Messy

Been meaning to write this post for a while now, but I haven't found the words. Hopefully I've got my thoughts collected now.
Over this past year as I finally have gained the courage to look back at past years without so much shame, I realized something important. Relationships are messy. They really are.
Of course, you hear people saying that all the time, but for me, at least, people can tell me things all day, but a lot has to happen to actually make something real to me.
When I first started realizing how messy my relationships with people were it hurt. It made me want to give up on everyone. But thinking about it more made me realize that even though I have had too many people who I'd grown close to stab me in the back and such, I realized that I grew and learned something through all of those.
Each and every one of them. Looking at my life now, and the people who I know, I see a bit of how God's used them to change me.
Before, I never really viewed friendships like that. I never thought that through every relationship there is something to be learned.
It's nice to have those one of two people in your life who you never fight with or anything. And yet, those people are so few.
They say that the closest of friends fight, but then make up in the end. People say that conflicts bring you closer.
I can see that, I understand that. The hard thing for me is to decide whether or not I should draw the line between who I should try to make friends with again or not. Not saying I just leave things undone, no, no, always be ready to forgive.
What I am saying is that I wonder sometimes if I am a fool to keep reaching out to the same people who continually stab me in the back. Seems like I never learn. But perhaps I do learn...perhaps I just do it because I'm not ready to give up on any of them.
I've learned over this year that making friends is risky, at least in my life it is.
It would be easy to not take the risks. It would be easy to go along with the people I am closest to and not make an effort with people who I've gotten into conflict with. Life would be so simple without others.
But of course, we're all sinful. And we all have our flaws.
Think mine shows more than other peoples' do though.
I definitely have my fights with people. Most are my bad. But my point still rests, at least in my life, that relationships are messy.
And yet, even through all the conflicts and fights, I know God is changing both of us, growing us too. And even through the betrayals, relationships are still worth it.

God Bless,
  A.W.

A Different Perspective

On Sunday my pastor preached a great sermon on being thankful.
And in his prayer he presented to us a new perspective of what we should be thankful for. As Thanksgiving comes around, we always say that we are thankful for all the things like a house to live in, food to eat, family to be close to, friends to hang out with, and so on and so forth. Now, not saying that being thankful for those things is wrong.
No, that's not wrong. But in his closing prayer, my pastor began naming off things like, "I am thankful for the alarm going off in the morning, because then I know I am alive. I am thankful for the huge electric bill that comes at the end of the month, because it means that we are comfortable." He named off a list of these things.
And it made me think.
We always are naming off the good things in life, but what about the other things such as trials and things that just plain annoy us?
Thinking about it, I felt like making out a list. And so here's what it would be.

I am thankful for my imperfect body, because with a perfect body I would have little endurance.
I am thankful for every bit of pain I feel that I have caused, because without it, I would not have a constant reminder of what I have done, and even more, what God has done for me.
I am thankful for conflict because without it, I would be more easily hurt and wounded.
I am thankful for the betrayals I have had in the past, because without them I would not have learned to take risks with people.
I am thankful for debates and discussions between Christians, because without them I would not grow as I have.
I am almost thankful for the past I have because without it, I would not be able to connect with people like I do.
And I think, even part of me is thankful that I still struggle because without a struggle and hatred of myself, I would have no want to go Home.

So there you have what I have been thinking about.

God Bless,
  A.W.

Keeping a Promise

Last Summer I made a promise. I made a promise to a friend to write her story out. God had given me the story I needed to write out what I wanted to say to the world.
I lost communication with my friend last December. Never heard back from her.
Over the months, I've developed the story I had, and now it's become the story I've been writing for NaNoWriMo. Part of me is screaming to give up, because no one will understand it, or at least no one will find it interesting.
All last week I was worrying about my WC. But finally I've set my mind on just trying to get my story done.
Part of me wonders why I keep writing. Was thinking about my friend this morning. Read emails that were sent last Summer when I told her my idea. She was thrilled by the idea. But then again, it is pretty much her story.
I hate being that person who can't be counted on. Who will back out because they think no one is watching or caring. I hate being the person who will break a promise.
I don't know my friend anymore. I don't know what happened, for all I know she could have been lying to me all those months, and now is living like the devil. Or God could have brought her Home. Either way, I am sure she has long forgotten me.  I don't know what happened.
All I know is that I pray for her every day. And I made a promise last year, and I will keep it at all costs.

I didn't want to write this story because I know that if I screw it up I'll probably give up writing. If I fail in what I want to say to the world, I might as well give up. I didn't want to write this story because I didn't think I was prepared to write it.
I need to cast all of those worries away. Not only will me writing this keep a promise, but it will finally shut the door to my past.
Sometimes I think that God gives each person something to say, or do in the world. Something specific, something that they can only do.
This is one of those things that I need to say to the world. And after I say it, the past to this story will be shut, and I never have to open it again.
I need to keep writing. This isn't about my Word Count any more.
This is about shutting a door. This is about keeping a promise.

God Bless,
  A.W.

Break

It's been nearly a week since I've posted. It's been a crazy week, and I apologize to anyone who actually still reads this blog.
I decided that I might not post much in the month of November, due to the fact that for the first time I am trying out NaNoWriMo, it's wasted me writing wise.
I'll still post things, but an actual post might not come for a bit, maybe in December. Hopefully sooner though. Who knows.
Trying hard to finish my novel, not just to say I won NaNo but to actually say I finally finished something. And if I think it's worth reading, then I'll try and get it edited well, and sent off to the publishers. Hoping it will turn out alright, because a lot depends on the outcome of this.
But off to finish it now. Hope you are all having a good November!

God Bless,
  A.W.