Monday, October 15, 2012
There are so many things stuck in my head. If only I could find the right words to use. I know what I want to write. And yet holding back, unsure of the words to choose is turning out badly.
I feel myself slipping back into how I've been in the past, just not caring anymore about my life, and listening more to the lies I speak to myself.
It's just that I keep feeling that pull in my soul to just give up.
I guess writing is all I ever had in my life. Not that I'm incredible at it.
I think it's because of feeling I've never had anything to contribute the world. It's not like I'm a bright and encouraging person. In fact, I'm sure that I'm more of a discouragement to people; definitely a tool for sanctification. And I've never been like all the other girls in the church, I've never had the same good qualities. I've had none of that. I've never been good at anything, nor have I a good personality to make up the failure in one area.
I suppose in the end I could come up with a thousand reasons why I shouldn't be alive if I can't write.
Just today, I guess, I don't feel much reason to be alive. Sure, there are people I have tried to help and encourage, but that doesn't mean my efforts have worked at all.
At least there have been a few good things I've written, and God has seemed to use them. If only He would give me the words. I wish I would not feel so pointless as I do now.
There is so much that needs out. Even if I am the only one who understands. There's too much in my head, and not getting that out is making me too sad. Making me feel pointless. Which I know I am not, otherwise God wouldn't have me here. But right now I just don't feel the point, and it is sinking me into the state that I just don't care.
A terrifying place to be.
I guess I'm just praying I can write something better again. Anything.
I just don't want to be where I am right now. Today.