Dancing In The Rain

"God has sent this rain
God has blessed me with this pain.
He has sent these dark clouds to cover the sky
He has sent these raindrops to wash away the tears I cry.
For so long I believed to be cursed
Never cared to stop before the clouds burst
The drops starting merely at a patter,
Opening my eyes to see what mattered.
But by then it was all too late
I thought I'd chosen my own tragic fate
As the thunder cracked above,
I couldn't see how this pain was given out of love
But in time He showed me reasons
And let the rain soften and harden in seasons
Never has He given me full shelter from the storm
But only enough to keep me alive and warm
Though washed away are all my stains
I still stand in unceasing rains
Never may I again see the sky so clear
But never have I felt my God so near.
So many reasons have been revealed to me
And the ultimate reason I finally can see
For all they ever said was that the storm was a test
Never did they say that God only does what is best
Never did they say it was all out of love
Never have I found such joy in these clouds above
Oh how this love has taken away the bitter chill
Oh what peace I've been given when there hasn't yet been a still
What a grace it is to raise these arms up against the harsh drops
To spin around and dance, knowing the rain might never stop.
Though the ground has become wet so I may slip and fall
My God will always hear me when I call.
Even as the thunder crashes, making me look above
I am reminded of how the storm is sent out of love.
For this is how much my God cares for me
That in this storm He's given me the will to let it all be
To be finished with all this groaning and sighing
To let the rain wash away the tears I've been crying
So what a blessing these dark clouds have been
What a blessing it is to smile and up to the heavens raise my chin
And though the rain splatters against my face
Never have I felt such unceasing grace.
Oh God, teach me how to rejoice in the storm of this pain
Oh God, teach me how to dance in this rain."

He Loves Me

I attended the last Resolved conference this weekend. Though disappointed in some of the people I went with, the preaching and worship was incredible. The greatest thing I pulled away from the weekend was this: God loves me.

On the last day, after the first session in the morning I met up with a lady who used to tutor me. She stopped tutoring me a couple years back when her husband went Home to meet the Lord. They were an older couple, both kind, loved God so much.
I attended the memorial service, and that was the last time I saw my tutor. So I was excited to see her again; she asked about school, and what I was going to do with my life. After I had talked some I asked what was new with her. She started naming off some things like one of her daughters getting a boyfriend who seems quite serious, and at last, in a tight yet soft voice she said, "And missing Mr. D."  The moment she said that, tears filled her eyes, and I felt tears fill my own. She said she wasn't sure what God wanted her to do next.  And off that, somehow we got to talking about physical pain. I ended up telling her of my chronic pain, and she told me that her chronic arthritis  had started when she was 25.
We have both been fighters; her being one with years of experience, much more than I. But all the same, we both spoke the same, of not letting pain ruin our lives, or how we live. It was good to have someone I could so easily relate to in this area. Someone who thought how I did about pain.
From pain, we spoke of God's purposes in it. And how He has used it in both our lives. And from God's purposes, we spoke of Home and how glorious it will be. She told me about how having her husband gone has made her think more of Home than ever before. Daily she would think of how sweet Eternity will be. I told her that my pain reminds me that this earth is not Home, that from the pain, I look all the more to Eternity. How comforting it is to know that this is the closest to Hell we will ever get. In full we had a wonderful conversation; both on the brink of tears, we talked of our Great Father, His purposes, and our Home.

So in light of that conversation, the next sermon that we heard was about the future glory of the Church. Steve Lawson preached an incredible sermon, and at one point went off about the love of God. The line that hit me the hardest was, 'God does what is best'. 
Then I realized that everything that comes my way; even trials and thorns put in my life are not only to change me. But over that, because He loves me.
He gives us thorns because that is what is best. Him doing what is best is Him saying that He loves us.
God gave me chronic pain because He loves me.
God took away Mr. D because He loves Mrs. D.

But too often we think that anything that goes wrong in our lives is because we have done wrong. Too often we take things as a curse from God.  We have formed a terrible perspective from the world, that only when good things happen does God show His love towards us. And maybe we don't see right away the reasons why bad things happen. But that doesn't mean that it must be for a bad reason. Even when it is a tragic thing.
My perspective once again has been so changed this weekend. I've come this far, after over two and a half years, to realize that this thorn is a blessing in disguise.
Perhaps God is preparing me for a lifetime of chronic pain--but whatever it ma be, no longer does this pain feel like a curse. God gave it to me because He loves me.

The feeling I have had over the last two days is like none other. I didn't cry while listening to the sermon, I cried alone a bit in the bathroom an hour later, before the group of people I was with dragged me to the mall.
It's funny how you can cry, be red in the face and have watery eyes, and yet no one cares to notice.
But even as I sat alone on a bench in the mall, I felt so overwhelmed by my realization. The weight of God's love enough to make my body tremble, even as I walked alone though the mall. I fought back tears, because there were no words to describe the weight I felt.
God loves me was all that ran through my head.
God loves me.
God loves me.

The weight of that love is beyond anything words can ever describe. I can't speak of it, not even write this post without tears.
Sure I have known that God loves me. But in light of my trials and pains, it has never been so powerful as it has today.
I can go through trials and take these thorns as blessings. He gives them to me because He knows that this is what is best for me. He does what is best for me because He loves me.
He loves me.
He not only gives, but He takes away. He does what is best for His children. Sometimes Him taking away our loved ones is what is best. It is not always so tragic as we think first off. He does what is best for us, even though it can be hard.
So that is what I've brought back; that is what has caused all of these tears over the last two days.
God. Loves. Me.

God Bless,
  A.W.

Dear Pain,

This is a poem to my pain, that I wrote yesterday.
I hate that it makes me feel like being depressed, hate it so much. Tempted to fall into depression this week. And out of that resistance came this poem..


"You cannot break into this soul,
Even when the pain is full.
You can make your living here
But to my life you cannot draw near.
You cannot push me down,
You cannot keep these lips forever in a frown.
You cannot rule my life,
Nor can you drive me to take my breath away by a knife
You can make your bed in my fallen state
Start your work in the early morning and keep me up late
You may steal my sleep
And try to pull me into the deep
Make my future bleak
Make me tired and weak.
You can enjoy and stay,
You never have to go away
Unless my Saviour commands you to go,
I accept that you might never show.
You may stab and burn,
But through every pain I have a lesson to learn
You will not take control of the depression I feel
Though you can make it so I never heal
So I say one last time, that you may stay here,
but to my soul you shall not draw near."

Love

I know, the title of this post probably makes you think of romance and such, but that's not what it's about. This is about loving your brothers and sisters in Christ. Often, we associate loving the brethren by encouraging and being uplifting to them. Never saying a harmful or offensive word.
And too often, this mindset keeps us from really helping each other grow in godliness. I think we miss that and hold back the truth from our brothers and sisters in Christ. And holding truth back can be more harmful to them than preaching hard truths to them.
Sometimes you have to "destroy" a person to really love them. Sometimes you have to say the hard things that will break their thinking down, that will challenge what they believe.
Real love is truthful. If you really love someone you will tell them the truth. To keep them from destroying themselves, to keep them from hurting others.
You don't really love people if you always agree with them, and won't tell them when they are wrong.
To love someone is to be truthful, even if it's hard, and even when you know it might "destroy" them. The truth is never easy to tell. True love speaks truth. True love holds nothing back.

God Bless,
  A.W.