Discernment

"No one cares if a man is right or wrong,
No one cares if a man is weak or strong.
No one cares to even be right
They'd rather stay in the darkness of night.
It is the plain truth that they doubt
It is the Scriptures they don't care about.
In comforting lies they place their trust,
And fall into pits as deadly as lust.
They lift the lies up to be so grand,
And shoot down those who dare to stand.
They suck in what they are told
And listen to the wolves who are bold.
They look to the preachers who are "hip" and "cool"
And call anyone who disagrees an ignorant fool.
They don't care what God's Word has to say
They let all areas turn to shades of grey.
People have stopped discerning the right from wrong
They've stopped caring if the teaching is weak or strong.
They're willingly led astray
Ending up too far away.
And yet, so few dare to stand
Too afraid of these lies, built up so grand."

God Bless,
  A.W.

My Christmas List

"On this Christmas list there are one too many things
Being only what miracles of grace could bring.
I would not ask for myself,
But I'd ask for a good friend's health.
I'd ask for the pain and sickness to be gone
So that my dearest friends would not suffer long.
I'd ask for a job and a place to live for a friend
When on his own, for himself, he must fend.
I'd ask for a friend's depression to be ripped away
Replaced by marvelous light and comfort that would always stay.
I'd ask for the salvation of those I hold dear
That my loving Father might bring them near.
I'd ask for the pastors I know to find a place
Where the people will listen and not act in great haste.
I'd ask for comfort for those who've suffered great loss
So that the waves might calm and stop in mid-toss.
I'd ask for provision and food to feed
So that my friend and her children would have all they need.

Oh, of all the things I would pray for
I cannot help but remember that I'm so poor.
What power have I to change a life
Or to take away a person's worldly strife?
Though I cannot change a thing
There is a certain hope that Jesus brings.
I know that through those trials He is at work
And isn't watching down on us just as a lurk.
And though my heart breaks for those I hold dear
I know this is what's best and that to them, God is near.
So if I must change my Christmas list
Then let me settle at this
For all the Christians I know
That through their storms they might grow.
And that those who are lost
Might look upward to the Cross.
I pray these things will come true
And that in the next year they can start new.
I pray about what this Christmas brings
I pray is it built out of extraordinary things."

God Bless,
 A.W.

A Letter For My Sister

"It's been a few months since I've seen your face
It's been a few months since you've left in great haste.
It's hard to think of last Christmas that's now so bittersweet
It's hard to remember that we might never again meet.
And now it's hard to feel the Christmas cheer
When my eyes are to the brim with tears.
It's hard to smile at those Christmas lights
When they make me think of all those painful nights.
It's hard to know you won't be here this year
It's hard to know you'd hate to even be near.
It hurts to remember all the pain you've brought
And all the sadness you've thrown in our lot.
In light of that, I should not be feeling this way
I myself should not be thrown in such dismay.
But I miss you all the same.
So call me pathetic, call me lame.
I love you how I always will
And I continue to pray for you still.
My heart will always break for you
How I pray God will open your eyes to what's true.
I hope you are gone only for a little while
Because right now it's hard to be happy and smile.
So I wonder where you'll be on Christmas Eve
I hope I can see you before I leave.
Either way I pray I'll meet you one day in the skies
Where I'll see you washed from all filthy lies
I hope we'll be Home together in the end
I hope one day we can be friends.
But today I cannot think of Christmas without tears
It's hard to be filled with Christmas cheers.
But I pray God will save you
I pray you will see what's true."

Now I wrote this poem for my sister who has done much damage to my family. It's everything I've ever wanted to say to her for the last few months. I needed it out, though she may never read it...I needed it out, so maybe when I go to church and they talk about Christmas, tears won't come to my eyes anymore. I needed it out so that I don't have to cry when I think of Christmas.
Though...knowing how I am, I probably still will. But it is nice to have it all out in one form at the very least.

And yet, as sad as Christmas can make me feel, in light of my sister not being here. I also feel hopeful in a way. Hopeful to remember why we celebrate Christmas.
We celebrate Christmas, for the birth of Christ. Christ who was sent into the world to die for sinners, for our sins. That is hope. That is the comfort that Christmas is giving me this year.
I don't know who is to be saved in the end, but perhaps my sister will be saved in the end. I hope and pray she will. I guess if it were any holiday that made me think of my sister, I would like it to be Christmas. Because while I hurt, at least I can be reminded of the hope of salvation.
At least, I have hope and prayer, if nothing else.

God Bless,
A.W.

He Is Still Loving Me

"I don't understand why God would give me an answer
When I know that I deserve something even worse than cancer.
I don't understand how there could be a yes
When I know I deserve so much less.
I don't understand why He'd give me rest
Considering how poorly I've done on the test.
I don't understand why He'd set me free
When I know so many, more worthier than me.
I can't comprehend even the little streams of light
Piercing through the clouds dark as night.
I can't recall the last day I felt the light on my skin
All I remember are these raindrops pouring down my chin.
I can't imagine these clouds going away
And yet, I've come to peace if they forever stay.
And I know I will never understand that love
That always comes crashing down from above
Taking the form of rain or shine
Tainting each part of my story, in every line.
In the end, I don't understand why He'd ever say yes
As it is, from this rain, I am already so blessed."

This Christmas

In light of last Christmas, I should not be looking forward to this Christmas in any way.
Christmas of 2011 was the worst Christmas I've ever had.
It was the worst Christmas because of the deep depression I was in. It was the worst Christmas because two of the causes of my depression were as present as ever.
For both Christmas Eve and Christmas day, I had to be with a person who always ignored me and never really seemed to care. It was that person that motivated me to start writing quotes to keep me going on my wrist each day. It was that person that God so used to help me deal with rejection. 
And it was that person that made me cry that Christmas Eve. It was that person that made me realize how dangerous it could be to drive when you're emotional.
It was hard to be with that person on such a holiday.
But that was not the only person who made it hard.
One of my closest friends who I had made over that year had ditched our friendship not long ago decided he'd talk to me again.
I never had the guts to say how I felt about what that friend had done, and how from that it made me fall into such a depression I was in. Nor did I have the courage to shut up and never speak to that friend again. So I talked to that old friend; it felt just like it used to, as if we hadn't stopped talking for months. But I knew as I continued our conversation that it was all just a tease to the hope of a friendship again. That was what hurt.
Last Christmas, I was visited by all the things that had made me fall into the depression I was in. The depression that made me sleep all day and stop eating.

Those were the biggest thing that made last Christmas a horrible experience. The best thing about last Christmas was that I  got to spend time with my sister.
My sister who had given our family so much conflict and heart ache. My sister who never really liked me. My sister who had been everyone's favorite. My sister who I had caught at 4 am running away from home. My sister who had finally decided she wanted to have a relationship with us.
She was the best part of that Christmas. Seeing her, talking to her, spending time with her was the best part of my Christmas. Praying that God might save her, hoping that we would all become closer to her if possible. Hoping that she would stay.
 She was what made last Christmas worth while.
But of course, it wasn't until a few months ago that she decided she didn't want to be connected to us in any way. And now there won't be her joining us this year.

