Saturday, November 24, 2012
In light of last Christmas, I should not be looking forward to this Christmas in any way.
Christmas of 2011 was the worst Christmas I've ever had.
It was the worst Christmas because of the deep depression I was in. It was the worst Christmas because two of the causes of my depression were as present as ever.
For both Christmas Eve and Christmas day, I had to be with a person who always ignored me and never really seemed to care. It was that person that motivated me to start writing quotes to keep me going on my wrist each day. It was that person that God so used to help me deal with rejection.
And it was that person that made me cry that Christmas Eve. It was that person that made me realize how dangerous it could be to drive when you're emotional.
It was hard to be with that person on such a holiday.
But that was not the only person who made it hard.
One of my closest friends who I had made over that year had ditched our friendship not long ago decided he'd talk to me again.
I never had the guts to say how I felt about what that friend had done, and how from that it made me fall into such a depression I was in. Nor did I have the courage to shut up and never speak to that friend again. So I talked to that old friend; it felt just like it used to, as if we hadn't stopped talking for months. But I knew as I continued our conversation that it was all just a tease to the hope of a friendship again. That was what hurt.
Last Christmas, I was visited by all the things that had made me fall into the depression I was in. The depression that made me sleep all day and stop eating.
Those were the biggest thing that made last Christmas a horrible experience. The best thing about last Christmas was that I got to spend time with my sister.
My sister who had given our family so much conflict and heart ache. My sister who never really liked me. My sister who had been everyone's favorite. My sister who I had caught at 4 am running away from home. My sister who had finally decided she wanted to have a relationship with us.
She was the best part of that Christmas. Seeing her, talking to her, spending time with her was the best part of my Christmas. Praying that God might save her, hoping that we would all become closer to her if possible. Hoping that she would stay.
She was what made last Christmas worth while.
But of course, it wasn't until a few months ago that she decided she didn't want to be connected to us in any way. And now there won't be her joining us this year.
So as I think over last Christmas, part of me just wants it over. In light of last Christmas it won't be good at all.
And here I sit, reminding myself that things have changed. Things with the person who didn't like me last year have changed a bit; and even if they never had, I would definitely not be letting what they think bother me now. Things with my friend who had ditched me last year have changed. Things with my sister have changed.
It's all changed. And though I still can look at this coming Christmas and have doubts; it all comes down to whether or not I am going to let memories control my future.
It is so easy to do that. It's easy to just say that "Oh, well that person who doesn't like me is just going to be nice to everyone else and ignore me and act like I don't exist again". It would be easier to say "Oh my friend who ditched me hasn't really changed. The same thing will just happen again. They won't stick around till Christmas, and if they do, it won't be long after that they get bored again."
For me, it would be so easy to let those memories chain me, and make me have a pessimistic view of this Christmas.
That's the easy thing.
The hard thing for me is to look forward to a bright new Christmas and think the best of whatever might come my way. Even if my friend gets bored and decides to ditch me again. And even if the person in my family decides to ignore my existence again. The hard thing is to make the best out of whatever I am given. The hard thing is to make the best out of whatever day I am given. And that day this year would be Christmas. So my goal for this year is not to let people so ruin my day; but to make the most of the day I have. To make the most of the Christmas I have, and to not let those bad memories drag me down.
As humans, we will always have bad memories, and sometimes those never leave us. It is easy to let those memories control us in the present. And what a dangerous thing that can be. It can ruin your entire life, in fact. Being in bondage to your memories is like dying. It's like falling into a deep depression you can't get out of. We aren't meant to die like this; we are meant to live, and make the most of every day we have.
And with that, as I look at this coming Christmas, I am fighting to let go of those memories. I think I'm still just fighting to live.