Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I hadn't thought much about last year until today. It was around this time a year ago that I was in sinking into the depths of depression. It was around this time that I spent a whole day crying and sleeping because I didn't understand what God had planned. Last year around this time was a nightmare.
And the thing that made me so depressed then is the same thing that I am dealing with now.
That is, the consequences of my addiction.
Today I realized how much has happened, and how little I feel that I have changed.
So much has happened; good and bad. I switched churches, I finally got to go to England, I got baptized, I got to rebuild/build stronger relationships with people. So much has happened!
And yet, I look back to where I was a year ago and I find it hard to see myself different in any way. It seems like everything around me has changed except me.
That's a bit scary to think about.
But when I go deeper, I realize that last year, God was quickly taking the people who had impacted me so greatly away. He took some of the strongest Christians I knew out of my life, and let me be alone. Sure it hurt. But that's how He had me grow.
He put people into my life, and He showed me that it's not about me, it's about them. I had to put down my walls altogether, and be honest and open, so that it would effect others.
The more I thought about the last year, the more I have realized how much I have changed. God took people away so that I could use the things I learned from those people to change others.
That's one area where I have grown and changed so much.
The other thing that God has taught me, and is still teaching me like always is patience. Patience and faith. For me, they go hand in hand. I have suffered the consequences of my addiction for long over a year. And my body still hurts now.
I think of how my attitude has changed towards the pain, and I see that I have become better at ignoring it and pushing it away. It's just part of life for me, and it's okay to hurt. I used to pray to God to let it stay, as long as it kept me away from falling back into addiction.
I know inside I want to be free from pain, but I tell God over and over that it's okay if He has it stay for as long as I live. It's okay if He never takes it away. It's my consequence. And if it keeps me from things, then that's okay. Because God has a plan in it, and I don't have to worry.
But still, at times, I wonder if He will ever take it away. It is coming close to two years now, and sometimes I still wonder if it will ever go away.
It's a challenge to be patient, and it's a challenge to trust in His plan.
So in a way, I look back and see how everything, and even me has changed. But then again, I look back and see that I am still in the same spot, facing the same things. And I still pray that no matter what happens, I will not do what I did a year ago, facing these things and break down into depression. I pray that God will lead me through it all and that He will grow me so that I may handle this the right way.