 So as I think over last Christmas, part of me just wants it over. In light of last Christmas it won't be good at all.
And here I sit, reminding myself that things have changed. Things with the person who didn't like me last year have changed a bit; and even if they never had, I would definitely not be letting what they think bother me now. Things with my friend who had ditched me last year have changed.  Things with my sister have changed.
It's all changed. And though I still can look at this coming Christmas and have doubts; it all comes down to whether or not I am going to let memories control my future.
It is so easy to do that. It's easy to just say that "Oh, well that person who doesn't like me is just going to be nice to everyone else and ignore me and act like I don't exist again". It would be easier to say "Oh my friend who ditched me hasn't really changed. The same thing will just happen again. They won't stick around till Christmas, and if they do, it won't be long after that they get bored again."
For me, it would be so easy to let those memories chain me, and make me have a pessimistic view of this Christmas.
That's the easy thing.
The hard thing for me is to look forward to a bright new Christmas and  think the best of whatever might come my way. Even if my friend gets bored and decides to ditch me again. And even if the person in my family decides to ignore my existence again. The hard thing is to make the best out of whatever I am given. The hard thing is to make the best out of whatever day I am given. And that day this year would be Christmas. So my goal for this year is not to let people so ruin my day; but to make the most of the day I have. To make the most of the Christmas I have, and to not let those bad memories drag me down.

As humans, we will always have bad memories, and sometimes those never leave us. It is easy to let those memories control us in the present. And what a dangerous thing that can be. It can ruin your entire life, in fact. Being in bondage to your memories is like dying. It's like falling into a deep depression you can't get out of.  We aren't meant to die like this; we are meant to live, and make the most of every day we have.

And with that, as I look at this coming Christmas, I am fighting to let go of those memories. I think I'm still just fighting to live.

Just Look

"Look for the people who have shown the signs,
Look for the people who have shut the blinds.
Look for the soul that has wasted away
Whose world has turned to grey.
Look for the loner in the room,
Look for the face tainted in gloom.
Look for the girl with a broken smile
Look for the girl who isn't living in denial.
Look for the ones ignored and forgotten
Look for the ones who have been deemed rotten.
Look for the ones who are beaten and broken,
For those are the ones worth more than a token.
Those are the people worth knowing
Those are the people who will help your growing.
So look for the sick of soul,
Look that you might be used as a tool.
Look for those who walk alone,
Who have no one to hear their cries and groans.
Oh look for those who struggle with the desire to be alive
Please look to help your brothers and sisters survive."

"This life has lost its comfort and joy
All this that the darkness has destroyed
There isn't much here
When death becomes less than a fear.
There isn't much will
When it's only Christ who makes your heart filled.
With a cruel world like this
The desires to stay grow shorter on the list
People hurt, bite, and leave you,
There's too much damage they can do.
When pain becomes part of this life
When what you feel daily is the stab of the knife
More and more does death become inviting,
And all the more less frightening.
When the cares of this world fade
And the coldness, into your soul invades
When the closest friends leave you behind
And the sadness starts to grind,
Remember when this world gets heavy and the heart starts to bend
Remember in light of truth that this is not your final end.
Let that pull bring you Home at last,
When the time of your days has passed.
Let your soul be ready
When the sailing on the seas is all but steady.
Set your eyes on that sweeter and better place
When God is ready to bring you Home by His Good Grace."

I Would Not Change What Has Happened

Perhaps I'm too young to be reflecting upon my life, but I can't help but reflect back to the times I used to be angry at God for the things that have played out in life and demand why He had made them come. I am reflecting back upon the two things that have had a huge impact on my life.
For one, it was how God chose to save me.
For the longest time I never told anyone how God saved me, least not the whole story.
Of course most people don't usually give the whole story, but I'm a fairly open person who doesn't care much about what people think. So it's a bigger thing to me when I won't open up.

It wasn't only the family drama that led me to salvation. It was an author who I had come to respect and look up to.
And it wasn't till a year later from when I became a Christian that I found out the author was a complete heretic. That shook me up in so many ways; too many ways that it's pathetic to try and explain to anyone else.
So much has happened involving that author, and it's changed me into who I am, and what I care about. It's changed me for the best. But it was always a hard thing. So often I had demanded to know why God had used that author. I mean, there's so many other authors writing Christian fantasy out there. I couldn't come to grips with why he would let a author become my hero who would later turn out to be a heretic. I just couldn't for so many reasons.
But as time moved on, as I come to understand theology, as I came to meet and connect with various people on that forum, as I began to write, I realized how much God had used that one man in my life.
He had used it not only for my sanctification but also used it so I would connect with others.
It hadn't been a waste.
And as I look back I see reasons why He had chosen to use that author.
I don't mention anything that relates to that much anymore, I've told enough people who haven't understood. And I know that you'd have to be through it, you'd have to be me to understand why sometimes I still cry when I look back.
So that has been one area I was reflecting upon today. And looking back I see how much God has used that, and how He has been gracious enough to show me the reasons "why" He put that in my life.
And even after all the hurt and sadness it has brought into my life in so many ways, and even though it still can make me cry, I don't regret a thing. I am thankful it was put in my life how it was.
If I had the choice to make it different, to have made it another author who God used to save me, to change it so I wouldn't face the heart break, I wouldn't.
I would keep it how it is. I wouldn't change it for anything else. Because God has used it so greatly, and in the end, it was worth all the sadness.

So that was one thing I reflected on. The other, of course was my pain.
Shamefully I'll have to admit that through the last three years of having pain every day,  I haven't had the right perspective for most of it. I've had the perspective of wondering why God had allowed it.
At first I thought it had been my fault, but then I just started asking why.
So many times, more often than not, I've wanted this pain to be gone. I haven't wanted to deal with it. There are so many times that I have been in temptation to just become bitter against God for giving it to me. I have thought it's taken away my future and anything good I could ever have.
I have demanded to know the answer why for so long.
And it's only now, this year that God's changed my perspective to see why.
God has changed me in so many ways because of this, and He has shaped me into who I am. And He has taught me how to fight through each day. He has done so much.
But one of the biggest things that He has done was allow me to connect with other people through it.
While I had thought I was limited, I had the most freedom in opportunities that I never would have otherwise! And I know now, that for those opportunities I would never change a thing.
If I could take away all my pain I've had over the last three years, I wouldn't. If I could assure that I would have no pain in my future, I wouldn't change how God will have it.
Seriously. I wouldn't change a thing.
Because I realize that those opportunities are so much more than just me and my little future and my little happiness.
I think that even through these connections, I've received some of the greatest joy.
And since God has given me that connection with those few amazing people, I wouldn't want to lose that. I wouldn't change that.
I guess, in my seemingly greatest limitation, I have found one of my greatest freedoms.
And that's the freedom to connect with people who I never would have otherwise.

So as I look back upon things that have happened, I'm learning to stop questioning God on the things that happen. Everything is for a reason. He knows best. Even through the things that bring the most hurt and sorrow, I think, often times as we look back we would not change any of it. Because God has brought it all out for His Glory and for our best.
And even though my life certainly isn't how I imagined it would be once I got out of high school, I know for a fact I would not change the things that have happened, and that I am going through, for anything else.

God Bless,
  A.W.

We Have Fought

"Today we have fought
Maybe not as hard as we ought
But each of us has gone onto the field
Trusting in faith that God is our shield.
We have fought the devil's lies
And to some sins we have said our final goodbyes.
We have lifted up prayers in darkest troubles
We have set our gaze upward to the Cross in fatal stumbles.
We have opened the Book of Life
To set peace above our inward strife
We have fought till we were tired and sore
At times we haven't a single break from war.
And at times it shows in our faces
How hard we've been running these races
It's showing in our eyes-
The pain of this life, but still our hope rises.
It's showing in our smile
Knowing that all is in God's Hands, even when in darkness we must wait a while.
As each day passes the war grinds and shapes us
Growing our faith and trust.
Each day we are modeled to become more like our God
Each day as the world picks up the cruel rod.
But let us take courage to know we have fought
We have done our best in our own lot.
We can ed the day knowing it was not a waste,
Not played out in careless haste
For we have fought today
Now one day less on earth we have to stay.
Tomorrow we take one more step towards eternal rest,
And tomorrow we fight as we face another test."

