Been meaning to write this post for a while now, but I haven't found the words. Hopefully I've got my thoughts collected now.
Over this past year as I finally have gained the courage to look back at past years without so much shame, I realized something important. Relationships are messy. They really are.
Of course, you hear people saying that all the time, but for me, at least, people can tell me things all day, but a lot has to happen to actually make something real to me.
When I first started realizing how messy my relationships with people were it hurt. It made me want to give up on everyone. But thinking about it more made me realize that even though I have had too many people who I'd grown close to stab me in the back and such, I realized that I grew and learned something through all of those.
Each and every one of them. Looking at my life now, and the people who I know, I see a bit of how God's used them to change me.
Before, I never really viewed friendships like that. I never thought that through every relationship there is something to be learned.
It's nice to have those one of two people in your life who you never fight with or anything. And yet, those people are so few.
They say that the closest of friends fight, but then make up in the end. People say that conflicts bring you closer.
I can see that, I understand that. The hard thing for me is to decide whether or not I should draw the line between who I should try to make friends with again or not. Not saying I just leave things undone, no, no, always be ready to forgive.
What I am saying is that I wonder sometimes if I am a fool to keep reaching out to the same people who continually stab me in the back. Seems like I never learn. But perhaps I do learn...perhaps I just do it because I'm not ready to give up on any of them.
I've learned over this year that making friends is risky, at least in my life it is.
It would be easy to not take the risks. It would be easy to go along with the people I am closest to and not make an effort with people who I've gotten into conflict with. Life would be so simple without others.
But of course, we're all sinful. And we all have our flaws.
Think mine shows more than other peoples' do though.
I definitely have my fights with people. Most are my bad. But my point still rests, at least in my life, that relationships are messy.
And yet, even through all the conflicts and fights, I know God is changing both of us, growing us too. And even through the betrayals, relationships are still worth it.