Monday, January 21, 2013
Thoughts From Year Four
One of the biggest things I am regretting and that I am ashamed of is how I have dealt with my chronic pain. I have been so ashamed to look back and realize how poorly I have handled my situation.
This is my fourth year of being in pain a different level of pain every day. And this is the beginning of a full year that I have finally gained the right perspective on my pain.
It makes me ashamed to think that for the first two and a half years of my chronic pain, I had a horrible perspective. I let myself be hardened towards views that effect me even today. But what gets to me most of all was the fact of how long it took me to get to the right perspective. Two and a half years. That was over half of my time having chronic pain.
I started out thinking that it was something I had brought upon myself. That somehow it had come out as a consequence of my addiction. I was ignorant and thought I had the ability to screw myself up in a way that could never be fixed. I thought that God Himself had cursed me. I literally thought He hated me and had cursed me with a pain that had come out of my addiction. I don't remember distinctly, hearing sermons or reading books on suffering through trials. I know If I ever did, I surely thought that it was hard to rejoice when God Himself has cursed you. I couldn't bring myself to rejoice in anything of the sort. I was miserable, and too ashamed to tell anyone.
And once I finally told people I started believing that it wasn't God cursing me, it was just my fault. I hated myself. I led myself into believing I had no future. And in telling that to myself; I gained hard views towards things like marriage and having children. I wanted to hate myself for ever wanting anything of the sort. It was in that period in time that I gained horrible views. The ones I still struggle with today.
When I was coming out of that a bit more I know there was a brief time I would shake my fists at God. When the Doctors said it wasn't anything that I had done, and that it was random and they didn't know what was wrong. And when they told me it was all in my head. For that brief time in my life I was angry that I was in a situation like that. I was. To my deepest shame I was.
Once I had repented of being angry at my God, I decided that I wasn't meant to be happy with things on earth. I was meant to only find my happiness in Christ and Him alone. And I was given and unsolvable pain that I had to use as a tool for writing to help others. I thought that I'd die young and that I wasn't meant to enjoy life here. "All Work and No Play" definitely would have been my motto!
And even at this point I had pushed away any hope of a future, still in a way, maintaining the bad views I had gained before.
And it was only this last year that God really gave me the right view I think it is. It was over last year that God softened my heart on my bad views. And in that last year I realized that God wants me to actually enjoy Him and enjoy where He has put me, and in whatever situation I am. Even when I'm not feeling as good at 96%. And I realized last year that He gave me pain because it was what was best, and He did what was best because He loves me. Not because I was cursed or anything of the sort. And this is where it's left today.
Over the last few months, going to therapy, God's given me some days that I never deserved. Not entirely without pain, but without much. Which is incredible as it is.
I am so loved By God, and I don't deserve any of it. As I look back I see my errors. To my deepest shame I wish I could have done it differently. My hope to all people who are starting out with health issues that no one knows what's wrong is that they wouldn't go through the emotional/mental process I did of having the wrong perspective. The wrong perspective can be killer.
I am ashamed to look back. But at the same time feel so loved by my Gracious Heavenly Father.