My Constant Prayer

I wrote this poem, aimed at how my conversations with God go these days...because this Thursday I get to go to the docs, and this is the last chance they have to find something wrong with me. Because I've been in pain every day for over two years, and no one can figure out why.
So I wrote this, as my prayer to God. What I keep praying over and over throughout the day.

"For you, O God, know my pain, and know I'm sick
You know that this isn't something that I wanted to pick
But you've pulled me through, long over two years.
You've used it to draw me near
You have a plan, a better one than mine,
And for that reason alone, I haven't the right to whine.
You know I hurt, and You give me grace to face the day
Even when in my bed I lay.
For You are good and just in the outcome You've chosen.
You've used it to make me from the world so loosened.

You may have an answer and a cure,
I know You hold me dear.
And You would never put me through this if You didn't think it was for the best
Either way, I know in the end I'll have rest.
If You have me cured, then praise God for His Grace!
Praise God for His Mercy in this tough race.
Let this be ended and used for Your greater glory
Use this as my story.

But even if they say I am just a walking body without a future here
Remind me that You are still near.
For my future is up above
My future is in Christ, whose arms are opened in love
With the hope of heaven, what other motivation do I need here?
If all I have is in Christ, what great loss should I fear?

For whether I am cured or stay in pain,
I know from this world there's nothing I will gain.
So let me live to the fullest, with the end in mind
With eternity in highest thought, all of me this world cannot bind.
Let me write each day as if it my last,
Let me write out all I've learned from the past.
Let it all me a light, use it as You will.
And never cease to keep me filled.
Use this suffering and pain for Your glory
Let me never spend a moment in future worry.
Set my eyes on today.
Give me the right things to say.
Don't let my life go to waste, break me down if You must.
For whatever happens, I know in my Faithful God I will trust."

God Bless,
  A.W.

The Joy of Submitting

So this morning, my pastor spoke on paradoxes. And spoke on that verse ((which, the reference entirely slips my mind)) about whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life will keep it for eternal life.
I am sure you know that verse, but anyways, he was saying what that looked like. He gave out three points, and all of them had to do with dying to your own will, and submitting to God's.

Right now in my life, I have things that I need to let go and submit to whatever God has for me.

One of them, I've carried with me for a long time, long over two years...I hurt myself a few years back from addiction, and I've dealt with the consequences and physical pain from that every day since then. It took a long time to get me to the stage where I decided it was part of life, and that it would never go away. And that it was the will of God that it never would go away, and that I had to deal with it forever.
But now I might have the opportunity to see about the pain again. Went to the docs for it a few years ago, but gave up after a while. Now might see to it again... and over the last few months I've decided I didn't want it...but now I have to be ready to submit to whatever God has for me.
Which is hard. I want to be done with this pain, and God might make me have it forever. I need to be ready to submit to it.

And also, letting people go--letting people go on with their lives, and not holding people so closely--that's what I deal with a lot.  I have to let it all go sometimes.

And I know that that when I let go of my will-when MY will dies, and I submit to God's--I experience joy like none other. I know in the back of my head, that I need to let go of my wants, and my will, and submit to God. Need to trust in Him.
In the past, when I've learned to submit to Him--the joy that comes afterwards is like none other. And in the end, when I don't understand at the time,  afterwards I can look back and smile, because I understand a bit about how things worked out.
I mean, God's protected me from hurt and heartbreak, and sorrows. So much--it makes me feel so loved by God. Everything is for a reason, and God's will is so much better than mine, and the end is so much sweeter than I know right now.
Need to remember to do this again, because I'll have to do it so many more times in my life.
Needed to hear that sermon. Needed to get this out.
It's so hard to do, but in the end it will be so worth it.

God Bless,
  A.W.