God Bless,
   A.W.

:/

There are so many things stuck in my head. If only I could find the right words to use. I know what I want to write.  And yet holding back, unsure of the words to choose is turning out badly.
I feel myself slipping back into how I've been in the past, just not caring anymore about my life, and listening more to the lies I speak to myself.
It's just that I keep feeling that pull in my soul to just give up.
I guess writing is all I ever had in my life. Not that I'm incredible at it.

I think it's because of feeling I've never had anything to contribute the world. It's not like I'm a bright and encouraging person. In fact, I'm sure that I'm more of a discouragement to people; definitely a tool for sanctification. And I've never been like all the other girls in the church, I've never had the same good qualities. I've had none of that. I've never been good at anything, nor have I a good personality to make up the failure in one area.
I suppose in the end I could come up with a thousand reasons why I shouldn't be alive if I can't write.

Just today, I guess, I don't feel much reason to be alive. Sure, there are people I have tried to help and encourage, but that doesn't mean my efforts have worked at all.
At least there have been a few good things I've written, and God has seemed to use them. If only He would give me the words. I wish I would not feel so pointless as I do now.

There is so much that needs out. Even if I am the only one who understands. There's too much in my head, and not getting that out is making me too sad. Making me feel pointless. Which I know I am not, otherwise God wouldn't have me here. But right now I just don't feel the point, and it is sinking me into the state that I just don't care.
A terrifying place to be.
I guess I'm just praying I can write something better again. Anything.
I just don't want to be where I am right now. Today.

--A.W.

Limited

It's hard to believe it's only been three years since I've had chronic pain. It's crazy to realize how much those three years have changed my views, my perspective, how I act, and even how I move throughout the day.
For the first two years I thought it had been my fault, as if God had cursed me because of the sinful things I had gotten myself into. I thought this was my punishment. I set myself up against marriage or any chances of happiness in life; with or without getting married. I thought I had ruined not just myself mentally, but also physically.
It's sad to think upon those two years, to think of how angry and shameful I had been to think I brought it upon myself. And to see how it not only changed my views, but also changed how I lived my life. Every few months the pain would get so bad that all I could do was stay in bed for hours.
 So many times I would be depressed from the pain, from it all.
I think those were the days that got me thinking I didn't have a future. That I would be limited forever, that the pain would ruin my life.

But this year has changed it all. It wasn't because the pain randomly went away, it's because it stayed. It's because it got worse, and I had to learn to work through it.This year has been the hardest year of my life, but the best year, simply for the work God has done in my life.
And it's the power of perspective that changes everything.
I never realized how important perspective was until this year. I realized that for the first time it changes everything.
Over the last few months I have been hopeful about going to UCLA to see some specialists, I remained hopeful until the day after that appointment. My hope wasn't dashed because they had told me it was all in my head, or that I was totally fine. No, they think they found out what was wrong, and have worked on lessening the pain. But it was the days that followed that all of my past fears came racing back to me.
Those fears that had bits of truth to them. That reminded me that I may still never get fully better, that I might have to live with pain. Bits of truth that reminded me that the pain wasn't just staying at the same level, as time goes on it keeps getting worse. Truth that reminds me of how it has effected not only my sleeping, but now my walking too.
And of course, the biggest of all fears I have had with this pain was the one that I had no future.

Last week I fell in how I viewed my pain and my life. I stumbled and decided to see my life through the world's lenses. I saw myself how I used to. Not being able to  do what I wanted with my life. Being useless in every which way I could come up with. Through those lenses I saw a wasted life, all because of this pain.
And yet, before I could dwell on these thoughts too deeply, it was as if God ripped those lenses off and showed me truth.
How these long three years have been so hard, and have changed me so much, how I wished at times that God would take this pain away. How I do hope for a relief in this life from this pain.
But looking back, I know if God had given me the option to never have had this pain, I would have let the pain stay.
Because what I've learned this year has been so powerful. It was the power of perspective. To not only realize that my life is all His to do whatever He pleases, and that He's given me this thorn out of love, but to realize that though I may end up being "limited" in the world's eyes, my opportunities are all the more boundless.
Through this pain God has given me incredibly opportunities to reach out to people who I'd never have reached before, and for even that alone it has been worth it.
Because if this is the way God's chosen to use me in a few people's lives, then I'm all for it. That's all that matters. My life is His. And through Him this life will not be a waste.
Through Him this life cannot be bound, through Him there is not such limit as there is in the world's eyes.
If He has this pain stay, and continue all my days till I go Home then what more opportunities I will be blessed with. What more matters when we are on this earth than to bring Glory to His Name?
What worth this life is when I view it through an eternal perspective.
I know with all my heart that I would leave those three years how they are, and I pray so earnestly that with all my heart I'll submit to whatever God does through me to bring Him glory. Whether that is staying in pain or not.

So this year I've learned much about perspective, more than I ever thought even existed. God has changed my views and my heart. Now to remind myself to not look through the world's lenses, but to view my circumstances and future through God. Knowing that I wouldn't have changed these last three years for a pain free life. Because through Christ, there is no limit.

God Bless,
  A.W.

Silence

"This mind has not been loud
Thought have not burst in like a crowd.
I have worked in silence, the only thoughts coming are merely small prayers.
Few words spoken and eyes filled with empty stares
In my mind I sit alone on a bench
The light rain beginning to on me, drench.
Knowing what my friends are going through,
Feeling that it's not terribly new.
It breaks my heart,
Although, having already a taste of what they feel, it tears me apart.
It has filled me with sorrow too much for words to say
Too full for me to come up with words to pray.
It's not that in God I refuse to trust,
Knowing He has a plan and having peace is a must.
It's not that I am lonesome without the company of those dear friends,
No, that isn't what's making this heart bend.
It's the understanding of nothing helping when in great pain,
Knowing how my friend feels as she struggles to dance in the rain.
It's understanding how believers bite and stab each other
How the church can stop feeling lie it's made up of sisters and brothers.
It's the connection of knowing a bit how they feel that sets me in this silent state.
Not feeling anything, no, not even hate.
But oh how comforting it is to know I sit not alone on this bench.
And that I have shelter keeping me from getting drenched.
For when this silence shatters, I will fall apart in God's Hand,
Where the landing is sure to be softer than sand.
He is catching these tears I cry,
Hearing the prayers breathed through each sigh.
For my God reads all of those actions and knows the words my tongue cannot speak
He knows that I am, oh so weak.
Crying over everyone's lives, as if they were my own,
Though often happening, this to the world is not often shown.
But in my weakness He hears me still,
This empty mind soon to be filled."

A Beautiful Life

"There's something so beautiful about a man's life
Something so remarkable about his inward strife.
There's something that fills us as we read about the saints of old
Something that makes us inspired, encouraged, bold.
We read and hear of their failures and falls
We see how yet again they rise up, giving it their all.
By their faithful endurance we are greatly inspired
In their great spiritual battles we see them fight against how they were wired.
There's something so beautiful about their past, stained with blood
And yet something so crumbling about how along with Christ they've been dragged through the mud.
Oh how we see such worth in a life spent out for Christ
Oh how that Holy Name has cost them such a price.

