Thoughts From Year Four

 One of the biggest things I am regretting and that I am ashamed of is how I have dealt with my chronic pain. I have been so ashamed to look back and realize how poorly I have handled my situation.
This is my fourth year of being in pain a different level of pain every day. And this is the beginning of a full year that I have finally gained the right perspective on my pain.
It makes me ashamed to think that for the first two and a half years of my chronic pain, I had a horrible perspective. I let myself be hardened towards views that effect me even today. But what gets to me most of all was the fact of how long it took me to get to the right perspective. Two and a half years. That was over half of my time having chronic pain.

I started out thinking that it was something I had brought upon myself. That somehow it had come out as a consequence of my addiction. I was ignorant and thought I had the ability to screw myself up in a way that could never be fixed. I thought that God Himself had cursed me. I literally thought He hated me and had cursed me with a pain that had come out of my addiction. I don't remember distinctly, hearing sermons or reading books on suffering through trials. I know If I ever did, I surely thought that it was hard to rejoice when God Himself has cursed you. I couldn't bring myself to rejoice in anything of the sort. I was miserable, and too ashamed to tell anyone.

And once I finally told people I started believing that it wasn't God cursing me, it was just my fault. I hated myself. I led myself into believing I had no future. And in telling that to myself; I gained hard views towards things like marriage and having children. I wanted to hate myself for ever wanting anything of the sort. It was in that period in time that I gained horrible views. The ones  I still struggle with today.

When I was coming out of that a bit more I know there was a brief time I would shake my fists at God. When the Doctors said it wasn't anything that I had done, and that it was random and they didn't know what was wrong. And when they told me it was all in my head. For that brief time in my life I was angry that I was in a situation like that. I was. To my deepest shame I was.

Once I had repented of being angry at my God, I decided that I wasn't meant to be happy with things on earth. I was meant to only find my happiness in Christ and Him alone. And I was given and unsolvable pain that I had to use as a tool for writing to help others. I thought that I'd die young and that I wasn't meant to enjoy life here. "All Work and No Play" definitely would have been my motto!
And even at this point I had pushed away any hope of a future, still in a way, maintaining the bad views I had gained before.

And it was only this last year that God really gave me the right view I think it is. It was over last year that God softened my heart on my bad views. And in that last year I realized that God wants me to actually enjoy Him and enjoy where He has put me, and in whatever situation I am. Even when I'm not feeling as good at 96%.  And I realized last year that He gave me pain because it was what was best, and He did what was best because He loves me. Not because I was cursed or anything of the sort. And this is where it's left today.

Over the last few months, going to therapy, God's given me some days that I never deserved. Not entirely without pain, but without much. Which is incredible as it is.
I am so loved By God, and I don't deserve any of it. As I look back I see my errors. To my deepest shame I wish I could have done it differently. My hope to all people who are starting out with health issues that no one knows what's wrong is that they wouldn't go through the emotional/mental process I did of having the wrong perspective. The wrong perspective can be killer.
I am ashamed to look back. But at the same time feel so loved by my Gracious Heavenly Father.

God Bless,
  A.W.

A Few Thoughts On The Internet

There are many false ideas that people have about the internet. Often times they think if you make a friend online they are going to ask to meet up with you and then kill you. They only think creepers inhabit the internet; and it's a dangerous place to be.
And more often than not, if one spends a decent amount of time on the internet each day; it's considered a waste of time. Many people don't understand how much benefit we can get from the internet.
I think many adults have not adapted well to the internet; because a lot of them always bring up negative things and say it's all a waste.
I'd disagree of course. As a writer I'd disagree.
Because as a writer I need inspiration; and there are websites that spark that in me. I use those to give me inspiration. And not only is the internet for my inspiration, but it is also where my opportunities are.
The internet has a horrible reputation of only having "fake" people on it, who just want attention. But I strongly disagree. While there are a fair amount of creepers and "fakers" on websites; the internet has always been the safest place for young people to open up and share their heart with others.
And no, I'm not talking about Facebook, I'm talking about forums where their identity is hidden behind a username where no one could possibly find them.
I have discovered over the last few years that my opportunities have been all the more great on the internet. For a person who hasn't many places in life to help people, the internet is a vast and needy place to be a light. I have gotten so many opportunities over the last few years on various websites, and through them have made the closest friends.
I post my writing on forums in hopes that God will use it; and so far He has a wee bit. You might never know what opportunities you might have until you put yourself out there. And daring to be open is worth that risk.
So I don't think that the internet is all just one big waste, it is the place where opportunities are vast. And you will never really understand that until you dare to put yourself out there.
You might never know what you are missing if you never take a chance.

God Bless,
  A.W.

Grief

"I say with grief that there are too many of us
I say there are too many chained to hate and lust.
There are too many struggling in the dark
There are too many who bear these red marks.
They hide them with bracelets and bands
What they themselves have done with shaking hands.
They know not what pain they bring
They know not how their actions sting.
They know not what damage to family they can do
And how blinded by their chains they are too.
They tell their friends great lies
Assuming that no one will understand their cries.
They understand not what they'll be leaving
They know not how their families will be grieving.
They know not what deep scars they'll make
They know not how many pieces of broken hearts they'll take.
They think their safe haven will be in the grave,
Because they know not who has the power to Save.
But to the world and themselves they are at loss,
Not knowing that their only Hope is in the Cross."


God Bless
  A.W.