Monday, July 2, 2012
It has been a rough two days. Dealing with the side effects of anti-depressants. Not much fun at all. In fact, I've grown frustrated to the point of tears. My normal pain mixed with other pain in the same general area is not fun whatsoever.
I have had so much trouble today that by now, that heavy weight in my chest has finally come...the weight in your chest when you just want to be done with everything. A little part of me wants to just give up on it all, and be upset at this messed up body again. Part of me wants to just give up and give into the weight of depression inside. But upon thinking over all of this, I reminded myself that all was for a purpose, every tiny detail.
Perspective. Too often it's easy for me to give into having the wrong perspective and stay that way. It's too easy for me to hate my body, and hate myself for falling into depression. It's too easy for me to give into my old ways.
It's hard to maintain the right perspective when you're in pain and when that weight of depression comes back to you. It's hard to keep it when it's just so easy to fall.
But tonight, the reminder that God has a purpose for everything that happens is what has given me peace. That reminder hasn't taken that weight away, but it has made up my mind to not give in.
There could be so many reasons why I have had two terrible days with these side effects.
Maybe God has put them in my life to tell me that anti-depressants won't help me with my pain, maybe He's using this to save me another month and a half taking these meds. Maybe He is telling me to move on to the next thing.
Or perhaps He is reminding me of the reason why I write "Please Don't Give Up Tonight" on my wrist almost every day. Sure not every day I feel depressed, or want to give up on living, but I still write it. Perhaps He is reminding me that those aren't just pointless words. Perhaps He is reminding me that I don't write those words on my wrist so people will ask. Perhaps He is reminding me not to give up--and to fight past pain and depression and go on with life. And not shut down on people, and to not stop working.
Or maybe He has given me these days so that I could once again re-center my focus and perspective in hard times.
I don't know why He has given me these days, but He has given them to me for a reason. And maybe I can't see that right away, and maybe I will never see it, but the thought alone gives me all the more endurance to hold on. Because He has a purpose and I am a tool in His Hand. Need to maintain the right perspective in my situation and be willing to be used in whatever way He chooses.
That's what I need to remind myself tonight. Because there is a reason why I write, "Please Don't Give Up Tonight," on my wrist. There is a reason to everything that happens. And that is a comforting reminder to me, something to pull me through the pain and depression. God has a plan, a perfect one.