I Wonder...

"Often times I wonder that after I die
Who will come to my funeral and cry.
Would there only show up faces I expect?
Or would I be surprised if I checked?
I wonder if they will stand in silence and smile
I wonder if they'll leave right away or stay awhile.
Will they remember me as God's persevering fighter?
Or will I forever remain as the quiet, coy writer?
Will they see a girl who poured out her heart?
Or a girl who let the world tear her apart?
I wonder if they'll remember the words I write
I wonder if they'll remember me as a light.
Will Christians be happy to know they'll see me again?
Or will they question if there's even a "when"?
Will they think me as a sinner simply deceived?
Or a saint gone home and relieved?
In whole, will my life be reflected to my Christ?
Or will it be a waste, without a single price?
Oh, what will my life be to God?
How I hope I'll never be found a fraud.
Oh, how I wonder what testimony I'm leaving behind
Is it one that will crush my heart and cause me to grind my teeth?
How I pray that this life will not be a waste
How I pray for it not to be done in unthinking haste.
In the end, what will all the world see?
Will anyone even care to miss me?
Oh how I pray they will remember me as God's weak and lowly fighter
Oh how I want to make God's name all the more brighter.
What a waste and shame it would be if everyone left that service without to my God, a single thought.
What a disgrace I would to my grave have brought.
But let this body, mind, and spirit be worn out,
So as they gather for my funeral they will be clear of all doubt."

Can't You Understand?

Dancing In The Rain

"God has sent this rain
God has blessed me with this pain.
He has sent these dark clouds to cover the sky
He has sent these raindrops to wash away the tears I cry.
For so long I believed to be cursed
Never cared to stop before the clouds burst
The drops starting merely at a patter,
Opening my eyes to see what mattered.
But by then it was all too late
I thought I'd chosen my own tragic fate
As the thunder cracked above,
I couldn't see how this pain was given out of love
But in time He showed me reasons
And let the rain soften and harden in seasons
Never has He given me full shelter from the storm
But only enough to keep me alive and warm
Though washed away are all my stains
I still stand in unceasing rains
Never may I again see the sky so clear
But never have I felt my God so near.
So many reasons have been revealed to me
And the ultimate reason I finally can see
For all they ever said was that the storm was a test
Never did they say that God only does what is best
Never did they say it was all out of love
Never have I found such joy in these clouds above
Oh how this love has taken away the bitter chill
Oh what peace I've been given when there hasn't yet been a still
What a grace it is to raise these arms up against the harsh drops
To spin around and dance, knowing the rain might never stop.
Though the ground has become wet so I may slip and fall
My God will always hear me when I call.
Even as the thunder crashes, making me look above
I am reminded of how the storm is sent out of love.
For this is how much my God cares for me
That in this storm He's given me the will to let it all be
To be finished with all this groaning and sighing
To let the rain wash away the tears I've been crying
So what a blessing these dark clouds have been
What a blessing it is to smile and up to the heavens raise my chin
And though the rain splatters against my face
Never have I felt such unceasing grace.
Oh God, teach me how to rejoice in the storm of this pain
Oh God, teach me how to dance in this rain."

Perspective

It has been a rough two days. Dealing with the side effects of anti-depressants. Not much fun at all. In fact, I've grown frustrated to the point of tears. My normal pain mixed with other pain in the same general area is not fun whatsoever.
I have had so much trouble today that by now, that heavy weight in my chest has finally come...the weight in your chest when you just want to be done with everything. A little part of me wants to just give up on it all, and be upset at this messed up body again. Part of me wants to just give up and give into the weight of depression inside. But upon thinking over all of this, I reminded myself that all was for a purpose, every tiny detail.

Perspective. Too often it's easy for me to give into having the wrong perspective and stay that way. It's too easy for me to hate my body, and hate myself for falling into depression. It's too easy for me to give into my old ways.
It's hard to maintain the right perspective when you're in pain and when that weight of depression comes back to you. It's hard to keep it when it's just so easy to fall.
But tonight, the reminder that God has a purpose for everything that happens is what has given me peace.  That reminder hasn't taken that weight away, but it has made up my mind to not give in.
There could be so many reasons why I have had two terrible days with these side effects.
Maybe God has put them in my life to tell me that anti-depressants won't help me with my pain, maybe He's using this to save me another month and a half taking these meds. Maybe He is telling me to move on to the next thing.

Or perhaps He is reminding me of the reason why I write "Please Don't Give Up Tonight" on my wrist almost every day. Sure not every day I feel depressed, or want to give up on living, but I still write it. Perhaps He is reminding me that those aren't just pointless words. Perhaps He is reminding me that I don't write those words on my wrist so people will ask. Perhaps He is reminding me not to give up--and to fight past pain and depression and go on with life. And not shut down on people, and to not stop working.

Or maybe He has given me these days so that I could once again re-center my focus and perspective in hard times.
I don't know why He has given me these days, but He has given them to me for a reason. And maybe I can't see that right away, and maybe I will never see it, but the thought alone gives me all the more endurance to hold on. Because He has a purpose and I am a tool in His Hand. Need to maintain the right perspective in my situation and be willing to be used in whatever way He chooses.
That's what I need to remind myself tonight. Because there is a reason why I write, "Please Don't Give Up Tonight," on my wrist. There is a reason to everything that happens. And that is a comforting reminder to me, something to pull me through the pain and depression. God has a plan, a perfect one.

God Bless,
  A.W.