there.
You might never know what you are missing if you never take a chance.

God Bless,

Wednesday, January 9, 2013


"I say with grief that there are too many of us
I say there are too many chained to hate and lust.
There are too many struggling in the dark
There are too many who bear these red marks.
They hide them with bracelets and bands
What they themselves have done with shaking hands.
They know not what pain they bring
They know not how their actions sting.
They know not what damage to family they can do
And how blinded by their chains they are too.
They tell their friends great lies
Assuming that no one will understand their cries.
They understand not what they'll be leaving
They know not how their families will be grieving.
They know not what deep scars they'll make
They know not how many pieces of broken hearts they'll take.
They think their safe haven will be in the grave,
Because they know not who has the power to Save.
But to the world and themselves they are at loss,
Not knowing that their only Hope is in the Cross."

God Bless