My Constant Prayer

I wrote this poem, aimed at how my conversations with God go these days...because this Thursday I get to go to the docs, and this is the last chance they have to find something wrong with me. Because I've been in pain every day for over two years, and no one can figure out why.
So I wrote this, as my prayer to God. What I keep praying over and over throughout the day.

"For you, O God, know my pain, and know I'm sick
You know that this isn't something that I wanted to pick
But you've pulled me through, long over two years.
You've used it to draw me near
You have a plan, a better one than mine,
And for that reason alone, I haven't the right to whine.
You know I hurt, and You give me grace to face the day
Even when in my bed I lay.
For You are good and just in the outcome You've chosen.
You've used it to make me from the world so loosened.

You may have an answer and a cure,
I know You hold me dear.
And You would never put me through this if You didn't think it was for the best
Either way, I know in the end I'll have rest.
If You have me cured, then praise God for His Grace!
Praise God for His Mercy in this tough race.
Let this be ended and used for Your greater glory
Use this as my story.

But even if they say I am just a walking body without a future here
Remind me that You are still near.
For my future is up above
My future is in Christ, whose arms are opened in love
With the hope of heaven, what other motivation do I need here?
If all I have is in Christ, what great loss should I fear?

For whether I am cured or stay in pain,
I know from this world there's nothing I will gain.
So let me live to the fullest, with the end in mind
With eternity in highest thought, all of me this world cannot bind.
Let me write each day as if it my last,
Let me write out all I've learned from the past.
Let it all me a light, use it as You will.
And never cease to keep me filled.
Use this suffering and pain for Your glory
Let me never spend a moment in future worry.
Set my eyes on today.
Give me the right things to say.
Don't let my life go to waste, break me down if You must.
For whatever happens, I know in my Faithful God I will trust."

God Bless,
  A.W.

The Comforter

"But next he is a faithful Comforter. Love sometimes proven unfaithful. 'Oh! Sharper than a serpent's tooth' is an unfaithful friend! Oh! far more bitter than the gall of bitterness, to have a friend to turn from me in my distress! Oh! woe of woes, to have one who loves me in my prosperity forsake me in the dark day of my trouble. Sad indeed: but such is not God's Spirit. He ever loves, and loves even to the end--a faithful Comforter. Child of God, you are in trouble. A little while ago you found him a sweet and loving Comforter, you obtained relief from him when others were but broken cisterns; He sheltered you in his bosom and carried you in his arms. Oh, wherefore dost thou distrust him now? Away with thy fears! for he is a faithful Comforter.
'Ah! but' thou sayest, 'I fear I shall be sick and shall be deprived of his ordinances.' Nevertheless, he shall visit thee on thy sick bed, and sit by thy side to give the consolation. 'Ah! but I have distresses greater than you can conceive of; wave upon wave rolleth over me; deep calleth unto deep at the noise of the Eternal's waterspouts.' Nevertheless, he will be faithful to his promise. 'Ah! but I have sinned.' So thou hast, but sin cannot sever thee from his love; he loves thee still. Think not, O poor downcast child of God, because the scars of thine old sins have marred thy beauty, that he loves thee less becuase of that blemish. Oh, no! He loves thee when he foreknew thy sin; he loved thee with the knowledge of what the aggregate of thy wickedness would be; and he does not love the less now. Come to him in all boldness of faith; tell him thou hast grieved him, and he will forget thy wandering, and will receive thee again, the kisses of his love shall be bestowed upon thee, and the arms of his grace shall embrace thee. He is faithful: trust him; he will never deceive you; trust him, he will never leave you."

--C.H. Spurgeon, Sermon: The Comforter

These words spoke to my heart this week, cut to my core. So true, so comforting to know I have someone, even when everyone leaves me in my distress. Praise God for His Grace!

Man's Greatest Enemy

The Joy of Submitting

So this morning, my pastor spoke on paradoxes. And spoke on that verse ((which, the reference entirely slips my mind)) about whoever loves his life will lose it, and whoever hates his life will keep it for eternal life.
I am sure you know that verse, but anyways, he was saying what that looked like. He gave out three points, and all of them had to do with dying to your own will, and submitting to God's.

Right now in my life, I have things that I need to let go and submit to whatever God has for me.

One of them, I've carried with me for a long time, long over two years...I hurt myself a few years back from addiction, and I've dealt with the consequences and physical pain from that every day since then. It took a long time to get me to the stage where I decided it was part of life, and that it would never go away. And that it was the will of God that it never would go away, and that I had to deal with it forever.
But now I might have the opportunity to see about the pain again. Went to the docs for it a few years ago, but gave up after a while. Now might see to it again... and over the last few months I've decided I didn't want it...but now I have to be ready to submit to whatever God has for me.
Which is hard. I want to be done with this pain, and God might make me have it forever. I need to be ready to submit to it.

And also, letting people go--letting people go on with their lives, and not holding people so closely--that's what I deal with a lot.  I have to let it all go sometimes.

And I know that that when I let go of my will-when MY will dies, and I submit to God's--I experience joy like none other. I know in the back of my head, that I need to let go of my wants, and my will, and submit to God. Need to trust in Him.
In the past, when I've learned to submit to Him--the joy that comes afterwards is like none other. And in the end, when I don't understand at the time,  afterwards I can look back and smile, because I understand a bit about how things worked out.
I mean, God's protected me from hurt and heartbreak, and sorrows. So much--it makes me feel so loved by God. Everything is for a reason, and God's will is so much better than mine, and the end is so much sweeter than I know right now.
Need to remember to do this again, because I'll have to do it so many more times in my life.
Needed to hear that sermon. Needed to get this out.
It's so hard to do, but in the end it will be so worth it.

God Bless,
  A.W.

On Loneliness

"What is loneliness but a sad story, long ignored and forgotten?
Is it just a sin un-dealt with and rotten?
Or is the cure, as they so often teach today, friends?
Is that the cure for lonely spirits, hiding in their dens?
So they tell you mortal men will always understand and always be there.
But it won't take long for reality to sink in and show you, you can't always be in a pair.
For your friends might be there on the weekends, but never there 24/7
How comforting it is to know you have a Father in Heaven
Here you have someone immortal, and always there to pour everything out.
And He is there healing and listening without a doubt
Fellowship with the Father is the only lasting cure to a lonesome spirit,
Time with man is no where near it.
For man's life is only a vapor, only a breathe
So easily shaken by death.
Even when no one casts a glance at you, and when the pitiful feelings sink in
The world has not succeeded in pulling you down, no, the world will not win.
Even when your friends don't care and stop to chill,
Your empty heart, your Heavenly Father will never cease to fill."

God Bless,
  A.W.