But to see joy in a man's life marked with excruciating pain,
To know that all his loss has turned into gain.
What incredible paradoxes we are able to see in a single life
What courage God can produce against the gun and knife.
What a legacy God has made them leave behind
Their passion for God was the fire that made it shine
The dark clouds lingering above them could but threaten to tear them apart
The dreary storm not reflecting their glad heart.
So let us remember that we stand on the shoulders of giants,
Who never backed down from the wicked tyrants
Let us know the motivation for the lives they had,
Let us not look at their lives to be sober and sad.
But be encouraged to know that in darkest times their brightest light was produced,
Be inspired to see how they were from this world cut loose.
Be motivated to have your whole spent for God,
And in ages to come, up to the Scriptures, not be found a fraud.
At the end of our days, let us see a spent and beautiful life just as the saints of old
Oh let our life of passion have an impact to make a new generation bold."

My Life Is His

"For these are the years that I should not live,
These are the breaths I would never give.
So full of weariness and woe
I am living the life I would have ended years ago.
Depression once pulling me down like sinking sand,
My Jesus giving me much more than a helping Hand.
These long days do not belong to me,
Since He was the One who opened my eyes to see.
For these days are less mine than they are His
A miracle to breathe it is
For He has the right to make this life wild,
For He has the right to make me into His suffering child.
No right have I to complain
For from this life I have nothing to gain
If my Saviour chooses to put me in fire
Or to make me walk across a high wire
Then have my soul let it be,
For this very script I love out does not belong to me
My Saviour has brought me and given years I'd never have had
What more can I do but through my suffering try and make Him Glad?"

I Wonder...

"Often times I wonder that after I die
Who will come to my funeral and cry.
Would there only show up faces I expect?
Or would I be surprised if I checked?
I wonder if they will stand in silence and smile
I wonder if they'll leave right away or stay awhile.
Will they remember me as God's persevering fighter?
Or will I forever remain as the quiet, coy writer?
Will they see a girl who poured out her heart?
Or a girl who let the world tear her apart?
I wonder if they'll remember the words I write
I wonder if they'll remember me as a light.
Will Christians be happy to know they'll see me again?
Or will they question if there's even a "when"?
Will they think me as a sinner simply deceived?
Or a saint gone home and relieved?
In whole, will my life be reflected to my Christ?
Or will it be a waste, without a single price?
Oh, what will my life be to God?
How I hope I'll never be found a fraud.
Oh, how I wonder what testimony I'm leaving behind
Is it one that will crush my heart and cause me to grind my teeth?
How I pray that this life will not be a waste
How I pray for it not to be done in unthinking haste.
In the end, what will all the world see?
Will anyone even care to miss me?
Oh how I pray they will remember me as God's weak and lowly fighter
Oh how I want to make God's name all the more brighter.
What a waste and shame it would be if everyone left that service without to my God, a single thought.
What a disgrace I would to my grave have brought.
But let this body, mind, and spirit be worn out,
So as they gather for my funeral they will be clear of all doubt."

Can't You Understand?

Dancing In The Rain

"God has sent this rain
God has blessed me with this pain.
He has sent these dark clouds to cover the sky
He has sent these raindrops to wash away the tears I cry.
For so long I believed to be cursed
Never cared to stop before the clouds burst
The drops starting merely at a patter,
Opening my eyes to see what mattered.
But by then it was all too late
I thought I'd chosen my own tragic fate
As the thunder cracked above,
I couldn't see how this pain was given out of love
But in time He showed me reasons
And let the rain soften and harden in seasons
Never has He given me full shelter from the storm
But only enough to keep me alive and warm
Though washed away are all my stains
I still stand in unceasing rains
Never may I again see the sky so clear
But never have I felt my God so near.
So many reasons have been revealed to me
And the ultimate reason I finally can see
For all they ever said was that the storm was a test
Never did they say that God only does what is best
Never did they say it was all out of love
Never have I found such joy in these clouds above
Oh how this love has taken away the bitter chill
Oh what peace I've been given when there hasn't yet been a still
What a grace it is to raise these arms up against the harsh drops
To spin around and dance, knowing the rain might never stop.
Though the ground has become wet so I may slip and fall
My God will always hear me when I call.
Even as the thunder crashes, making me look above
I am reminded of how the storm is sent out of love.
For this is how much my God cares for me
That in this storm He's given me the will to let it all be
To be finished with all this groaning and sighing
To let the rain wash away the tears I've been crying
So what a blessing these dark clouds have been
What a blessing it is to smile and up to the heavens raise my chin
And though the rain splatters against my face
Never have I felt such unceasing grace.
Oh God, teach me how to rejoice in the storm of this pain
Oh God, teach me how to dance in this rain."

Perspective

It has been a rough two days. Dealing with the side effects of anti-depressants. Not much fun at all. In fact, I've grown frustrated to the point of tears. My normal pain mixed with other pain in the same general area is not fun whatsoever.
I have had so much trouble today that by now, that heavy weight in my chest has finally come...the weight in your chest when you just want to be done with everything. A little part of me wants to just give up on it all, and be upset at this messed up body again. Part of me wants to just give up and give into the weight of depression inside. But upon thinking over all of this, I reminded myself that all was for a purpose, every tiny detail.

Perspective. Too often it's easy for me to give into having the wrong perspective and stay that way. It's too easy for me to hate my body, and hate myself for falling into depression. It's too easy for me to give into my old ways.
It's hard to maintain the right perspective when you're in pain and when that weight of depression comes back to you. It's hard to keep it when it's just so easy to fall.
But tonight, the reminder that God has a purpose for everything that happens is what has given me peace.  That reminder hasn't taken that weight away, but it has made up my mind to not give in.
There could be so many reasons why I have had two terrible days with these side effects.
Maybe God has put them in my life to tell me that anti-depressants won't help me with my pain, maybe He's using this to save me another month and a half taking these meds. Maybe He is telling me to move on to the next thing.

Or perhaps He is reminding me of the reason why I write "Please Don't Give Up Tonight" on my wrist almost every day. Sure not every day I feel depressed, or want to give up on living, but I still write it. Perhaps He is reminding me that those aren't just pointless words. Perhaps He is reminding me that I don't write those words on my wrist so people will ask. Perhaps He is reminding me not to give up--and to fight past pain and depression and go on with life. And not shut down on people, and to not stop working.

Or maybe He has given me these days so that I could once again re-center my focus and perspective in hard times.
I don't know why He has given me these days, but He has given them to me for a reason. And maybe I can't see that right away, and maybe I will never see it, but the thought alone gives me all the more endurance to hold on. Because He has a purpose and I am a tool in His Hand. Need to maintain the right perspective in my situation and be willing to be used in whatever way He chooses.
That's what I need to remind myself tonight. Because there is a reason why I write, "Please Don't Give Up Tonight," on my wrist. There is a reason to everything that happens. And that is a comforting reminder to me, something to pull me through the pain and depression. God has a plan, a perfect one.

God Bless,
  A.W.

He Loves Me

I attended the last Resolved conference this weekend. Though disappointed in some of the people I went with, the preaching and worship was incredible. The greatest thing I pulled away from the weekend was this: God loves me.

On the last day, after the first session in the morning I met up with a lady who used to tutor me. She stopped tutoring me a couple years back when her husband went Home to meet the Lord. They were an older couple, both kind, loved God so much.
I attended the memorial service, and that was the last time I saw my tutor. So I was excited to see her again; she asked about school, and what I was going to do with my life. After I had talked some I asked what was new with her. She started naming off some things like one of her daughters getting a boyfriend who seems quite serious, and at last, in a tight yet soft voice she said, "And missing Mr. D."  The moment she said that, tears filled her eyes, and I felt tears fill my own. She said she wasn't sure what God wanted her to do next.  And off that, somehow we got to talking about physical pain. I ended up telling her of my chronic pain, and she told me that her chronic arthritis  had started when she was 25.
We have both been fighters; her being one with years of experience, much more than I. But all the same, we both spoke the same, of not letting pain ruin our lives, or how we live. It was good to have someone I could so easily relate to in this area. Someone who thought how I did about pain.
From pain, we spoke of God's purposes in it. And how He has used it in both our lives. And from God's purposes, we spoke of Home and how glorious it will be. She told me about how having her husband gone has made her think more of Home than ever before. Daily she would think of how sweet Eternity will be. I told her that my pain reminds me that this earth is not Home, that from the pain, I look all the more to Eternity. How comforting it is to know that this is the closest to Hell we will ever get. In full we had a wonderful conversation; both on the brink of tears, we talked of our Great Father, His purposes, and our Home.

