Perspective

It has been a rough two days. Dealing with the side effects of anti-depressants. Not much fun at all. In fact, I've grown frustrated to the point of tears. My normal pain mixed with other pain in the same general area is not fun whatsoever.
I have had so much trouble today that by now, that heavy weight in my chest has finally come...the weight in your chest when you just want to be done with everything. A little part of me wants to just give up on it all, and be upset at this messed up body again. Part of me wants to just give up and give into the weight of depression inside. But upon thinking over all of this, I reminded myself that all was for a purpose, every tiny detail.

Perspective. Too often it's easy for me to give into having the wrong perspective and stay that way. It's too easy for me to hate my body, and hate myself for falling into depression. It's too easy for me to give into my old ways.
It's hard to maintain the right perspective when you're in pain and when that weight of depression comes back to you. It's hard to keep it when it's just so easy to fall.
But tonight, the reminder that God has a purpose for everything that happens is what has given me peace.  That reminder hasn't taken that weight away, but it has made up my mind to not give in.
There could be so many reasons why I have had two terrible days with these side effects.
Maybe God has put them in my life to tell me that anti-depressants won't help me with my pain, maybe He's using this to save me another month and a half taking these meds. Maybe He is telling me to move on to the next thing.

Or perhaps He is reminding me of the reason why I write "Please Don't Give Up Tonight" on my wrist almost every day. Sure not every day I feel depressed, or want to give up on living, but I still write it. Perhaps He is reminding me that those aren't just pointless words. Perhaps He is reminding me that I don't write those words on my wrist so people will ask. Perhaps He is reminding me not to give up--and to fight past pain and depression and go on with life. And not shut down on people, and to not stop working.

Or maybe He has given me these days so that I could once again re-center my focus and perspective in hard times.
I don't know why He has given me these days, but He has given them to me for a reason. And maybe I can't see that right away, and maybe I will never see it, but the thought alone gives me all the more endurance to hold on. Because He has a purpose and I am a tool in His Hand. Need to maintain the right perspective in my situation and be willing to be used in whatever way He chooses.
That's what I need to remind myself tonight. Because there is a reason why I write, "Please Don't Give Up Tonight," on my wrist. There is a reason to everything that happens. And that is a comforting reminder to me, something to pull me through the pain and depression. God has a plan, a perfect one.

God Bless,
  A.W.

Last Year

I hadn't thought much about last year until today. It was around this time a year ago that I was in sinking into the depths of depression. It was around this time that I spent a whole day crying and sleeping because I didn't understand what God had planned. Last year around this time was a nightmare.
And the thing that made me so depressed then is the same thing that I am dealing with now.
That is, the consequences of my addiction.
Today I realized how much has happened, and how little I feel that I have changed.
So much has happened; good and bad. I switched churches, I finally got to go to England, I got baptized, I got to rebuild/build stronger relationships with people. So much has happened!
And yet, I look back to where I was a year ago and I find it hard to see myself different in any way. It seems like everything around me has changed except me.
That's a bit scary to think about.
But when I go deeper, I realize that last year, God was quickly taking the people who had impacted me so greatly away. He took some of the strongest Christians I knew out of my life, and let me be alone. Sure it hurt. But that's how He had me grow.
He put people into my life, and He showed me that it's not about me, it's about them. I had to put down my walls altogether, and be honest and open, so that it would effect others.
The more I thought about the last year, the more I have realized how much I have changed. God took people away so that I could use the things I learned from those people to change others.
That's one area where I have grown and changed so much.

The other thing that God has taught me, and is still teaching me like always is patience. Patience and faith. For me, they go hand in hand. I have suffered the consequences of my addiction for long over a year. And my body still hurts now.
I think of how my attitude has changed towards the pain, and I see that I have become better at ignoring it and pushing it away. It's just part of life for me, and it's okay to hurt. I used to pray to God to let it stay, as long as it kept me away from falling back into addiction.
I know inside I want to be free from pain, but I tell God over and over that it's okay if He has it stay for as long as I live. It's okay if He never takes it away. It's my consequence. And if it keeps me from things, then that's okay. Because God has a plan in it, and I don't have to worry.
But still, at times, I wonder if He will ever take it away. It is coming close to two years now, and sometimes I still wonder if it will ever go away.
It's a challenge to be patient, and it's a challenge to trust in His plan.
So in a way, I look back and see how everything, and even me has changed. But then again, I look back and see that I am still in the same spot, facing the same things. And I still pray that no matter what happens, I will not do what I did a year ago, facing these things and break down into depression. I pray that God will lead me through it all and that He will grow me so that I may handle this the right way.

God Bless,
  A.W.