Thoughts From Year Four

 One of the biggest things I am regretting and that I am ashamed of is how I have dealt with my chronic pain. I have been so ashamed to look back and realize how poorly I have handled my situation.
This is my fourth year of being in pain a different level of pain every day. And this is the beginning of a full year that I have finally gained the right perspective on my pain.
It makes me ashamed to think that for the first two and a half years of my chronic pain, I had a horrible perspective. I let myself be hardened towards views that effect me even today. But what gets to me most of all was the fact of how long it took me to get to the right perspective. Two and a half years. That was over half of my time having chronic pain.

I started out thinking that it was something I had brought upon myself. That somehow it had come out as a consequence of my addiction. I was ignorant and thought I had the ability to screw myself up in a way that could never be fixed. I thought that God Himself had cursed me. I literally thought He hated me and had cursed me with a pain that had come out of my addiction. I don't remember distinctly, hearing sermons or reading books on suffering through trials. I know If I ever did, I surely thought that it was hard to rejoice when God Himself has cursed you. I couldn't bring myself to rejoice in anything of the sort. I was miserable, and too ashamed to tell anyone.

And once I finally told people I started believing that it wasn't God cursing me, it was just my fault. I hated myself. I led myself into believing I had no future. And in telling that to myself; I gained hard views towards things like marriage and having children. I wanted to hate myself for ever wanting anything of the sort. It was in that period in time that I gained horrible views. The ones  I still struggle with today.

When I was coming out of that a bit more I know there was a brief time I would shake my fists at God. When the Doctors said it wasn't anything that I had done, and that it was random and they didn't know what was wrong. And when they told me it was all in my head. For that brief time in my life I was angry that I was in a situation like that. I was. To my deepest shame I was.

Once I had repented of being angry at my God, I decided that I wasn't meant to be happy with things on earth. I was meant to only find my happiness in Christ and Him alone. And I was given and unsolvable pain that I had to use as a tool for writing to help others. I thought that I'd die young and that I wasn't meant to enjoy life here. "All Work and No Play" definitely would have been my motto!
And even at this point I had pushed away any hope of a future, still in a way, maintaining the bad views I had gained before.

And it was only this last year that God really gave me the right view I think it is. It was over last year that God softened my heart on my bad views. And in that last year I realized that God wants me to actually enjoy Him and enjoy where He has put me, and in whatever situation I am. Even when I'm not feeling as good at 96%.  And I realized last year that He gave me pain because it was what was best, and He did what was best because He loves me. Not because I was cursed or anything of the sort. And this is where it's left today.

Over the last few months, going to therapy, God's given me some days that I never deserved. Not entirely without pain, but without much. Which is incredible as it is.
I am so loved By God, and I don't deserve any of it. As I look back I see my errors. To my deepest shame I wish I could have done it differently. My hope to all people who are starting out with health issues that no one knows what's wrong is that they wouldn't go through the emotional/mental process I did of having the wrong perspective. The wrong perspective can be killer.
I am ashamed to look back. But at the same time feel so loved by my Gracious Heavenly Father.

God Bless,
  A.W.

A Few Thoughts On The Internet

There are many false ideas that people have about the internet. Often times they think if you make a friend online they are going to ask to meet up with you and then kill you. They only think creepers inhabit the internet; and it's a dangerous place to be.
And more often than not, if one spends a decent amount of time on the internet each day; it's considered a waste of time. Many people don't understand how much benefit we can get from the internet.
I think many adults have not adapted well to the internet; because a lot of them always bring up negative things and say it's all a waste.
I'd disagree of course. As a writer I'd disagree.
Because as a writer I need inspiration; and there are websites that spark that in me. I use those to give me inspiration. And not only is the internet for my inspiration, but it is also where my opportunities are.
The internet has a horrible reputation of only having "fake" people on it, who just want attention. But I strongly disagree. While there are a fair amount of creepers and "fakers" on websites; the internet has always been the safest place for young people to open up and share their heart with others.
And no, I'm not talking about Facebook, I'm talking about forums where their identity is hidden behind a username where no one could possibly find them.
I have discovered over the last few years that my opportunities have been all the more great on the internet. For a person who hasn't many places in life to help people, the internet is a vast and needy place to be a light. I have gotten so many opportunities over the last few years on various websites, and through them have made the closest friends.
I post my writing on forums in hopes that God will use it; and so far He has a wee bit. You might never know what opportunities you might have until you put yourself out there. And daring to be open is worth that risk.
So I don't think that the internet is all just one big waste, it is the place where opportunities are vast. And you will never really understand that until you dare to put yourself out there.
You might never know what you are missing if you never take a chance.

God Bless,
  A.W.

Grief

"I say with grief that there are too many of us
I say there are too many chained to hate and lust.
There are too many struggling in the dark
There are too many who bear these red marks.
They hide them with bracelets and bands
What they themselves have done with shaking hands.
They know not what pain they bring
They know not how their actions sting.
They know not what damage to family they can do
And how blinded by their chains they are too.
They tell their friends great lies
Assuming that no one will understand their cries.
They understand not what they'll be leaving
They know not how their families will be grieving.
They know not what deep scars they'll make
They know not how many pieces of broken hearts they'll take.
They think their safe haven will be in the grave,
Because they know not who has the power to Save.
But to the world and themselves they are at loss,
Not knowing that their only Hope is in the Cross."