So in light of that conversation, the next sermon that we heard was about the future glory of the Church. Steve Lawson preached an incredible sermon, and at one point went off about the love of God. The line that hit me the hardest was, 'God does what is best'. 
Then I realized that everything that comes my way; even trials and thorns put in my life are not only to change me. But over that, because He loves me.
He gives us thorns because that is what is best. Him doing what is best is Him saying that He loves us.
God gave me chronic pain because He loves me.
God took away Mr. D because He loves Mrs. D.

But too often we think that anything that goes wrong in our lives is because we have done wrong. Too often we take things as a curse from God.  We have formed a terrible perspective from the world, that only when good things happen does God show His love towards us. And maybe we don't see right away the reasons why bad things happen. But that doesn't mean that it must be for a bad reason. Even when it is a tragic thing.
My perspective once again has been so changed this weekend. I've come this far, after over two and a half years, to realize that this thorn is a blessing in disguise.
Perhaps God is preparing me for a lifetime of chronic pain--but whatever it ma be, no longer does this pain feel like a curse. God gave it to me because He loves me.

The feeling I have had over the last two days is like none other. I didn't cry while listening to the sermon, I cried alone a bit in the bathroom an hour later, before the group of people I was with dragged me to the mall.
It's funny how you can cry, be red in the face and have watery eyes, and yet no one cares to notice.
But even as I sat alone on a bench in the mall, I felt so overwhelmed by my realization. The weight of God's love enough to make my body tremble, even as I walked alone though the mall. I fought back tears, because there were no words to describe the weight I felt.
God loves me was all that ran through my head.
God loves me.
God loves me.

The weight of that love is beyond anything words can ever describe. I can't speak of it, not even write this post without tears.
Sure I have known that God loves me. But in light of my trials and pains, it has never been so powerful as it has today.
I can go through trials and take these thorns as blessings. He gives them to me because He knows that this is what is best for me. He does what is best for me because He loves me.
He loves me.
He not only gives, but He takes away. He does what is best for His children. Sometimes Him taking away our loved ones is what is best. It is not always so tragic as we think first off. He does what is best for us, even though it can be hard.
So that is what I've brought back; that is what has caused all of these tears over the last two days.
God. Loves. Me.

God Bless,
  A.W.

Just A Swim

"It is just a swim
Way past branching out on a limb.
Swimming in a pool of memories so bittersweet
that can only give off the sensation of life's defeat.
Through the eye there will always be a smiling face
That no one, not even death, could erase.
Through the ear, there will always be laughter and a voice,
So precious that burying them with the body isn't even a choice.
Through the hands, they will always feel that skin so warm and alive,
That touch, always in these waters will survive.
With every wave that crashes, I relive every little thing
With every wave, another type of sadness it brings.
I swim here, reliving every day we had.
Finally feeling reality sink in, and wishing I could be glad.
Buried in the dirt below, I'm left here nearly drowning.
While everyone else stands on the dock, crying and frowning.
To know that when I cry, you will be no where near.
The sky is foggy and clouded, not even close to being clear.
A burden weighs so deep inside that I might sink
My mind in all too much sorrow and pain to think.
So here I swim, in a sea of memories, too bittersweet to keep,
These memories going down far too deep."

Just Some Thoughts...

This week I had a conversation with a friend about how important it is in a relationship to find someone with the same theology as you have.
Both of us are Reformed; he's a Presbyterian and I'm not really in a denomination. My friend told me last night that he tends to not like the girls who are totally Reformed because other than their theology they have nothing else in common. He told me that the majority of girls he knows are stiff and tend to be more of the boring side.
So, instead of making theology the highest thing to look for in finding the right girl, he told me he just would say he wants a strong Christian girl who loves God and who is teachable.

Two years ago I would have thought that idea terrible for any strong Reformed person, guy or girl. But I think that over the last few years, with having most of my friends not agreeing with me theologically, I've come to be more accepting of those in different groups.
I understand why my friend had said what he was looking for instead of people in his denomination. And I find nothing wrong with that.
As long as the girl is teachable and not in a totally heretical movement I don't see the problem with a strong Reformed guy marrying her.

My oldest brother married a girl who came out of the Fundamentalist movement. She didn't entirely agree with him theologically when they married, but she loved God.  And That's what mattered.
She was learning, and still is learning, and my brother is teaching her more. I find nothing wrong with that pairing.
A strong Reformed guy looking outside of the group of girls who agree 100 percent theologically and just looking for someone who he can relate to and who still loves God but is teachable at the same time isn't a terrible thing really.

But upon thinking more about this. I don't think it wise for a Reformed girl, such as myself, to look for a guy who isn't firm theologically.

To me, theology is super important. And I would never marry a guy who I disagree with in a big way. Like on the Doctrines of Grace or Romans 7. That's always the first question that comes out when my friends say they like someone.
Most girls ask, "Is he cute?" I ask, "How's his theology?"
To me, besides being a Christian, theology is the next important thing. Most of that's probably because of my experiences with people in different boats than mine, but also because I realize that in a serious relationship, the man is supposed to be the leader.
And I don't think a good leader should be having his footing in five different boats at one time. A leader has to be firm in what he believes and be able to defend it and teach others.
Of course no one has perfect theology, and we all are growing.
But a guy who is wavering in his theology and who keeps changing isn't in the best position to lead anyone.

Theology not only changes how a guy lives and his perspective, but it changes how a guy leads. And as girls, too often we discount having the right theology and think that as long as a guy loves God and says he's a Christian, then that's all that matters.
But it's not. Too often we look past being firm and never think about how theology really does effect a man's leading.
I don't see how a guy can be in a million different boats theologically and still be able to lead a woman.  Too many people are in different boats at the same time, and girls just overlook it and think these guys would make a fantastic husband anyways.  Too often girls don't think of the guys as being the leader in a marriage, and so they don't understand how unstable theology can cause unstable leadership.

So I guess that in conclusion, I don't see anything wrong with a strong Reformed guy looking for a girl who doesn't quite agree with him on everything, but is learning. But I think it's different for a strong Reformed girl looking for a guy.
I think theology has a lot to do with the leadership thing. And I think it's important for a girl to find a guy who is firm in what he believes.
Yeah, so those are just some thoughts.

God Bless,
 A.W.

The Beauty Prize

Keep on Walking

This poem is one I wrote about how you shouldn't let it kill you, when you feel like you see yourself through someone else's eyes. It's hard to not let what someone else thinks of you get into your head too much. And I think at times, when you have to walk away, you have to just look up to God in order to remember that you are loved by Him and that's what matters the most, even if everyone else in the world's let you down.
So yeah, here is something I wrote on it.

 "Realizing that you are not enough,
is beyond just tough.
Realizing you aren't worth the miles and time,
Makes walking away feel like you aren't worth a dime
To see those sweet words just as lies
Makes it so hard to see your worth through another person's eyes.

