Perhaps I'm too young to be reflecting upon my life, but I can't help but reflect back to the times I used to be angry at God for the things that have played out in life and demand why He had made them come. I am reflecting back upon the two things that have had a huge impact on my life.
For one, it was how God chose to save me.
For the longest time I never told anyone how God saved me, least not the whole story.
Of course most people don't usually give the whole story, but I'm a fairly open person who doesn't care much about what people think. So it's a bigger thing to me when I won't open up.
It wasn't only the family drama that led me to salvation. It was an author who I had come to respect and look up to.
And it wasn't till a year later from when I became a Christian that I found out the author was a complete heretic. That shook me up in so many ways; too many ways that it's pathetic to try and explain to anyone else.
So much has happened involving that author, and it's changed me into who I am, and what I care about. It's changed me for the best. But it was always a hard thing. So often I had demanded to know why God had used that author. I mean, there's so many other authors writing Christian fantasy out there. I couldn't come to grips with why he would let a author become my hero who would later turn out to be a heretic. I just couldn't for so many reasons.
But as time moved on, as I come to understand theology, as I came to meet and connect with various people on that forum, as I began to write, I realized how much God had used that one man in my life.
He had used it not only for my sanctification but also used it so I would connect with others.
It hadn't been a waste.
And as I look back I see reasons why He had chosen to use that author.
I don't mention anything that relates to that much anymore, I've told enough people who haven't understood. And I know that you'd have to be through it, you'd have to be me to understand why sometimes I still cry when I look back.
So that has been one area I was reflecting upon today. And looking back I see how much God has used that, and how He has been gracious enough to show me the reasons "why" He put that in my life.
And even after all the hurt and sadness it has brought into my life in so many ways, and even though it still can make me cry, I don't regret a thing. I am thankful it was put in my life how it was.
If I had the choice to make it different, to have made it another author who God used to save me, to change it so I wouldn't face the heart break, I wouldn't.
I would keep it how it is. I wouldn't change it for anything else. Because God has used it so greatly, and in the end, it was worth all the sadness.
So that was one thing I reflected on. The other, of course was my pain.
Shamefully I'll have to admit that through the last three years of having pain every day, I haven't had the right perspective for most of it. I've had the perspective of wondering why God had allowed it.
At first I thought it had been my fault, but then I just started asking why.
So many times, more often than not, I've wanted this pain to be gone. I haven't wanted to deal with it. There are so many times that I have been in temptation to just become bitter against God for giving it to me. I have thought it's taken away my future and anything good I could ever have.
I have demanded to know the answer why for so long.
And it's only now, this year that God's changed my perspective to see why.
God has changed me in so many ways because of this, and He has shaped me into who I am. And He has taught me how to fight through each day. He has done so much.
But one of the biggest things that He has done was allow me to connect with other people through it.
While I had thought I was limited, I had the most freedom in opportunities that I never would have otherwise! And I know now, that for those opportunities I would never change a thing.
If I could take away all my pain I've had over the last three years, I wouldn't. If I could assure that I would have no pain in my future, I wouldn't change how God will have it.
Seriously. I wouldn't change a thing.
Because I realize that those opportunities are so much more than just me and my little future and my little happiness.
I think that even through these connections, I've received some of the greatest joy.
And since God has given me that connection with those few amazing people, I wouldn't want to lose that. I wouldn't change that.
I guess, in my seemingly greatest limitation, I have found one of my greatest freedoms.
And that's the freedom to connect with people who I never would have otherwise.
So as I look back upon things that have happened, I'm learning to stop questioning God on the things that happen. Everything is for a reason. He knows best. Even through the things that bring the most hurt and sorrow, I think, often times as we look back we would not change any of it. Because God has brought it all out for His Glory and for our best.
And even though my life certainly isn't how I imagined it would be once I got out of high school, I know for a fact I would not change the things that have happened, and that I am going through, for anything else.
God Bless,
A.W.
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