God Bless
  A.W.

Discernment

"No one cares if a man is right or wrong,
No one cares if a man is weak or strong.
No one cares to even be right
They'd rather stay in the darkness of night.
It is the plain truth that they doubt
It is the Scriptures they don't care about.
In comforting lies they place their trust,
And fall into pits as deadly as lust.
They lift the lies up to be so grand,
And shoot down those who dare to stand.
They suck in what they are told
And listen to the wolves who are bold.
They look to the preachers who are "hip" and "cool"
And call anyone who disagrees an ignorant fool.
They don't care what God's Word has to say
They let all areas turn to shades of grey.
People have stopped discerning the right from wrong
They've stopped caring if the teaching is weak or strong.
They're willingly led astray
Ending up too far away.
And yet, so few dare to stand
Too afraid of these lies, built up so grand."

God Bless,
  A.W.

My Christmas List

"On this Christmas list there are one too many things
Being only what miracles of grace could bring.
I would not ask for myself,
But I'd ask for a good friend's health.
I'd ask for the pain and sickness to be gone
So that my dearest friends would not suffer long.
I'd ask for a job and a place to live for a friend
When on his own, for himself, he must fend.
I'd ask for a friend's depression to be ripped away
Replaced by marvelous light and comfort that would always stay.
I'd ask for the salvation of those I hold dear
That my loving Father might bring them near.
I'd ask for the pastors I know to find a place
Where the people will listen and not act in great haste.
I'd ask for comfort for those who've suffered great loss
So that the waves might calm and stop in mid-toss.
I'd ask for provision and food to feed
So that my friend and her children would have all they need.

Oh, of all the things I would pray for
I cannot help but remember that I'm so poor.
What power have I to change a life
Or to take away a person's worldly strife?
Though I cannot change a thing
There is a certain hope that Jesus brings.
I know that through those trials He is at work
And isn't watching down on us just as a lurk.
And though my heart breaks for those I hold dear
I know this is what's best and that to them, God is near.
So if I must change my Christmas list
Then let me settle at this
For all the Christians I know
That through their storms they might grow.
And that those who are lost
Might look upward to the Cross.
I pray these things will come true
And that in the next year they can start new.
I pray about what this Christmas brings
I pray is it built out of extraordinary things."

God Bless,
 A.W.

A Letter For My Sister

"It's been a few months since I've seen your face
It's been a few months since you've left in great haste.
It's hard to think of last Christmas that's now so bittersweet
It's hard to remember that we might never again meet.
And now it's hard to feel the Christmas cheer
When my eyes are to the brim with tears.
It's hard to smile at those Christmas lights
When they make me think of all those painful nights.
It's hard to know you won't be here this year
It's hard to know you'd hate to even be near.
It hurts to remember all the pain you've brought
And all the sadness you've thrown in our lot.
In light of that, I should not be feeling this way
I myself should not be thrown in such dismay.
But I miss you all the same.
So call me pathetic, call me lame.
I love you how I always will
And I continue to pray for you still.
My heart will always break for you
How I pray God will open your eyes to what's true.
I hope you are gone only for a little while
Because right now it's hard to be happy and smile.
So I wonder where you'll be on Christmas Eve
I hope I can see you before I leave.
Either way I pray I'll meet you one day in the skies
Where I'll see you washed from all filthy lies
I hope we'll be Home together in the end
I hope one day we can be friends.
But today I cannot think of Christmas without tears
It's hard to be filled with Christmas cheers.
But I pray God will save you
I pray you will see what's true."

Now I wrote this poem for my sister who has done much damage to my family. It's everything I've ever wanted to say to her for the last few months. I needed it out, though she may never read it...I needed it out, so maybe when I go to church and they talk about Christmas, tears won't come to my eyes anymore. I needed it out so that I don't have to cry when I think of Christmas.
Though...knowing how I am, I probably still will. But it is nice to have it all out in one form at the very least.

And yet, as sad as Christmas can make me feel, in light of my sister not being here. I also feel hopeful in a way. Hopeful to remember why we celebrate Christmas.
We celebrate Christmas, for the birth of Christ. Christ who was sent into the world to die for sinners, for our sins. That is hope. That is the comfort that Christmas is giving me this year.
I don't know who is to be saved in the end, but perhaps my sister will be saved in the end. I hope and pray she will. I guess if it were any holiday that made me think of my sister, I would like it to be Christmas. Because while I hurt, at least I can be reminded of the hope of salvation.
At least, I have hope and prayer, if nothing else.

God Bless,
A.W.

He Is Still Loving Me

"I don't understand why God would give me an answer
When I know that I deserve something even worse than cancer.
I don't understand how there could be a yes
When I know I deserve so much less.
I don't understand why He'd give me rest
Considering how poorly I've done on the test.
I don't understand why He'd set me free
When I know so many, more worthier than me.
I can't comprehend even the little streams of light
Piercing through the clouds dark as night.
I can't recall the last day I felt the light on my skin
All I remember are these raindrops pouring down my chin.
I can't imagine these clouds going away
And yet, I've come to peace if they forever stay.
And I know I will never understand that love
That always comes crashing down from above
Taking the form of rain or shine
Tainting each part of my story, in every line.
In the end, I don't understand why He'd ever say yes
As it is, from this rain, I am already so blessed."