And when that time comes for you to move on,
Don't let your heart stay for too long
Give it all up to God,
All of these emotions in a wad.
Carry on, for God has a better way,
Don't be afraid of any mistakes, for He will tell you to go or stay
Keep in mind that He loves you so
That even through the ups and downs, He will make you grow
So when the time comes, walk on still
For your Saviour has a perfect will
In your Father, there is love
He even prepares a place for you above
He chose you when you deserved hell,
He chose you even when you fell.
He has struck worth into your soul
And anyone who doesn't see that should be found a fool
See your worth through His eyes,
And don't let your life be weighed down upon by someone else's lies."

God Bless,
  A.W.

Dear Pain,

This is a poem to my pain, that I wrote yesterday.
I hate that it makes me feel like being depressed, hate it so much. Tempted to fall into depression this week. And out of that resistance came this poem..


"You cannot break into this soul,
Even when the pain is full.
You can make your living here
But to my life you cannot draw near.
You cannot push me down,
You cannot keep these lips forever in a frown.
You cannot rule my life,
Nor can you drive me to take my breath away by a knife
You can make your bed in my fallen state
Start your work in the early morning and keep me up late
You may steal my sleep
And try to pull me into the deep
Make my future bleak
Make me tired and weak.
You can enjoy and stay,
You never have to go away
Unless my Saviour commands you to go,
I accept that you might never show.
You may stab and burn,
But through every pain I have a lesson to learn
You will not take control of the depression I feel
Though you can make it so I never heal
So I say one last time, that you may stay here,
but to my soul you shall not draw near."

Things Not To Be Done

 Something that I need to remember throughout life. God's teaching me not to hold so closely to my plans lately, thought I'd finally write out my emotions in a poem.

“There are plans in life not to be done,
Life is not always full of love and fun
And yet our hopes and plans we hold too tight
Even if we know they will never happen, we say they might.
There are things we must learn to take,
When all our plans and hopes are at stake
We must learn to be disappointed and live on,
Though it may last all our days long.
There are people who will let you down,
But you must learn not to frown.
Rarely will you find a faithful friend who will always be there
Rarely will mankind not drive you to despair
But learn to deal with it, you must,
Learn to deal with it and yet still trust.
We believe such sweet lies and hold on longer
We fool ourselves into believing it makes us stronger.
But the more we hold on, the more it will break our hearts
The more damage it will do as it tears us apart.
Remember to hold all things loosely if all must one day go,
Even if it means we must keep our hopes low.”

Suffer Well

 "We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. -Romans 5:3--5"

"Dear Self,
God does not promise to rid your life of affliction and difficulty. He does, however, offer to give you the grace needed to suffer well, and through grace to discover the riches and beauty of the gospel. It isn't wrong to ask God to relieve you of your pain, but it is more important that in the midst of the pain you reply on the promise of God to work such experiences for his glory and for your good--to use these times as a means to perfect our faith, strengthen your spirit, and transforming your life in such a way that you are becoming more like Jesus.
I know you want relief, but often relief comes, not in the form of the removal of the affliction, but in the strengthening of your faith. And that is what these trials are designed to do--test, prove, and strengthen your faith. In times of ease you have sometimes wondered just how real and robust is your faith. In times of your own weakness you have asked God to sanctify you, grow you, and strengthen you. Well, here is your answer. God accomplishes much of that through your "fiery trial" when you suffer well. To suffer well doesn't mean you put on a stoic face and muscle through the situation without a word. It means that through your suffering you trust God, bless him, look to him, and point others to him.
When the world strips away your comfort and confidence in things temporal, when friends become enemies and attack you, when in the providence of God suffering enters your life like a flash flood, you are given an opportunity to see very clearly where your ultimate dependance lies and where you find your identity. And it's not just something that reveals truth about yourself; it is also something God uses to sanctify you.
Do you want to be confident in God's good purposes for your life? Then you must discover them in times of ease as well as times of difficulty. Do you want to become more like Christ? Then you must suffer, and suffer well."

--Note To Self, Joe Thorn

Memories

The mind has always interested me; its mysteries unfathomable. The things it stores and forgets seem so random; and can be the tiniest things in an event.

Personally, I’ve never had a wonderful memory, and for the most part, the things that have stayed with me seem to be either random or depressing.

Sometimes I wonder, in ten years, which of my memories will fade and which will stay?

Too often there have been days so sweet that I’ve closed my eyes and thought, ‘I hope I never forget this feeling, this moment, it’s so beautiful.’ But in a few months, these things seemed to be lost in my mind forever.

And yet, many of the memories that have lingered for so long with me are ones that I’ve never thought much about. They all just seem bizarre.

But the more and deeper I consider why I have the memories I do, the more it makes sense.

I’ve come to believe that just as every event has a reason, every memory we hold does too. And to back up my theory, I’ll show you four examples.

Most of the memories I have are with my family; the ones I hold so close are ones with my brothers in them. When they took me on roller coasters, and brought me along on their outings, they pulled me out of my shell, and tried cheering me up after my sister and sister-in-law both left the family.

Those are the very memories that have stuck with me the longest, and it’s always been a bit strange to remember the smallest things of our relationship.

Until that is, I realized how much those memories really do count in the long run, because those were the very moments that were used to bring me out of my shell, to take risks and dares, to have fun in life, to get shushed by my mum when I laugh and talk really loud like my brothers do. They were the little moments that helped me to just be myself.

On the other hand, I have memories of my sister. Not tons, but ones that remind me of how I wanted a relationship with her, and how I used to look up to her, and wanted to be like her. Those times that made me believe that being gorgeous and getting all the guys was all that mattered in life. Those were the times that caused me to start thinking the wrong way, which I’ve struggled with for so long. Thinking in ways that scarred my views on where true beauty lies and what really matters in life.

And then there are memories with my dad; where he used to hold me in his arms, after I failed at explaining myself in small groups when first challenged on my beliefs. Those talks where he told me that while he was in seminary he would fail at explaining himself, and it was okay to do so; it just meant you needed to work harder at communicating.

And as I look back, I see how much conversations with my dad affected me. It made me become braver; they taught me to speak out and communicate better, and to be firm in my theology.

Last of all, there are those terrible memories that we all hold, the ones we wish we could forget, and yet they stay so clearly in our minds as if we could relive them.

I think those memories are kept to remind us of what great sinners we are, and what a Great Saviour we have. The horrific and disgusting failures in the past are there to remind us of the everlasting grace bestowed upon us. I wouldn’t even need to give you an example here, because we all have them. And though we hate those memories, I believe they are some of the most important; because God’s Mercy is never something to be forgotten or taken lightly.

Thinking through all of those seemingly random examples, especially the ones with my brothers, I have become sure that our memories hold much significance in our lives.

Memories to show us how we’ve come to act and think like we do, to show us how we’ve come to where we are today, and to show us how we were shaped into who we are today.

In conclusion, I believe there is a reason for every memory our minds hold captive; no matter how terrible, or random, or little it may be.

God Bless,

  A.W.

My Last Poem For Who Knows How Long

A poem I wrote a while back, kinda to God, that it's not enough to write and talk, but I need to not be a hypocrite and actually live it out.
So here we go...

"It's not enough to write,
It's not enough to say all that is right.
It's a shame how at times my life is a lie,
It's a shame that my life does not echo my poems' battle cries.
For what is the use of talking when I don't mean it,
When I fail at living out every bit.
What a shame it is to get lazy, and don't live to the full,
Giving into pain's every pull.
Letting sickness and pain have it's toll with me,
In full, at time what a liar I can be.

But change me now, O God!
Up against my words, don't let me be found a fraud!
Help me to live out every word I put down,
By your grace, don't let me drown.
For it is not enough to simply write great things
For if the words don't match to my life, make it hurt like one big sting,
Shooting me back to life, all that should be true.
Please kill the old and bring on the new.
O God, let these words match up to a life I won't be ashamed to watch over before I die.
O God, don't ever let these words be a lie!"

God Bless,
 A.W.

"There's no such thing as the impossible
It's only a word made up by the irresponsible
The world calls people crazy
When it's only because they are determined and not lazy
They say nothing works between shores
They never take risks or dares because they refuse and look past open doors
For it's never been the laid back people who've changed the world
It's always been those people who've been labeled crazy and insane
By a "sane" man, there's never been a single gain.

And in life, to make anything happen you must first start with the small,
You must start with the little bricks to build a strong wall.
It's the steps that lead up to it that matter
So let's forget this word.
Because doing nothing will not make you heard,
Get moving now before it's too late
Take chances and risks and don't worry about your gate.
Forget what is said by the irresponsible.
And run to achieve the impossible."

God Bless,
  A.W.

Where Is Your Joy?

Out of all the years in my life, God's said "no" to all of the big things in life. And so often it's cast me into depression, but God's blessed me this year to learn how to deal with it. Man, He's really blessed me, even though I've gotten so many "nos" this year.
I challenge myself a lot about where my joy lays. And the other day I had to do that very thing, so I wrote a poem out.
And here it is.

"Joy should not be based upon my circumstances.
It should not be based on whether my world is colorful or grey,
Or whether or not people leave or stay.
It should not be based on whether or not I'm in pain
Or whether or not I suffer from loss or gain.
I don't want my joy to be based on any of these.
I don't want my emotions to be carried off like the breeze.
I want my hope and joy to be firm,
Because I'm so sick of being in depression, pathetic as a worm.
I need to learn to keep joy when God's answer is 'no'.
I need to remember that through this He will make me grow.

My joy should never be based on anyone or anything
Through whatever happens, God, let my soul always sing.
Let all my joy be based on God
Don't let my emotions be in one giant wad.
But set them to peace,
Slaughter inside that raging beast.
Let my depression be done.
Lift this burden that weighs a ton
Help me to let my joy be based on God alone,
And let me be able to take a hundred more "no's" without a weary groan."

God Bless,
 A.W.

Please Don't Give Up Tonight

Thoughts on Kony 2012

So I won't lie. But I am pretty sick of all of this spam going on through the internet.
It's all over YouTube, and it's all over FB. It's only been a few days since it's been released too. It's way too much.
 Watched the whole thing last night. At first, I admit, I was more for it, and thought it was a good thing to do. But the more I thought about it, I realized how messed up it all was.
We all want to have a good feeling and feel like we are standing up for something.
And yet, we forget to actually, really, deeply think of things.

I don't think that it's America's place to step into this situation. Sure, we all want justice, but America isn't giving justice in her own country as it is!
Americans protest at the death penalty when a serial killer, who has killed hundreds of people in brutal ways is brought to trial. They say, "Put him in jail with a life sentence! But don't take his life!"
Justice is not served rightly in this country.
So how do we expect to serve it in another country?

And not only that, but consider that America is already in a deep financial ditch. Why should we spend more money on a country that isn't our business? We don't need to go into more debt. Just going to raise more taxes and whatnot. Sending soldiers to another country just to get someone isn't worth all the money it will cost.

Oh, and now you are probably thinking that this all sounds rather harsh. Thinking I don't have much of a heart. But remember that this world will always need justice. Ridding the world of one "infamous man" isn't enough, evil will still reign somewhere in the world.
Getting rid of one man won't make this world a better and happier place. Won't at all. I don't think it will be good for America to go into something like this. Think people need to start using their minds and really start thinking over this Kony thing.
Because, to be quite honest, this spam is really annoying. So those are my thoughts, had to get them out somewhere.

God Bless,
 A.W.

A Better Plan Than Mine

God said no to something last week, and somehow He still gave me the Grace and Strength to write this on that day. God is good. God has a plan. A better one than mine.

"This is not the end,
Though there's not much more than can make this heart bend.
Hope is now taken away,
And this pain may just always stay.
But it's been my reality for two years
I've already laid down my fears.
I used to want a shoulder to lean on, someone to love
But now I understand I've always had God above.
For He understands and comforts me in sorrow,
He gives me peace for tomorrow.
Behind every no, He has a right reason.
And with His Grace I'll survive this hard season.
What worry should I have, when I've got a God who loves me?
I know that one day, from this pain I'll be set free.
For my God has a purpose, a plan, He knows what is best.
One day I'll be given such sweet rest.
Somehow He'll use this for His glory.
This is just one part of my story.
It's not the answer that's brought me to tears,
It's the fact that I have a Sovereign God who still holds me so dear.
But what more I have to look forward to
The hope of heaven rings so true!
For one day I'll be free from this pain, and have rest.
But for today, let me bask in the peace that my God knows best."

Soli Deo Gloria!

God Bless,
  A.W.

My Constant Prayer

I wrote this poem, aimed at how my conversations with God go these days...because this Thursday I get to go to the docs, and this is the last chance they have to find something wrong with me. Because I've been in pain every day for over two years, and no one can figure out why.
So I wrote this, as my prayer to God. What I keep praying over and over throughout the day.

"For you, O God, know my pain, and know I'm sick
You know that this isn't something that I wanted to pick
But you've pulled me through, long over two years.
You've used it to draw me near
You have a plan, a better one than mine,
And for that reason alone, I haven't the right to whine.
You know I hurt, and You give me grace to face the day
Even when in my bed I lay.
For You are good and just in the outcome You've chosen.
You've used it to make me from the world so loosened.

You may have an answer and a cure,
I know You hold me dear.
And You would never put me through this if You didn't think it was for the best
Either way, I know in the end I'll have rest.
If You have me cured, then praise God for His Grace!
Praise God for His Mercy in this tough race.
Let this be ended and used for Your greater glory
Use this as my story.

But even if they say I am just a walking body without a future here
Remind me that You are still near.
For my future is up above
My future is in Christ, whose arms are opened in love
With the hope of heaven, what other motivation do I need here?
If all I have is in Christ, what great loss should I fear?

For whether I am cured or stay in pain,
I know from this world there's nothing I will gain.
So let me live to the fullest, with the end in mind
With eternity in highest thought, all of me this world cannot bind.
Let me write each day as if it my last,
Let me write out all I've learned from the past.
Let it all me a light, use it as You will.
And never cease to keep me filled.
Use this suffering and pain for Your glory
Let me never spend a moment in future worry.
Set my eyes on today.
Give me the right things to say.
Don't let my life go to waste, break me down if You must.
For whatever happens, I know in my Faithful God I will trust."

God Bless,
  A.W.

The Comforter

"But next he is a faithful Comforter. Love sometimes proven unfaithful. 'Oh! Sharper than a serpent's tooth' is an unfaithful friend! Oh! far more bitter than the gall of bitterness, to have a friend to turn from me in my distress! Oh! woe of woes, to have one who loves me in my prosperity forsake me in the dark day of my trouble. Sad indeed: but such is not God's Spirit. He ever loves, and loves even to the end--a faithful Comforter. Child of God, you are in trouble. A little while ago you found him a sweet and loving Comforter, you obtained relief from him when others were but broken cisterns; He sheltered you in his bosom and carried you in his arms. Oh, wherefore dost thou distrust him now? Away with thy fears! for he is a faithful Comforter.
'Ah! but' thou sayest, 'I fear I shall be sick and shall be deprived of his ordinances.' Nevertheless, he shall visit thee on thy sick bed, and sit by thy side to give the consolation. 'Ah! but I have distresses greater than you can conceive of; wave upon wave rolleth over me; deep calleth unto deep at the noise of the Eternal's waterspouts.' Nevertheless, he will be faithful to his promise. 'Ah! but I have sinned.' So thou hast, but sin cannot sever thee from his love; he loves thee still. Think not, O poor downcast child of God, because the scars of thine old sins have marred thy beauty, that he loves thee less becuase of that blemish. Oh, no! He loves thee when he foreknew thy sin; he loved thee with the knowledge of what the aggregate of thy wickedness would be; and he does not love the less now. Come to him in all boldness of faith; tell him thou hast grieved him, and he will forget thy wandering, and will receive thee again, the kisses of his love shall be bestowed upon thee, and the arms of his grace shall embrace thee. He is faithful: trust him; he will never deceive you; trust him, he will never leave you."

--C.H. Spurgeon, Sermon: The Comforter

These words spoke to my heart this week, cut to my core. So true, so comforting to know I have someone, even when everyone leaves me in my distress. Praise God for His Grace!

Man's Greatest Enemy

The Joy of Submitting

So this morning, my pastor spoke on paradoxes. And spoke on that verse ((which, the reference entirely slips my mind)) about whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life will keep it for eternal life.
I am sure you know that verse, but anyways, he was saying what that looked like. He gave out three points, and all of them had to do with dying to your own will, and submitting to God's.

Right now in my life, I have things that I need to let go and submit to whatever God has for me.

One of them, I've carried with me for a long time, long over two years...I hurt myself a few years back from addiction, and I've dealt with the consequences and physical pain from that every day since then. It took a long time to get me to the stage where I decided it was part of life, and that it would never go away. And that it was the will of God that it never would go away, and that I had to deal with it forever.
But now I might have the opportunity to see about the pain again. Went to the docs for it a few years ago, but gave up after a while. Now might see to it again... and over the last few months I've decided I didn't want it...but now I have to be ready to submit to whatever God has for me.
Which is hard. I want to be done with this pain, and God might make me have it forever. I need to be ready to submit to it.

And also, letting people go--letting people go on with their lives, and not holding people so closely--that's what I deal with a lot.  I have to let it all go sometimes.

And I know that that when I let go of my will-when MY will dies, and I submit to God's--I experience joy like none other. I know in the back of my head, that I need to let go of my wants, and my will, and submit to God. Need to trust in Him.
In the past, when I've learned to submit to Him--the joy that comes afterwards is like none other. And in the end, when I don't understand at the time,  afterwards I can look back and smile, because I understand a bit about how things worked out.
I mean, God's protected me from hurt and heartbreak, and sorrows. So much--it makes me feel so loved by God. Everything is for a reason, and God's will is so much better than mine, and the end is so much sweeter than I know right now.
Need to remember to do this again, because I'll have to do it so many more times in my life.
Needed to hear that sermon. Needed to get this out.
It's so hard to do, but in the end it will be so worth it.

God Bless,
  A.W.

On Loneliness

"What is loneliness but a sad story, long ignored and forgotten?
Is it just a sin un-dealt with and rotten?
Or is the cure, as they so often teach today, friends?
Is that the cure for lonely spirits, hiding in their dens?
So they tell you mortal men will always understand and always be there.
But it won't take long for reality to sink in and show you, you can't always be in a pair.
For your friends might be there on the weekends, but never there 24/7
How comforting it is to know you have a Father in Heaven
Here you have someone immortal, and always there to pour everything out.
And He is there healing and listening without a doubt
Fellowship with the Father is the only lasting cure to a lonesome spirit,
Time with man is no where near it.
For man's life is only a vapor, only a breathe
So easily shaken by death.
Even when no one casts a glance at you, and when the pitiful feelings sink in
The world has not succeeded in pulling you down, no, the world will not win.
Even when your friends don't care and stop to chill,
Your empty heart, your Heavenly Father will never cease to fill."

God Bless,
  A.W.

Some Spurgeon

"Men will allow God to be everywhere but on his throne. They will allow him to be in his workshop to fashion worlds and make stars. They will allow Him to be in His almonry to dispense His alms and bestow his bounties. they will allow Him to sustain the earth and bear up the pillars thereof, or light the lamps of heaven, or rule the waves of the ever-moving ocean; but when God ascends Hes throne, His creatures then gnash their teeth. And we proclaim an enthroned God, and His right to do as He wills with His own, to dispose of His creatures as He thinks well, without consulting them in the matter; then it is that we are hissed and execrated, and then it is that men turn a deaf ear to us, for God on His throne is not the God they love. But it is God upon the throne that we love to preach. It is God upon His throne whom we trust."


"There are times when solitude is better than society, and silence is wiser than speech. We should be better Christians if we were more alone, waiting upon God, and gathering through meditation on His Word spiritual strength for labour in his service. We ought to muse upon the things of God, because we thus get the real nutriment out of them. . . . Why is it that some Christians, although they hear many sermons, make but slow advances in the divine life? Because they neglect their closets, and do not thoughtfully meditate on God's Word. They love the wheat, but they do not grind it; they would have the corn, but they will not go forth into the fields to gather it; the fruit hangs upon the tree, but they will not pluck it; the water flows at their feet, but they will not stoop to drink it. From such folly deliver us, O Lord. . . ."

--C.H. Spurgeon

God Bless,
  A.W.

Random Video I Made

Not very good though, but It was my first try. So at least give me that. Anyways, decided to put a poem I wrote about people who struggle with depression/addictions to music and some photos.
Seen lots of people do it before, think I did it a bit too fast though. But...lesson learned at least. Here it is.

God Bless,
  A.W.

Choppy

To explain the things going through my mind this week would make this post end up being entirely long. So instead, I've decided to just post a poem explaining myself. It's rather choppy, and it doesn't flow all that well, but I'm too lazy to edit it. It's alright for now.

'Worth Fighting For'

"It's always been easy to run alone
And only stop to help a friend who falls
It's easy to block out any other wounded man's groans
It's easy to ignore a stranger who crawls.

It's easy to ignore it all,
And keep at my run
At least until God breaks me down to a crawl
Then it all comes crashing down, with the simple fact that I am not done.

I am not done with my past
From my knees I look back
To the sorrow and pain that still lasts
I realize the love I lack.

I lack the love to see my family who was in darkness and at war,
I've blocked out their screams and cries
To me, all that mattered was that I was sore
To me, all that mattered was my battle of lies.

In my heart, to my core, it's always been about me
It's always been about my sin to kill
All that mattered was whether or not I could be freed.
But now with brokenness, my Commander has me filled.

As I get up, my body is shaking,
My friends are screaming at me to press on
They know I'm not faking
But I know to turn forward and run away is wrong.

Running back to pick up the pieces of my past
Gathering up all the hurt and pain
I commit myself to putting it in words that will last
No longer will I be afraid to be caught in the rain.

I've never known someone so selfish as me
Who did their best to throw everything away
I refuse to let everything just be
I will not stop till it is all out on the tray.

My broken self keeps me p and fighting
I see a need, and out of my heart the lessons learned pour
Because now I know what's worth writing
Because there are people worth writing for.

I don't care if everyone is telling me to leave it
I'm not stopping while there are people dying
So I'm gathering every bit
And not giving up trying.

I won't let anyone tell me it's not worth it
I won't let them say it's just a chore
Because in truth, they're worth every bit
Because in truth, people are out there worth fighting for."

Yeah...I feel like I could have done better. But I am going to leave it there for now.

God Bless,
  A.W.